Just like clockwork, three days into the Christmas therapy break, my therapy/therapist dreams kicked in. I wrote at length a while ago about dreams and how much dreams of my therapist can knock me for six.
I feel compelled to write on this topic again now because my sleep is filled with her again… I need to get this stuff out my system because it is still another 12 days until my next therapy session and part of me needs to process/let out what’s going on before I amass a catalogue of dreams and end up sitting down first session back and saying….‘So, err, I dreamt about you every night for two weeks…’
I wonder, is that more or less weird than sitting down after last year’s three week Christmas break and the first words out my mouth being, ‘Do you think I have BPD?’ I’m sure she’d sit there completely un-phased if I went in and told her she was repeatedly in my dreams during the break but there is a bit of me that always feels like it’s a bit creepy telling my therapist I have dreamt about her … and it’s even more cringeworthy if it’s happening night after night.
So often what comes up in dreams about my therapist are the anxieties I am feeling in the therapeutic relationship and so it is unsurprising that these dreams tend to increase in frequency during breaks when I can’t see her, or at times when I feel unsettled in the relationship, or there has been some kind of rupture.
These recent dreams seem, again, to be tapping into the underlying (ok surface level!) worries I am feeling about being on Christmas break and issues in the therapeutic relationship, mainly: feeling like I am unimportant to her and that the connection is broken; feeling angry about her not caring about me and that she’s abandoned/rejected me; and despite all this, still desperately craving closeness and proximity to her, wanting to repair the damage.
It’s all about conflicting feelings and emotions. What a surprise!
For the past three nights I have had incredibly detailed dreams about, and involving, my therapist. There is a little part of me that is glad to ‘see her’ in my dreams because I find it so hard to hang onto any sense of her actually being out there in the real world during a break. I so easily lose my sense of her being safe and ‘there’ because on breaks she is not there. It’s long been one of my frustrations, being unable to reach out to her between sessions and check-in and try and maintain the sense of the relationship being sound.
Unfortunately, I start to emotionally wobble quite soon into any kind of disruption in therapy, and the dreams I have about my therapist aren’t usually massively warm and fuzzy. They don’t really involve lots of nurturing, love, and holding (which is what I would love my mind to serve me up in my sleep). It’s usually feelings of abandonment, rejection, and loss that come to the fore and leave me with a killer dream hangover for days (and sometimes weeks) afterwards. Sigh!
Mind you, having said all that, perhaps I should mention that I did have my first erotic dream about my therapist a couple of weeks ago (which after six years I think has been some time coming!) and that sent me through a completely different set of emotions – obviously. I won’t lie, it was a great/positive sexual experience (it wasn’t scary or threatening or pressured) but the moment I woke up I was flooded with shame and embarrassment, as well as confusion about it.
Although I am gay, and my therapist is a woman, I have never really thought of her ‘in that way’! She is attractive, definitely, and I have always had a thing for older women (oh but of course!), but for me, there’s been a shit tonne of maternal transference and so I have never consciously/unconsciously thought of her in a sexual way….until the other week!
My fantasies involving my therapist have always revolved strongly around being held/cuddled by her and her behaving in a very mothering way towards me. Basically I have wanted her to treat me in the way a mother would (should) treat a young child. (Isn’t it odd that I should feel less embarrassed writing that than saying I had a dream where I slept with her! ha!)
Thinking about it now, I realise the sex dream was really again about trying to get close to her (as so often happens in my dreams), only in a different way. The sexual element, I think, was about a part of me (maybe the adult) finally trusting her, being vulnerable, and allowing her to see part of me that I keep hidden which is kind of what’s been going on in therapy…I mean opening up to her and being vulnerable- not having sex! So although it was a bit ‘argh!’ at the time, in many ways I guess I should see that dream as a positive. I haven’t managed to tell her about that yet, and to be honest I am not sure that I ever will.
Still, back to the current batch of dreams… I know it’s not just me that is currently negotiating the therapy/therapist dreamscape during the Christmas break. Sleeptime for many a therapy client is firing out all kinds of anxiety-ridden dreams. Oh the joy and wonder of breaks eh? I’d be really interested to know just how many people are having therapy dreams right now and how many of those are positive, how many feel full of anxiety and if/how this reflects where people are at in their therapeutic journey.
Anyway, yesterday night’s dream stayed with me all day. I was a fucking pain in the arse all day as a result. Even this morning, I know that I am like a bear with a sore head. I have already been snappy and short. I can’t help it and I can’t blame it on being tired. I just feel so frustrated and sad and all kinds of emotions. The attachment pain stuff has kicked in massively and I feel really awful. It’s ridiculous, really. I should be enjoying the holidays but it is just so difficult when there are various parts of myself missing my therapist and feeling unanchored.
