Summer Therapy Break 2021 And The Black Hole Inside

So, the summer therapy break has gone live, now…it’s two weeks…and, ugh, I think I’m going to be in for quite a rough ride!

Earlier this week I went to see K as my nervous system was already in tatters just anticipating Anita’s holiday. Before I got on the table for craniosacral, K asked me what I was feeling in my body. My False Adult had done quite a good job of sitting on the sofa chattering away for the preceding half an hour generally just catching up with her about ‘light’ stuff, but I was avoiding the thing that was really on my mind for fear of breaking down either then, or later on. When I tuned into my body, I could feel the somatic experience of what I was running from: the break with Anita.

There’s no point in pretending to be ok with K. I can paste a brave face on all I like but she knows, and the moment her hands touch my body she can absolutely feel things are amiss and where in my body I’m holding stuff. Sometimes she’ll say things like, “I can feel a real tightness on the back left side of your head” (when her hands are on my feet!) and it blows me away. So, I told her what was going on.

 “Anita is going away for two weeks from Monday” I sighed and broke eye contact whilst sinking down into the couch and then drawing my knees up into my chest. I felt so exposed and vulnerable. I tried to describe the body sensations and told K that it felt like I had a huge watery sink hole inside my chest (like a big hole plunging down into the ocean floor) and that it was sucking all my parts into it.

I explained that the feeling of trying to stop myself getting pulled into that dark endless pit of doom was exhausting and the young parts of me were terrified. I said it felt like there was an inevitability about ending up in that horrible dark scary place and that I was doing everything I could do avoid it…which up until that point was literally avoiding talking about it or acknowledging it!

K really empathised and put her hand to her chest and let out a sort of pained exhale and said she could feel how painful and frightening it was for the little ones inside. She and I speak the same kind of emotional language, so I never feel weird going into huge winding metaphors about my inner experience or body sensations or simply telling her the baby or other young part is in distress.

I’m sure most people must say that a particular place aches or is buzzing when she asks how they feel in their body…but not me! K says it’s one of the things she loves about working with me, my authenticity and ability to tune into my feelings and body – which is so funny as years ago I felt so numb.

K says my images make total sense to her. I know, now, from the years of working with her and the friendship that has developed over the last 12 years that she has experienced a similar wounding – she knows the mother wound intimately. She’s done her work, though, (she’s now in her sixties) and I love working with her because she ‘knows’ what I mean because she’s been there and felt it. It is so great to be in the presence of one of those amazing, grounded matriarchal women and it gives me hope that one day I too might be in the place that she is. I mean that’s the goal, right?!

Like Anita she is really good at ‘unconditional positive regard’ – she never looks at me like I am a crazed lunatic when I tell her stuff. She mirrors me so well and it’s been working with her over the years that has really made me see how bad things have been. To see her moved and saddened by my story and express care for my young parts made me see that it was as bad, if not worse, than I thought. This was especially the case in 2019 when I started seeing her again properly after a break of several years. Going each week in a terrible state, my nervous system in survival and telling her what was going on with Em made me realise that it really wasn’t ok.

Having someone genuinely express care and acceptance was everything I needed at that time (and now! – thank god for A and K!). I learnt with K that it is ok to have feelings and express them. It is human to care about people and feel love. K is always so expressive towards me and has modelled how to say what you feel. It’s so funny, she always shouts down the street as I leave, “I love you RB!” I can’t help but smile when she does this, given Em never even said goodbye when I would leave hers, often distressed or dissociated.

UGHHH!!!

Anyway, where am I going with this? Body sensations and the pain of the mother wound

Not long ago I was on the table and all sorts of intense stuff was making its way up and out. I think my body had stored a lot over the lockdown and it’d been such a long time since I had seen K to do actual body work and not just pop over for a cup of tea. It was around the time that Anita had cancelled my session when she thought her daughter might have had covid and I was in a right state about it. K completely got it which made me feel less embarrassed and ashamed about my HUGE reaction and EPIC meltdown.

She told me how she could feel how painful it was for my inner child to be left and have her need overlooked, and how abandoning it must feel when the young parts are trying so hard to trust A. She could see how it taps so readily back into my experience with my mum as a child.

