Another Rupture…Over A Walk!

It’s certainly been an interesting couple of weeks in my head. And when I say ‘interesting’, I really mean a complete emotional shit show at times! It’s safe to say that all the attachment stuff has gone fully live in the therapeutic relationship with Anita and all the parts are starting to jiggle about for attention!…and (over)reacting left, right, and centre to the smallest of things. Eek!

Give me strength! … and moreover give my poor therapist strength as she’s certainly earning her money at the moment!

Anita has been so great, I mean really, she is just bloody amazing and is doing such great work trying to help me repair the damage done by Em…but she accidentally dropped the ball on Monday and it sent me into freefall for a bit. But I’ll come to that drama in a minute! 

I don’t think it’s any secret that the last few months have been a challenge so far as life and therapy goes. Everything with Em completely destabilised me and then just as I was settling into work with Anita, the pandemic hit. It’s hard to believe that the last session I had face to face with A was the 16th March although in all honesty I feel like I have been aware of every slow second of those five l-o-n-g months!

Despite working online, I have felt a bit like I’ve been in hovering in ‘break territory’ (and we all know how well I do with therapy breaks!) – in so far as I have been holding a lot of stuff that I simply can’t process properly if we are not together in the room. The main issue has been about not getting the regulation and connection for the young parts that happens face to face – the non-verbal stuff that you get from being with another person, absorbing their calm energy, making eye contact, seeing them breathe etc…all the cues that the youngest parts tune into in order to feel safe. And because I haven’t been able to access this stuff my system has just got more and more wound up as time has gone on.

I understand that COVID has been a nightmare for everyone. I mean honestly, whoever imagined that we’d be living through a fucking pandemic in our lifetime?! For those of us in therapy trying to work through complex trauma and histories of childhood neglect and abandonment it’s been huge, I mean super huge having our routine disrupted. Suddenly going from face to face therapy to working online away from our attachment figure has been such a shock to the system and it’s sent my system into a tailspin (and to be fair it was already in freefall after what happened with Em!)

I think because I have been in survival for so long now, my nervous system is just totally on edge but also kind of stuck in flight mode. My body is so overwhelmed from having to ‘hold on’ that when K came for the first time, a few weeks ago, to have a craniosacral session she walked in my gate, saw me, was standing about 5 metres away and the first words out her mouth were, “I can feel your nervous system from here!”.

Months of holding myself tightly in order that I didn’t completely fall apart has left me in a right state. I am so sensitised to the slightest thing now, my hypervigilance is off the chart and I am expecting something bad to happen. So of course when something in the field of rejection comes up I am on it in a flash.

Sigh.

Anita and I have been steadily building up trust in the relationship. I have been sharing quite a bit with her in my sessions but also reaching out outside them with various things and she’s been faultless with her responding – i.e an emoji or a quick reply. It honestly, has helped so much, especially as we’ve been working remotely.

I sent her a link to an article I had read online on the 5th that a friend had posted up and it really resonated so much that I wanted A to see it along with the caption:

Uggggh this resonated so much 😞 I can’t believe how much grief there is – my whole body is hurting x

For those that are interested, here’s the link to the article:

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2020/08/dear-therapists-stop-with-the-testimonial-injustice/

Anita, replied:

Wow, it’s as it you had written it. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. I know it’s hard to trust again and I will always try to be there but like everyone I don’t know what life holds in the future, but even if my house falls down we can always work online. I also know you have heard all this before and it’s daring to take the risk again.

I mean, she really is great, right? Like just nails it. And this is why I struggle looking back at what happened with Em. It doesn’t take ‘War and Peace’ to settle the anxious young parts – it’s not hours of time to formulate something holding…and yet she just couldn’t/wouldn’t do it.

I responded with:

Thank you. I just need a hug. I feel like I am going to cry but it doesn’t come. It’s like there’s a tsunami on the way. So exhausted. And I really hope your house doesn’t fall down  😬 x

And then she sent this and oh my god, the little parts inside melted:

It was all going so well!

Then it was Monday morning and I was scrolling through Twitter and saw a couple of brilliant things from Beacon House that I forwarded to her – one was a graphic with a swan that said, ‘Inside even the most composed and competent adult is a little child who is still learning to trust, love, and be loved.’ Like really, that’s totally me…

Anyway, the session was largely fine. I actually can’t remember any of it apart from the last ten minutes! But I know it was ok…

We got talking about work and how I feel like I might have overextended myself in September. She asked me how I was thinking about managing face to face sessions (tutoring) and I explained my plans. All very adult. All very competent. I said how not all students will return straight away as some are happy working online but that some of my students absolutely need face to face. I mentioned again one particular student with whom I resumed my sessions just before the summer holidays and how beneficial it had been to him….and then this is where the shit hit the fan with a minute to go…

Anita said:

I have a couple of clients who have really struggled and so I have done walk and talk therapy.