I know some of what I am feeling will be the Christmas hangover coming out. Christmas day was ‘fine’ on the surface, as I knew it would be, but inside I felt a little bit like I was dying. The little ones are always poised and waiting to see if Mummy will see them or acknowledge them. She never does. She never did. If she couldn’t do it when I was in my child’s body then I guess I am expecting too much for her to see beyond the body of a 34 year old woman.
The day wiped me out and I slept until 10:30 yesterday (which is unheard of – but then my wife got up with the kids and I think given the chance I could easily sleep like that everyday!). Christmas when it was just me, my wife, and my kids was lovely but when my mum arrived I could feel something shift inside me. It’s a subtle shift but I am very aware of it now. I become ever so slightly anxious and ever so slightly hopeful….which I know is what happens when I sit down in therapy. I hope that my therapist will ‘see me’ but also anxious that she won’t.
It was civil enough with mum but just not ‘warm’. We chatted for a long while, but not about anything in particular – other people mainly. It was small talk. The ‘real’ things seem to be off limits. Since she said ,‘therapy was for losers’ a couple of months ago (despite knowing I am in therapy and have been on an off for the last decade), I am not really feeling like my mental health is a topic to broach anyway! I mean I guess it’s not a Christmas day topic (why?!) but I don’t know when the, ‘Mum I am really struggling to cope with what it was like when I was younger and it’s really impacting on me even now’ will ever come up.
Anyway, as so often happens all my sadness and feelings of loss and abandonment which clearly originate in my childhood have been fully transferred onto my therapist and our relationship in 2017. I am not grieving my mother’s lack of connection and relationship with me. I don’t want her now. Of course I don’t. I want the person who has given me the closest thing to unconditional love that I have experienced. It is intoxicating to all the younger parts of me and the adult too….but of course that is just a fantasy that needs to be crushed and grieved for too….eventually. Not now, though! Give me time!
This dream is a long one, so feel free to skip:
I was walking alone along the coast path not far from my therapist’s house. A little further along the bay I could see the snowflake card that I had given for Christmas resting on a wall/gatepost. It was as though it had been displayed as an ornament but it was now falling apart and broken in places. It had been left outside, and because it had been raining it had started to disintegrate. Perhaps she hadn’t realised that the card was only made of paper and therefore fragile….or perhaps she didn’t care?
As I walked further up the path I became increasingly angry. I felt sad and disappointed that something I had put thought and effort into, and had bought to symbolise our relationship seemingly meant nothing to her. It was fine to leave it out in the rain.
When I reached where the card was it turned out to be the entrance to a pub but it was also where she lived (?). Part of me wanted to walk on by and ignore her but another part was drawn to see if I could find her. To get to her place I had to walk through the bar which was incredibly busy because it was Boxing Day and up some narrow steps to the door. The door wasn’t locked so I let myself in – there was no one there.
I wandered around the house knowing that I shouldn’t be there but at the same time desperately craving any kind of connection with my therapist in order to try and prove to myself that she did care, didn’t mean to hurt me, and wouldn’t deliberately disregard something that I had given her that demonstrated the feelings I have for her.
The house was really tidy and one of the windows had a window seat and lovely view out over the sea. It wasn’t raining at that point but I could see the snowflake card looking really sorry for itself on the wall below. I decided to lay down and wrapped myself in a blanket that was on the seat and try and take in the space, and by extension, my therapist, but I must’ve fallen asleep.
I woke up to find my therapist kneeling down beside me and gently saying my name. I woke up with a start. I was mortified! She didn’t seem angry that I was there, but feeling exposed and off guard I immediately launched into an attack on her. I pretty much screamed at her that ‘she didn’t care about me’, that ‘I couldn’t believe that she would so easily disregard something I had given her, something that had taken me time and thought, but moreover something that really showed my feelings toward her’. I said ‘you told me that this card was about love. You know it is. Why would you treat my love like it doesn’t matter?’ I started crying.
She said, she was sorry and that she had put the card outside because it was beautiful so others could see it at Christmas but it had started raining when she was away. She was sorry that it had been damaged and was disappointed too. I petulantly (teen part) said ‘it didn’t matter’. I told her ‘I would never have left it outside’ and it just shows how I much I would value something from her if I had something and proves the lack of balance in the relationship.
I told her I still have every scrap of paper that’s she’s written holiday dates on for me. I said, ‘see how pathetic it is? – how pathetic I am? I hang onto the tiniest part of what you give me to try and sustain the connection. I have to try and make that enough and yet you couldn’t care less about things that clearly mean something, that are given with love’.