However, it wasn’t just a pile on. K also said that she can see such a massive change in me since I have been working with Anita. She says I am so much more resourced and embodied DESPITE the huge amounts of shit that I have had to field in my life in the past year. She told me that A would not have wanted to hurt me and that hopefully I could see that, too, because she can see what an amazing connection we have from what I have told her. She often tells me how glad she is that I finally have a therapist who can do the work with me having seen first-hand how damaging it was with Em. That always feels nice to hear. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all just in my head (the closeness between A and I) but I suppose having seen me recount my experiences with Em it would be hard not to see the difference!

Anyway, this particular day I could feel that ‘hole in my chest’ so painfully – it was excruciating. It’s where the mother wound and the grief of my dad dying and my family cutting me off so many other losses are. The blackness was powerful that day that I felt like I was going to fall headfirst into it. Only on this day I could also feel its edges – sore and molten hot.

It’s horrible feeling like there’s an enormous void where your heart is. The endless black is awful, but the edges of this hole feel like a combination of a huge mouth ulcer – the stinging, searing pain is unbelievable. And then there are some areas that are sort of crusted over – like when a volcano has been spewing lava and the top layer starts to cool and goes black, but the cracks show that it’s still molten red hot a few centimetres down…

I don’t know what’s worse really, being sucked into the abyss or the searing pain of the edge.

So anyway, that’s what it’s been like these last couple of weeks on a physical level…it’s really nuts how somatised the trauma is and when the attachment stuff is triggered how agonising it feels.

I seem to have rattled on loads about that when actually I wanted to talk about how therapy with Anita has been. It’s been largely fine. I’ve disappeared or come close to disappearing a few times but that’s not surprising given we were so close the therapy break.

We were talking about the black hole/inner void the other day and Anita asked if she might hold my hand to stop me falling in. I was quite shut down at that point and refused. It’s that horrible situation where I’m so desperately in need of a hand or a hug and Anita will offer it, but it feels impossible for me to accept it in the moment. I feel so far away and disconnected that I can’t reach out. It’s almost like Anita isn’t there…or I am not there.

Parts of me are screaming and yet I am frozen. The protective part has total control over the rest of the parts- when it’s bad like this it feels like a prison guard, really.

And the prison is fucking horrible, too. Cold, metal, damp…soooooo lonely.

It’s terrible for those parts locked inside, too:

The baby: is screaming on the floor on a blanket, hungry, cold, and in desperate need of holding and soothing. The distress is palpable.

The toddler: is standing still, facing away from me. She doesn’t make a sound. She already knows there’s no point in crying because no one comes. She looks so neglected and so lacking in love. She’s another little one who really needs a cuddle from A.

The four-year-old: is sad and is trying to seek comfort from the older teen but she’s ignored and pushed away and doesn’t understand why no one wants to look after her. She wants A but has no idea where she is.

The seven-year-old and eleven-year-old: are sitting in the corner playing ‘rock paper scissors’. They don’t make a fuss and are used to making the best of a bad situation. Eleven is pretty self-sufficient and although she’d love the attention of a caring adult like A she knows when there are so many other younger, needy parts she goes unnoticed.

The younger teen: is fed up. She doesn’t know what to do to make things better for herself. She looks at eleven and sees what a good girl she is and wonders what chance she has of someone loving and noticing her if even the ‘perfect’ girl is neglected and abandoned.

The older teen: has her headphones in her ears listening to her soundtrack of angst and is staring blankly at the wall. She’s chronically depressed. Thoughts of self-harm and anorexia run on loop in her head, and she wants to die and escape the pain of never being good enough and no one caring.

So…yeah…that’s fucking fun!

Fortunately, Anita is solid and present and persists with me and eventually things feel safe enough to come closer.  The other day she said, “I feel like I want to give you hug and ground you again. I can feel you are going further away. Would that be ok?” And the protector opened the gate and let all the needy parts out. Well some of them, anyway!

I don’t know why I can’t just get the memo that Anita is safe from the start. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I can sit down and ask for what I need almost immediately but then I guess the closer the break has got, the harder it has felt because those parts that fear abandonment were fast approaching an abandonment (even though that isn’t really what it is).

