Therapy Break #1
I am not in your presence
how painfully aware of your absence I have become.
Time and distance
You are so far away.
The holding place in my mind
struggles hard to keep you whole
Are you merely a figment of my imagination?
A hologram, perhaps?
Even when within my reach
you always feel so very far away
I can see you,
feel you, but
I cannot touch you.
That small space
opens up like a vast ocean
I stand on one shore
you on the other
You beckon for me to join you
promise to be my guide
and to witness the lessons of the Self
that only I can teach
For the longest time I have waited
assessing the dangers that might lurk hidden
in the deep.
I believe I will reach you –
(is it misplaced confidence or simply wishful thinking?)
and so I begin the swim.
My muscles relax into a familiar rhythm.
The hardest, aching parts of me begin to soften
as the distance between us lessens.
It’s farther than I thought, though, and
sometimes strange –
The horizon keeps shifting.
I tread water a while
rest and catch my breath.
I look up and discover that
I can no longer see you.
a sudden shiver
a lightning bolt
Both sea and sky shift rapidly
calm blues now rage-filled greys
Angry, turbulent clouds roll heavily in
raining hot tears down like shiny silvery bullets.
My fear rises alongside the storm-whipped waves
I am exposed
I am scared
Is there still safety on your shore?
I can’t be sure.
But it’s swim or drown
and so I keep moving.
There’s no going back.
I must have faith in what I feel
And trust in what cannot be seen.
I’ve posted this poem at the bottom of a blog post before. I wrote it last year when on Easter therapy break. Right now it completely sums up where I am at (again/still!). I haven’t got much time to write at the moment. Time off with the kids is full on. I am putting on a good show on the surface – doing lots of activities and outings but inside/emotionally I feel stuck in that horrible place, stagnant and numb but underneath it’s only hanging together by a thread – not even my usual rubber bands and chewing gum. And so right now I don’t even know what to say in a blog post.
I will find my way out of this fog eventually, so long as a I keep swimming. At the moment I have lost sight of both shores and am tired, cold, and want to be rescued…. and there’s still two more weeks of this break to go. Ugh!
I hate therapy breaks 😉
Oh woe is me! lol!
Sorry it’s so hard during the breaks. I wish it got easier, for both of us. I love the poem. It really expresses some of how it feels to feel all that conflict around wanting to be close. Time feels cruel when you’re missing someone, but the time will pass. That’s what I have to keep telling myself too. x
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Thanks Hun. I’m just a bit ………yuck…….. right now. Can’t really even think what the emotions are. Can’t be bothered with anything!
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It’s OK to feel like that and not know what the emotions are. Be gentle with yourself x