She said she understood how I was upset and wondered if there was anything we could do to fix the snowflake. I said ‘look at it, it’s falling apart, I don’t think it could be repaired and even if we could it’s not the fact the snowflake is broken that’s really the issue, it’s that you left it out in the first place, it doesn’t mean anything to you and it is not important to you’.
She told me that it was important to her and that’s why she had put it on display. She said she could see I was upset and asked what could make it better. I wanted to ask for hug. I so badly wanted to feel close to her. I knew that even though that was exactly what I needed I couldn’t ask for it because it was one of her ‘boundaries’.
Having this thought come into my mind made everything feel even more awful because I felt abandoned and rejected and now couldn’t ask for connection because it was one of her ‘distancing rules’ (boundaries) that I have no say in and it made the anger rise up in me again.
I said ‘I don’t know why I am even here. I just keep hurting myself in one way or another with you. I love you so so much but to you I am completely insignificant. All that happens when I am with you is that I get reminded how unimportant I am to you, and that really hurts. I can’t keep putting myself through this. It physically hurts that you won’t let me close to you and I just can’t bear it anymore.’
Then she said perhaps we could take the card to a dry cleaners and see if it could be mended. I said that was a ridiculous idea, it wasn’t clothing and it couldn’t be mended. I said to stop going on about the card – that she was missing the point. I went outside and brought it in off the wall and put in on her table. All the words I had written had blurred into a watercolour of ink.
I said I needed to go. I didn’t want to go, though. I felt really hurt but I didn’t want to leave because I knew there was a long time until I would see her again and in that time I knew my upset and anger would increase and I may never return to therapy.
She suggested that we could go for a walk along by the sea together and talk things through. I said that I would love that (caving in) and so we made our way downstairs through the pub which was now empty, and out for a walk.
We walked for a while but I said nothing. I didn’t know what to say. I still felt angry and upset and I was also aware that I was shutting down because I knew that I would have to leave her again soon. She looked at me and said ‘this has really upset you hasn’t it? You think I don’t care about you and that you don’t matter?’ I couldn’t look at her but nodded. She took hold of my hand and said ‘I am sorry. I really think there’s a lot to work through in this area’.
Then I woke up.
So yeah. Ugh! There we are another detailed version of the same old things. Whilst I know it is just a dream it taps so heavily into all the areas that bother me in the relationship. I have to remind myself when it feels this bad that what’s going on for me is not my therapist’s fault. The dream isn’t real. The issues are real but they aren’t of her making. I have deep-rooted attachment trauma and it’s playing out in this relationship now.
My adult knows (kind of!) that my therapist hasn’t just left me and stopped caring… but there are other parts who are not convinced that this hasn’t happened because this is their experience of what caregivers are like: they leave and they don’t care about me or my needs. I am not on the radar. I am not ‘kept in mind’.
I know my therapist is just a therapist (argh!) but there are parts of me that refuse to see her as anything other than the desperately longed for mother figure they need/ed. I know that the time for those young needs to be met has passed but the youngest parts of me don’t understand this at all because they are frozen back in time where it was possible. They are active in 2017 but they live back in the 80’s and early 90’s and to them there is still hope of things being ok, hope that whacking great mother wound can be filled with ‘her’ love.
Just writing this makes my stomach ache. It’s awful really. I have said this stuff so many times now. And, yet, whilst rationally I TOTALLY get it, I just cannot get accept it emotionally yet. I know that I shouldn’t ‘hope’ for the impossible but I would be lying if I said I didn’t.
I know this is why I am in therapy and why there is still a long way to run with my therapy…but right now, on Christmas break oh my god, it’s so hard! There was a period of time where I didn’t dream at all between 2013-16 (break in therapy) and I could go to bed to get away from things. Now I go to bed in the hope of escaping the emotional torment I feel and it chases me into my dreamworld and plays out there.
As I said a couple of months ago: ‘To sleep, perchance to dream’…but please, God, not about my therapist!
Sleep tight, everyone!
sending you lots of hugs. I teared up reading that, I just feel those parts pain! Could you ever share that dream with her? The second one I mean? I think she needs to hear it.