I think part of it is also that my mum used to disappear and was never the same when she returned. There was no solid base to land on or build on. Who knew what kind of mood she’d be in on a Friday? – and so this is the legacy playing out with A. I have to be careful and check that things are ok and safe…because they haven’t always been (growing up). It’s like starting from scratch over and over again.

A says that, “it doesn’t have to be scary anymore” but it’s so hard when the reality is it is scary for those parts when she goes away…because what happens if she doesn’t come back?…What happens if she goes away and realises how easy it is without me bothering her?…What happens if she comes back and has finally reached her limit?

There’s been a lot of reassurance going on in recent sessions and outside them. She tells me I am not too much and that she is not fed up with me. She’s assured me (repeatedly) that “nothing is going to change” whilst she’s gone. She says, “I will be back. And I won’t have changed. We won’t have changed. It’ll still be exactly the same” on a loop!

And it really does help. Although listening to me rattle on here I’m guessing it’s hard to see evidence of that!

On Friday, just gone, I had horrible headache. It was definitely tension and anxiety about the break causing it. I so badly wanted the final session to feel connected and holding. I had read a chunk of our WhatsApp thread of messages the night before the session, and I really wanted to go in and tell Anita how thankful I am to her for being so consistent and caring even when I have been throwing everything at her. Seeing message after message demonstrating her care even when I was being a pain in the arse really hit home. The testing that went on during the lockdown in November was really something else and the scale of the meltdowns were – yikes!

How she didn’t just turn round and say, “FFS RB what more do you want from me? In how many ways and how many times do I have to prove that I care about you to you? Are you stupid or something? – just look at the evidence!” But she never has. She never makes me feel like I am a burden or annoying for it taking my parts so long to get on board and trust. She doesn’t get frustrated treading the same ground over and over week in week out and it really has made a massive difference to how I feel.

I wanted to go in, sit down and tell her all of that but I just couldn’t look at her. She obviously knows that this break is proving hard (before it’s even begun), but I didn’t want her to look at me and see it in my eyes. I didn’t want to be so exposed. The sadness about her going away overshadowed my ability to tell her how grateful I am to her for being awesome.

Even though I couldn’t say what I had planned, I managed to ask if I could hold her hand and reached out across the sofa. It wasn’t long until I was cuddled into her, and she pretty much held me for the entire session as I cycled through all the feelings. It felt really healing at times just being quiet together and then it’d flip into being really painful. The young parts could feel time ticking away and it felt horrid knowing that she’d be gone really soon.

I felt like I was trying to absorb every second of the time with her. It was like I was trying to pour the feeling of being safe and held into a container inside me so I would have it when she wasn’t there anymore. I really wish it were possible to do that! So often it feels like this lovely connected, safe feeling just slips like sand, or water, through my fingers and is gone.

Knowing she would be gone on holiday also tapped into all the fear about her maybe going away and dying just like my dad did. It’s creeping towards the anniversary of that trauma, too, so I always find the summer breaks most difficult of all the therapy breaks.

K noted, last week, that there’ve been so many different disruptions over the last year (not just usual run of the mill therapy breaks which we all are used to). It’s been so on and off with lockdowns – moving back and forth from online to face-to-face back to online etc. And for some people I know that has been totally fine, they even report preferring remote therapy…but I am not one of those people! I hate it (*sidenote – I don’t hate it as much as no session/contact at all and sometimes a check in online is really helpful!).  So, it’s not surprising that breaks might feel a bit harder this year because it’s an additional disruption after having had so many already.

Don’t get me wrong, Anita needs her break and she more than deserves it, but I am not going to beat myself up about feeling sad and lost over this because whilst she hasn’t had many ‘holiday breaks’ in the time we’ve worked together (not enough by any stretch of the imagination), there has been an unusual level of disruption and interruption to the therapy because of the pandemic. So, I think I can extend myself a bit of compassion and say it’s ok to feel off when my attachment figure is gone – even if it is only for two weeks.

Towards the end of Friday’s session, I asked if we could read stories together as I thought this might help the youngest parts before the holiday. It was so lovely listening to Anita read the books and looking at the pictures together and being close. The young parts really enjoyed it. No one ever read to me as a child, and I feel like I really missed out – I feel like bedtime story time is probably the most important time of the day with my kids (and not because there’ll be peace in half an hour once it’s over!).