BOOM.

Cue internal collapse.

I hid how I felt – mask on – and fortunately that was the end of the session but SHITTTTTT everything went up in smoke. I was totally distraught.

Like really?

Honestly?

How could she not see that I have been hanging on by a thread? It’s always the same shit.

I text my friend about it. She talked me down a bit but was able to understand why this news was such a shock to the young parts. She asked me if I felt able to let Anita know what had happened when she said that? Whether I trusted her enough to tell her how upset I was rather than spiral out of control.

It was hard to see a way through the painful feelings of feeling unseen, rejected, abandoned it just felt like ‘here’s another therapist that just doesn’t care and doesn’t get me’ but I also realised that I was responding from a really hurt place that Anita isn’t even responsible for. She’s just tapped into the mother wound and the hurt around what’s happened with Em.

I didn’t feel able to construct a new text to A. I was overwhelmed, sad, and tired. So I just copy and pasted my text to my friend and sent it to A. I was hurting but when I thought about it there was part of me that believed she would respond kindly and not just ignore me in the way Em would have:

I’m trying to side step an internal meltdown before it plunges into total collapse. So I’m sending you this … which is what I sent my friend when we got off the call. I’m drowning in the shame and embarrassment but actually if you don’t know then it doesn’t help:

Argh. Bloody therapy has just triggered a landmine 😩. I was talking about how I was planning to manage face to face working in September in my office and said that some students will likely stay online through choice but there are a few that absolutely need face to face work, and how transformational it was going back to face to face with boy. This was end of session and with a minute to go Anita tells me ‘yes, I agree, some of my clients need face to face work and there are a couple who have really struggled so I’ve done walk and talk therapy’

Like wtf?? 😭

How is it that I come across as a person that doesn’t need face to face even when I’ve said as much as I can about how much I’m struggling? Why, because I’m articulate and controlled and ‘together’ enough do people not hear my words when I say it’s felt bad and like I’m hanging by a thread? I’m never going to scream or meltdown or cry
or beg because that’s not how I am- especially after what happened with Em I’m
terrified of being seen as too demanding or needy.

I’m so upset that she didn’t even have me on the radar as ‘having that need’. I know you understand the stuff I wrote in my blog the other week about how hard it is for someone with disorganised attachment, childhood trauma and neglect, dissociation, parts that struggle with feelings abandonment and rejection to work online because all the usual cues are missing and the coregulation just doesn’t happen – I’ve said it enough times… I know I’m like a broken record.

You can guess exactly how that information feels to young parts- confirmation of the narrative ‘she hates me, she doesn’t care, she doesn’t really see me’ and all I want to do is run away now because I’m so over trying to teach people about me and my needs. I can’t be any more explicit than I am.

And yes I am hormonal 😳. But I just want to cry. It’s the same stuff playing out time and again – ‘she’s a good girl, seems fine’ and people never noticing that the walls are crumbling because the mask is glued to my face.

I just feel like a bomb has been dropped internally on the youngest most vulnerable parts… I get it’s an overreaction but it’s tapped right into that thing about not being seen, not mattering and being left to cope. And I totally get that there’s tonnes of evidence to the contrary but these little ones don’t understand – it’s been like an ongoing re-enactment of how it was when my mum was away … just hanging on til she came back. Only I don’t know when Anita will be back 😕

I wish I was a rager who could express what I am feeling rather than a quiet person that takes everything underground and inside. 😞 Maybe I should just give up. I’m clearly fucking rubbish at therapy.

I don’t have the resources or energy to deal with this right now.

I miss you.

——

That’s the rant.

And within half an hour there was a reply. Not a three day radio silence…or a complete lack of acknowledgement which is what I have come to expect from a therapist:

Thank you for your honesty. I am so so sorry for my complete blunder. I honestly have only done one walk and talk just once with a client that won’t work remotely at all not even over the phone. I have been working with them for years. This is no excuse and I don’t know why I hadn’t thought about offering that to you. I think because we have been connecting on line. But I am more then happy to arrange one. I can not apologise enough. With regret, Anita

Then I saw I also had a missed call from her.

Damn.

By the time all this came through on my phone my period had arrived (!!!!) and I felt slightly less insane. I was still hurting a lot but I had got a little bit of my adult online and could see that whilst it feels enormous to the young parts who are so badly hurt it’s not really the end of the world. It just feels impossible when it’s like this. It’s evidence of my system at work – this is the work I need to do with A.

I responded:

It’s fine. I understand. I’m just tired and overwrought. It’s like an overflowing bath and I can’t work out how to turn taps off.