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I might take the blog post in and just have it over 😳- I think it needs working through but whether I am brace on the 8th is another matter! Yep. There’s lots and lots of pain. Hugs to you too xx
Oh good god…clearly my proofreading ability has not made it into blog replies 😂🙄
The sexual dreams… I’ve read that actually that’s normal and is indicative of a need for care. It’s a way in which adults express and receive care and love so it’s actually a good thing – means there is a part of you (the adult) who is able to feel that she is cared about and loved by her T. I haven’t had any sexual dreams about my T (rarely have them about anyone… especially not people I’m actually in relationships with… I have NEVER had a sexual dream about a boyfriend/husband. I think in my entire life I’ve had 2 maybe 3 dreams like this – I’m 33 – all about women!!). I’m not saying talk to her about the sex dreams because I can’t advise you to do something I wouldn’t (hypocritical!!) but just know it’s nothing to be ashamed of and is a good sign xx
Yeah, that’s what I was leaning towards once I got over the initial ‘noooooo’ moment. I can see how it’s about seeking closeness and care rather than the actual sexual element. My brain is desperately seeking ways to connect with her. 😩
Interesting that your intimate dreams have usually been with women. If I have sex dreams it’s usually about being with men and it’s massively disappointing! Ha! So at least this time it was at least a positive experience 😳😜
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No surprise to me really – I’m demi sexual (sex doesn’t matter to me since I don’t form a sexual attraction till I feel an emotional one so a person’s sex is irrelevant – just so happens that’s only happened with men so far, I’m open to either). But yeah sex with men is usually disappointing!!! LOL
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Ha! – well, that is very disappointing! lol.
I get what you mean about sexual attraction developing after an emotional connection has developed. If I am emotionally cut off then sex is a no go area.
Thank god for vibrators! 😂
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Hey. I really enjoyed reading this, not because of your pain of course but that I can relate to it all so, so much.
I have often written that I go to sleep to try and escape my feelings of sadness and then end up dreaming things which make me feel all sorts of abandonment pain and experience the dream hangover too so I’m totally there with you. There is nothing worse!!
I found your dream very interesting. The bit where you wake up in her house and she is there seems symbolic of you regularly falling asleep and dreaming of her? The rest you seem to have a pretty good grip on already. It’s interesting reading this because I’m going through a horrible rupture now and have the feelings you describe of being insignificant and abandoned and thinking I may never go back.
There is so much in that dream. Clearly as you say it’s all about connection but it is exhausting. Interesting again that the dream ends almost telling you there is work to be done on this (that feeling). Perhaps it is worth sending to her and having a proper session on? I am a believer that dreams bring unconscious needs and thoughts to the surface.
Thinking of you and hoping you find a way to clear your head from the dream – it’s a horrible feeling x
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Aww thanks. Yes! Agree with what you’re saying here. My brain knows where the work is, it just shows it very clearly on breaks!
If I emailed this or sent the link she won’t read it… which is arghhhhh! Bloody bastard boundaries. The agreement is if I send things she’ll know I’ve done it but won’t read and we can talk in session. I get the reasoning but sometimes it’s ugh sitting through this stuff face to face without forewarning. I am getting better at it- through necessity! Lol!
And to be fair, sending this won’t change the next session bring the 8th and it’ll encroach on her holiday. I would love a bit of reassurance but it isn’t going to happen so just need to suck it up. 😩
You’ve been on my mind after the bloody awful rupture with Fran. It makes me feel ill thinking about it so lord knows how you’re coping. Shutting it down? When is your next session?
Sorry you relate to these feelings too- this boat is full of us isn’t it?! X
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Oh really? I didn’t know that she wouldn’t read things you sent until you were there next, ouch that is so hard! I don’t know how you manage that. I often send things for the same reason you speak of, a bit of forewarning. I guess that’s more my worry that she will react instantly and forget to hide her true feelings for example with act shocked does that make sense?
I know what you’re saying that it won’t change anything but sometimes it’s cathartic just hitting the “send” button and kinda giving it to them to hold – saying that only you will know whether that will help or hinder.
Ah wow you remembered what happened and her name! That’s impressive! I don’t know what’s going on for me but I just feel like everything is ruined and that I never want to go back to be honest which I know is completely malproductive… xx
Thank you for sharing such intimate information in these postings. I had a dream about my current T right around the holidays. She and I were snuggling, and I was giving her a present. It was some sort of blouse that I really loved and wanted it for myself but was also happy to give it to her. I was so excited, and it felt so good and comforting to be in her arms. There was nothing sexual to this at all.
She opened the gift and liked it but could tell that I really liked it too and offered to give it back to me. Of course, at first, I refused, but she insisted. I finally took it and we both were so happy. My goodness that felt so good. I wish I could feel that all the time. I haven’t told her about this dream. Maybe one day I will. I’ve had a couple of others, and LOTS regarding the toxic T I had. She was almost always so obnoxious and cruel to me in these dreams. Not surprising.
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I’m glad that reading this blog is helping you feel less alone in this. When I set out to write this blog I thought I’d just tell it like it is (for me) because I know I’m not the only one who feels these things. The positive is, that I’ve been blogging such a long time now that I can see that things can, and do, change. It’s a slow road. There’s lots of retreading the same old ground. But eventually things do ease off. The feelings are there but my ability to ride them out is better and the feeling face first in the shit is really momentary compared with the past. You’ve got this!
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