Anyway, the session was soon over, and I felt that sadness land heavy back in my stomach which had been gurgling noisily all session! When it was time to leave Anita reminded me to take Elephant with me. It was sitting on the side waiting for me when I walked in the room, and I couldn’t help but smile inside when I saw it. At the end of Monday’s session, I had asked A if she might wash it for me before she went away and she said, “Of course” as if it was a completely normal and reasonable request.

I have the big elephant and Anita has the small one at hers.

It felt like quite a big thing to ask for – vulnerability overload – and I can only imagine the look of horror and disgust on Em’s face had I ever had taken a soft toy to a session or, God forbid, ask her to do that for me and then braced for the “No” and the “I don’t work in that way” speech. But as usual Anita wasn’t fazed by my request at all. I guess she knows why I wanted her to do it. I always say to her how I like how she smells and the steady beat of her heart … well, a little part of me does, anyway!

I’ve said, here, before how when she cuddles me that one of the things I find really soothing is how she smells – it’s fresh laundry and clean hair…it’s Anita…and now I associate that smell with being safe and feeling at ‘home’. I knew this break was going to be super hard for the smallest parts of me and so I thought that if she washed the elephant, it would smell familiar and safe – comforting – when things felt overwhelming.

It does really work, too. I’ve had a fucking nightmare of a weekend –I’ve been hugely unsettled during the day and had absolutely terrifying nightmares. I always have bad dreams/nightmares anyway, but they’ve not been as bad as this since I stopped therapy with Em (the first time) in 2013 on the NHS (too soon – but time limited therapy is like this!) and had six solid weeks of night terrors. I’m back in the realms of the decaying dead bodies of children, life-threatening illness, and being destroyed by people exerting power over me in spooky, haunted houses in the dark again now – but at least Anita hasn’t featured in them just yet.

Fuck.

I woke up at 2am this morning, my heart was racing, I was physically shaking, and I was utterly terrified. I felt so scared and upset when I woke up from the nightmare that I reached for my elephant and cuddled it tight. It instantly started to ground those parts who were so frightened because it makes it feel like A is actually real, still. I can almost imagine that I am safe cuddled into her – and really that’s what those young parts need.

I know that must all sound pretty bonkers but meh, fuck it, do you know what? I don’t even care anymore – I’ve been through the emotional wringer for years feeling so lost and abandoned during breaks so seeing as it works for me, I’m taking it as a win!

Don’t get me wrong. The elephant isn’t going to solve everything. I know I am in for a rough ride over the next couple of weeks and I guess I’ll just have to be curious and conscious of what’s going on. Not going to lie… kind of willing time forward to June 21st and trying, at the same time, to not panic and freak out about how I will see Anita over the school summer holidays when my kids are off.

I know the longer the break goes on the harder it is going to be. When Anita told me about her holiday weeks ago she said we could text when she was away, but then she didn’t say anything about it on Friday so I’m feeling like perhaps I shouldn’t…

So….that’s where things are at just now.  

x

25 thoughts on “Summer Therapy Break 2021 And The Black Hole Inside

  1. Q June 7, 2021 / 7:40 am

    God, therapy breaks, they are beyond heartbreaking. My adult self recognizes how crucial they are… but honestly, my adult self is not the we are most worried about in therapy!

    E will be off two weeks in July, even though she was just off two months in May. My younger parts are not especially understanding about that, so I am really trying hard to learn how to take care of them. A topic for a post soon, perhaps.

    Cranio sacral is amazing, isn’t it? I’m glad you have k snd that she really gets it. It’s so liberating to find people like that. I saw C, my cranio-sacral person, on Friday for the first time in ages, and it was so soothing. I wish I could see her weekly, but 1) she’s in high demand and 2) in another month, my insurance won’t cover her services any longer. So I soak up her wisdom and goodness and grounded ness while I can.

    Sorry, running on about myself too much here. Really I suppose I wanted to say I can relate to what you write so much. I’m sorry about the pain of therapy break, but glad for you that you have Anita, who will come back and will keep loving, supporting and guiding you.