I thought that would be it. We’d talk later in the week and sort it out. I felt much better just that she had acknowledged that I was hurting and didn’t try and blame it on me or tell me I was overreacting, or that she’s just my therapist or any of that other gaslighting shit that used to happen with Em:

It’s not fine and what I have said is the truth but don’t know how to say it without it sounding like a lame excuse. Let’s sort out a time for a walk and talk. 💜

I sent her three GIFs that basically summarised my internal response from different parts and she replied:

Yes I understand all of those reactions and wish I had done things differently. Like in all relationships ours will have bumps because humans don’t always get it right. I believe it’s how we grow and own our mistakes that really count. Where trees fall foxgloves grow.

We’ve messaged back and forth quite a bit this week. Just short check ins, emojis, GIFs etc but it felt really connected and helpful – holding. Later in the week I sent her a link to one of my old blog posts about therapy being a bit like and emotional rollercoaster and she told me that when she read it she just wanted to give me a hug… which again made me feel like she really is there, gets it, and is committed to helping.

So you would think my session yesterday would have been a breeze after all the mini bits of repair and settling since Monday wouldn’t you? Well, sure. that’d make sense. Only no. That’s just not how I work! haha.

By Thursday night I had started to feel really ashamed and embarrassed at my reaction to finding out she’d seen another client face to face. Like proper internal cringeing. I started to panic that Anita would think I was too much like hard work, too needy, too mental…and would just think, ‘fuck this, it’s too much effort’ just like Em.

I really struggled to answer to video call yesterday. It must have rung for nearly a minute. And when I did pick up I felt myself freeze. Child parts were there and my words just weren’t. I told her I felt embarrassed. Anita quickly realised what was going on and worked really hard at trying to reassure me that my reaction made so much sense and that she was so sorry for hurting those vulnerable parts and how scary it is to them because they are trying to trust and then they get let down by her. 

A few weeks ago I drew an analogy between me and her dog, who is a rescue, and it seems to have really resonated with her. She said that she can really see how traumatised I am and how like the dog I am and how much care I need because of what I have experienced at the hands of others. I’ve explained that terribly!! haha.

Anita genuinely really cares. I know she does. I can feel it. She understands how painful this kind of thing is (with the walk) and did everything she could to make amends. I could feel myself slipping further into the young parts, the toddler part and even the baby. She talked to them a lot and I could feel them crying inside. I just really wanted a hug. I could feel tears pricking in my eyes but I shut them down…another part moved in, an older part. She noticed the change.

I was able to tell her that I felt like I was trying to protect myself – like a tortoise in its shell. I said that this kind of protection is also really disconnecting and not what I need and when it happens in the room that distancing feels shit, but actually online it’s really shit because not only am I locked away inside myself, she is also locked away in my phone and it’s so hard to connect and it feels horrid. I don’t think I’ve been as explicit as this before. i.e I have told her I am struggling but not actually how hard I am struggling with the constraints of online therapy. We have talked about how different it is and how hard it is not to have eye contact but I haven’t expressly said “I can’t reach you”.

I think it was a bit of a lightbulb moment for her alongside the events of the weeks and she asked me if I wanted to book in a walk.

What do you think I said?

Go on…I’ll give you a prize for the right answer!

Well, of course, that’s the moment when the petulant, angry teen came up and just said, “No”.

Like WTAF?! I make all that fucking fuss about her having a walk with a client who hasn’t had any therapy at all in 5 months and then I get what I want and I refuse it. You literally cannot make this shit up!

Anita didn’t push it. I think she could tell there was a lot of internal conflict going on. So she told me then that she is actively working with the guy that owns the therapy room that she works out of on Wednesdays in my city to see about how viable it is to go back to face to face work when she gets back from her holiday on the 7th September.

I usually see her at her home but I can understand why she might want to extend her working in the rented room for now. Tbh it’s a ten minute drive to that venue rather than the forty to her home. I am just not massively keen on the idea of a new place, it won’t feel so ‘homely’ (I’ve seen the pictures) or have her stuff in it but to be honest I need to not let those picky parts start splitting hairs. Being able to meet A in person in a room, after what will then be six months, is really what I need to focus on.

She says she won’t know what the plan is for a bit as it depends on lots of things like insurance etc and she also said that she doesn’t think that working in masks or visors is really appropriate to the kind of work we do because facial expressions are so important and particularly for clients with childhood trauma because it’s just like the still face experiment.

I am glad she is aware of this and is thinking carefully about things. I am not going to get my hopes up too much as there are so many factors that need working through, but for her to tell me that she is trying to get back to face to face was helpful and for her to ask me if I would want to come back…well internally I was doing a happy dance but externally I gave absolutely nothing away….

FFS!

The session was coming to the end and she asked me again to think about the walk before she goes on holiday at the end of next week and coming back to the room and let her know what I think.

