To Anyone That Is Struggling.

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It probably won’t come as a big surprise to anyone that my social media basically is one big Mental Health zone. My WordPress, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest follows are basically all related to mental health – and I post and save a lot on my Facebook (which is personal and not related to ‘Rubber Bands And Chewing Gum’ too. Because of this, I have a steady stream of Mental Health content: new research in the world of psychology; book recommendations; new blog posts; affirming messages/memes; invitations to do a bit better with my self care whether it be diet/exercise/meditation; organisations posting strategies to feel a little bit less alone in the world- and it’s great…most of the time…

Sometimes, though, the picture I have just posted will feel a bit, I dunno, saccharine?? Of course, those times tend to be the times when I am armoured up and impenetrable or when I am doing fine (Tbh there aren’t all that many times like that in the month!) or when the Inner Critic is in situ and making me feel unworthy of care. Most of the time, these kind of messages are EXACTLY what I need to be seeing when I am indulging in some screen time. They make me feel connected and less – – fucking useless and failing at life!

It’s so refreshing to have something uplifting, motivational or meaningful on my feeds when frankly, so much of my screen seems to be filled with either what a knobhead Trump is or what a complete balls-up Brexit is! Twitter is particularly bad for this right?! I mean you can’t ignore what a shambles everything is but when you spend as much time scrolling as I do (my phone told me I was down by 21% on my screen time last week…but still averaging 3h 19 mins a day!!!!!)  it’s hard not to become overwhelmed by the state of things.

Anyway, this last week or so I have massively needed these little ‘you’re not a completely useless sack of shite’ pick me ups. I am so glad that I have structured my social media in such a way that it is constantly giving me both helpful reminders that things are going to be ok and also, importantly, that I am not alone in feeling wobbly some (a lot) of the time.

I got sucked into the sink hole of attachment misery this last week. I’ve been ill but not so ill that I should’ve fallen so spectacularly headfirst into the ‘My Mummy Doesn’t Love Me AND I Want My Therapist (Who Also Doesn’t Love Me)’ pit. I mean, it was an epic week so far as my starting point and end point went: polar opposites.

As you may have noticed, I’ve had a pretty amazing month so far as being adult and coping and being fine goes. Christmas break was — nothing —- just completely ok – enjoyable even – last week things still felt manageable. The BANG, the hint of a sniffle and a temperature and off I went careering into the abyss. The ground opened up beneath me and I was nose deep in trauma and attachment shit. I had to close my mouth because the shit line was so high.

Nightmare.

I basically went from: my life is busy but I am coping and I feel safely attached and contained in therapy TO Waaaaahhhhh my life is falling apart! Em has left me! I hate myself! I can’t do this! I need to hide…. My session on Friday was hard work we faced down that motherwound again and crikey is bloody painful.

Once I was drowning in my own special pit of emotional shit I found that I was plagued with really vivid dreams…most of which involve Em (what a shocker!) Oh how I love a #therapydream! 

Unfortunately, by Sunday (yesterday), I felt so utterly depleted and exhausted that I didn’t even have the energy to write about how shit it was feeling and ended up re-blogging a post from 2017. That was crap! But what was also crap was rereading it and seeing that despite being aware that I am a useless, needy baby when I get ill, there doesn’t seem much I can do about it even 15 months down the line.

Ah well. I guess it’s lucky I haven’t been ill for a while. I spent most of Autumn/Winter 2017 sick and so, looking back it’s little wonder I was such a mess with the attachment stuff.

So where does that leave things now? Well, it’s Monday morning now. I still feel yucky and attachmenty and frankly piss poor but I have written down my horrible dreams and alongside them the feelings I felt when I woke up. I am taking that all in with me to session as well as my blanket and hopefully I can just be how it is, explain how badly the wheels have fallen off, and try and get myself back on track.

I have way too much on this week to be stuck in with the upset primary school inside….this is also very true because if things follow the usual trend then it’s not going to be long until the secondary school bunch drop in….and I don’t want their self-loathing and anger to take root.

So, to anyone that is struggling….just to say – you are not alone…AT ALL.

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And for anyone that wants a laugh, my best friend sent me this last time I was having a similar meltdown….which actually I find equally as uplifting as the motivational things on my social media. Humour and sarcasm are my favourites!! ha x

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13 thoughts on “To Anyone That Is Struggling.

  1. individualmedley17 January 21, 2019 / 4:47 pm

    I’ve never tried replying like this before! But despite being logged in, wordpress won’t let me comment. Just wanted to say thanks, I needed this today. Especially the last one, made me laugh 😂. All the best, IM

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Liked by 1 person

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum January 21, 2019 / 5:12 pm

      WordPress is a law unto itself sometimes so far as commenting and seemingly not being signed in goes! lol. Yes! The last one is great isn’t it?!! It totally sums up how things are right now — epic fail with coping skills!! X

      Like

  2. Eliza January 21, 2019 / 5:39 pm

    Love and light.
    We’re with you.
    Hope this passes really soon……!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. behindapaintedsmile30 January 21, 2019 / 6:08 pm

    I do find some of the campaigning against the stigma people irritating on social media! ‘It’s okay not to be okay’ particularly irritates me because it relies on everyone being accepting of MI and life doesn’t work like that! I do love the motivational meme though! 😂
    I’m not surprised that the younger parts are activated, you have been doing some difficult work. Try not to shame yourself for needing a mum when you’re ill, it’s normal and may not just come from the present either. I hope today’s session provided some sort of comfort. x

    Liked by 1 person

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum January 21, 2019 / 8:30 pm

      Thanks love. I’m off to bed. Session was so hard. Not because of anything Em did or didn’t do but because I got caught up in a trauma response… ffs. How can one dream derail my entire existence 😬😬😬!!! Big hugs to you x

      Like

  4. DV January 22, 2019 / 4:42 am

    I find being unwell kicks me off the cliff as well. Get well soon!

    Liked by 1 person

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum January 22, 2019 / 5:51 am

      Yeah- it’s crap isn’t it?! Thank you. I am dragging myself through each day. Ugh! Just want to lie in bed- illness or depression … or a wonderful combo?!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Kerry January 22, 2019 / 8:08 pm

    sending hugs and lots of love. Feel better soon. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. kkroberts@surewest.net January 24, 2019 / 1:54 am

    That’s the best “to those who are struggling” post I have read. When I am down and out, reading the cheery “you can do it” and “Your life is all in front of you,’ just makes me feel worse. You shared so much and yes, it did make me feel a little better. Thank you for your truth and honesty. And I loved the last meme.

    Liked by 1 person

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum January 24, 2019 / 5:46 am

      Thank you 😊. I find it all a bit too ‘positive’ sometimes which is a bit ridiculous but when I’m in a bad place I think hearing that ‘it’s all going to be fine’ or ‘don’t let the past dictate the future’ doesn’t always hit the mark because in the moment the idea of things ever feeling better feels unlikely and then I feel like I’m even more of a failure…..! This mental health business is hard isn’t it??? X

      Like

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