    Hang tight, and give all the love and care you can to those frightened little ones. 💕💕

    Liked by 4 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum June 7, 2021 / 9:32 am

      Ah Q! I know you get it. I’m so glad you have a lovely cranio therapist too. So sorry that insurance won’t cover her going forward for you. Most complimentary therapies here have to be privately funded as the NHS can barely stretch to primary care these days – which is why so many of us are saddled with huge talk therapy bills each month as even traditional therapy is time-limited with huge waiting lists. Might you be able to go see her occasionally even without insurance or is cost prohibitive?

      I’m sorry to read the E is off again soon. I hope that it’s not too bad when it comes. I am definitely trying to look after the little ones but it’s not always easy when things are triggered and Adult is AWOL. Sometimes things just feel too bad. However, I am trying to give the parts space to express how they feel and not attack myself for it…we’ll see how that works out 😉

      Take care 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Carol anne June 7, 2021 / 8:17 am

    I am so glad you have A and K! I hope the break flies by! I hate therapy breaks, We struggle so much with them too! They really throw us! xoxo

    Liked by 3 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum June 7, 2021 / 9:33 am

      Thank you. I don’t know where I would be without A and K! Therapy breaks are tough aren’t they? I guess it’s comforting to know that a lot of us are in the same boat. Take care x

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Claire Louise June 7, 2021 / 10:00 am

    Sending hugs and love. I relate to so much of what you say. Right now the pain of exisiting feels too much and your volcano image really made sense to me. I have T tomorrow and I’m going to try hard to share what’s going on. My T is so like Anita and tends to sense when I’m ‘masking’ (my version of false adult I guess) and will draw stuff out. Luckily we are allowed touch again so she’ll often sit closer, hold my hand, give a hug. I realised when she was holding me last week it was my first proper feeling of safety in my life, and I was able to hear her heartbeat and whisper that I needed her and trusted her and to please not leave. She is due to go on a break soon, and I’m dreading it already 😦

    Liked by 4 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum June 7, 2021 / 10:20 am

      Oh love. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I’m thinking of you. I hope you can let your T know what’s going on. I’m glad you are able to get hugs and holding again now. It’s so important to those vulnerable young parts. I remember the first time A cuddled me on the sofa and I told her that no one had ever cuddled me the way she had that day and that I loved her. It’s tragic really but so lucky to be repairing some of the damage now and to get that felt sense of being safe and safe in relationship. Big hugs to you 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      • Claire Louise June 7, 2021 / 2:56 pm

        Thank you for the hugs. I’m so scared about tomorrow. I haven’t left my house in almost a week because of the anxiety, so just getting there will be a massive challenge but I hope if I can do at least that, if I can’t talk much at least I can feel the safety of the room and of her for a bit. It’s like my oasis in the week x

        Liked by 2 people

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum June 7, 2021 / 3:48 pm

        Oh poor you. I’m so sorry it’s feeling so hard. I hope you can overcome your anxiety and get to therapy – it sounds like you need to be there. Take care xx

        Liked by 1 person

  4. LovingSummer June 7, 2021 / 7:17 pm

    Another voice to say how horrendous breaks are! It is so hard to describe and so I am incredibly grateful to have met you motley crew or likeminded people. Without this place I would honestly be blaming myself for somehow being abnormal, and you’re all great because you say it as it is and work with it, which really helps me.
    I love it that Anita washed the elephant without so much as a blink about it. I think K’s work with you is great too, K reminds me of a cranial osteopath I have been to before, and who is VERY holistic. She doesn’t go into somatic stuff sadly, but she does check what’s going on in my life, ask about my dietary intake and exercise, and some of the stuff she does like that one where her had is almost touching my spine but not quite, as she gets me to see breathe and then she breathes in sync with me, is somehow powerfully helpful. I always get so my spine suddenly relaxes and i didn’t know it was tense, then she’s like: okay, we’re done – but I haven’t even told her what I just felt!

    Liked by 2 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum June 8, 2021 / 3:02 pm

      You’re not abnormal – it’s just people like us have experienced a lot of trauma and have been wounded by it. I think the reaction to being left makes a lot of sense when you look at our pasts. Anita is beyond great but man, I’m really feeling this break and the separation anxiety is really hard… and it’s only Tuesday of week one! Fuck! I’m so glad I can see K this week but Thursday feels a long time away. Your K sounds good too. X

      Liked by 1 person

      • LovingSummer June 8, 2021 / 4:51 pm

        She was great but I haven’t seen her for a few years, I hope she’s still there just in case I need to go back!
        What you’re feeling is so relatable, big hugs of support to you. If only that’s all we needed, but it’s not; nothing will quite hit the spot like our therapists can!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. skinnyhobbit June 8, 2021 / 5:45 pm

    Relatable! Any chance Anita would tell you what laundry detergent she uses, so you could reapply the scent? ❤

    For me, I have a bottle of my fiancé’s perfume.

    Liked by 2 people

      • skinnyhobbit June 9, 2021 / 5:28 am

        Scent is definitely really powerful. I’m really glad that she’ll be willing to refresh the scent as you need it ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  6. SunsetCherryBlossom June 9, 2021 / 11:28 am

    Hi RBCG I hope the break is passing quickly enough for you – or at least just passing. This time can be so so hard. I loved reading about your elephant, that’s so lovely, especially how you asked A to wash elephant for you. That sounds so comforting but mostly I think it’s amazing that you have a strong enough relationship with A to be able to ask for what you need, and for her to give it. Take care

    Liked by 1 person

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum June 9, 2021 / 3:14 pm

      Ah thanks. The break feels like time is going backwards or standing still… I’m totally hating it! But I’ve just got to sit it out and try not to get too overwhelmed by all the stuff that’s coming up… and not have a meltdown at the end of next week and feel so disconnected that I don’t want to go anymore (kind of where I’m at now … ugh my system hates me!). Yes, the elephant thing was a huge leap of faith (especially after how my last therapist was with transitional objects) but A is so kind and non-shaming. Hope you’re ok x

      Liked by 1 person

      • SunsetCherryBlossom June 9, 2021 / 5:13 pm

        From what I’ve learned from my therapy, the huge leaps of faith are what make us closer and more trusting of them. The scary questions and the asking for things are what has brought me on, more than anything else. It’s a wonderful feeling to know that she thought it was a perfectly normal request. It took me a month to ask her to leave me a voice message on WhatsApp, so I could remember the sound of her voice, and again she was so understanding. I hope the break continues to pass, if nothing else. I’m doing well thanks. I’m beginning, just beginning to see what the world looks like from a place of healing, and I promise you, it’s great 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum June 11, 2021 / 8:09 pm

        Totally agree… when it works well. I used to take big leaps in my previous therapy and face plant. It was hideous! Thankfully Anita is great and accommodating. Ahh I love the idea of a WhatsApp voice message. I bet that’s really holding and containing 😊

        Like

  7. SunsetCherryBlossom June 11, 2021 / 8:31 pm

    Anita and Em seem to be chalk and cheese! Big leaps of faith must be rewarded with love and acceptance; making us feel even more shame than we already feel is just brutal. When I asked for the voice message, she smiled and said yes, as though it was a perfectly normal request, and sent it through later that day. I can hear her smiling as she’s doing it 😊.

    Liked by 1 person

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum June 11, 2021 / 8:53 pm

      That’s lovely 💜. Yeah. Working up to being brave and asking then having flat refusal is so damaging. So glad you have a great T. There are a few out there, thank god!

      Liked by 1 person

      • SunsetCherryBlossom June 11, 2021 / 8:56 pm

        Yeah. I can imagine how that must feel, so so damaging. And yes she’s the best, a combination of Miranda Hart and Nurse Crane from Call the Midwife! We’ve had our frustrations, like anyone but we’ve come so far together.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Sara June 19, 2021 / 4:45 am

    Ugh therapy breaks are just brutal. I truly know the feeling of “trying to pour the feeling of being safe and held into a container inside me so I would have it when she wasn’t there anymore.” 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum June 19, 2021 / 7:45 am

      Fuuuuckkkk it! It’s still three days to go – lol! My container is completely empty and I have no idea who Anita is right now….or at least parts of me don’t. It’s awful. Hope you are hanging on in there xx

      Liked by 1 person

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