After the session, I was scrolling on Facebook and a video came up of a challenge where you go and sit with your toddler whilst they’re watching their favourite show and film their reaction. They were lovely. All the kids stop what they are doing and kiss or cuddle their parent – and connect. It made me cry…because I know this was never my reality.

Anyway, I decided I wanted to see A for a walk, but equally was terrified that because I want it but there is only a week until she goes on holiday there would be a strong chance we wouldn’t be able to find a time. I sent this:

Thank you for being there and trying to be reassuring today. It’s so hard. I just saw this video https://www.facebook.com/199098633470668/posts/7821700421210413/?vh=e&d=w and it properly broke my heart because this is what it feels like inside – and even younger still – and yet there never was anyone there. There was never this kind of experience – no ‘I love you’ no holding, no attunement. I look at the connection and love in this video and there’s nowhere in my internal experience to hang it on and I just feel immense loss. Like I know that child is there inside, wanting to love and to be loved and instead is spiralling out of control in the dark, alone. The grief feels completely overwhelming.

I am beyond terrified of being rejected and abandoned for being too much, too needy, annoying. And It’s really huge because it’s happened recently (with Em) not just in my past. I really really do want to see you in person – for a walk, back in the room, whatever … but there’s also a part of me that doesn’t want to need or want that, or for you to know how hard it is. Also, I was wondering, can I send you something in the post before you go on holiday? 

She messaged me back and said that she knows that lots of therapists would say no to me sending something but to her that feels rejecting so I could send her something if I wanted so long as it wasn’t a bag of 💩😂!

I laughed and said that it definitely wasn’t a bag of 💩 and then told her I missed her. She sent me a hug and then asked me if I was able to get childcare anytime this week to have a walk. Anyway after a bit of back and forth we are booked in for a walk on Tuesday afternoon… I’ll let you know how we get on! The good news is that at least a part of me is excited!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

48 thoughts on “Another Rupture…Over A Walk!

  1. behindapaintedsmile30 August 15, 2020 / 12:34 pm

    I’m glad you got it sorted out. Some part of you must trust Anita or you would just freeze and not do anything. I do think that there are things that we have to ask for because they’re not mind readers especially because because we hide things so well. I doubt that I would have had any face to face sessions if I hadn’t asked. I’m not trying to make it sound simple or easy, or critical though. I hope the walk goes well xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 15, 2020 / 12:49 pm

      Yeah. I’m getting there with things- asking – I guess I’m just so programmed for ‘no’ with no further discussion or compromise that it’s going to wake a while to realise I might actually get a ‘yes’ sometimes! 😳 how are you holding up after everything with T? X

      Liked by 1 person

      • behindapaintedsmile30 August 15, 2020 / 1:22 pm

        Yeah it takes time to learn that your needs will be met or understood if you ask. My therapist says it takes practice and I do think that the more you do it the more safe it will feel. The communication between you and Anita is great though! I think that things ended at the right time with Em because, well, you would have been reliant on Em’s support online through a pandemic. You would have been all at sea. 😱
        Not great. I’m very anxious because I can’t change it and the relevant authorities are doing the bare minimum. They’re also worried about offending certain communities too rather than just trying to educate them or fine them! It’s a shit show and I feel like T is happy because she doesn’t have to see me. 😫x

        Liked by 2 people

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 15, 2020 / 1:25 pm

        Crikey – online for months with Em!!! Can you even imagine 😩 and no outside contact. Sheesh.

        I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. It’s really a bloody shambles how they’ve managed this stuff. I mean really bad.

        Sending you hugs and really hope things improve soon. X

        Like

  2. LovingSummer August 15, 2020 / 1:21 pm

    I am soooo delighted to hear this! Anita is brilliant, I’m so glad you’ve got her as your therapist. She really can’t seem to do too much for you! You will LOVE the walking therapy, walking itself is a type of therapy, and being there in person is magic. So, so glad for you! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 15, 2020 / 1:23 pm

      Yeah I’m excited about it… and a bit nervous too. I feel so silly behaving like that. Ugh. Ah well, this is the work so best get digging in! And she’s away for two weeks as of Friday 😕

      Like

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 15, 2020 / 1:49 pm

        At least I know Anita is accepting and kind even if I struggle to be compassionate towards myself! Fingers crossed I don’t lose my mind on the break 😳😅

        Like

      • LovingSummer August 15, 2020 / 1:55 pm

        Yeah, I hear you there. I think sometimes when we hang around people displaying compassion it kind of rubs off on us – at least that’s what I find with Guy a little bit. And the kind of things that people write here on WordPress too. It’s like absorbing the art of compassion by osmosis or something!

        Liked by 1 person

      • LovingSummer August 15, 2020 / 2:04 pm

        I realise that’s one of the reasons I find out so hard between sessions; I kind of soak in Guy’s calm and outlook, but it a like a phone battery, it dies out fast enough and I need to top up again!

        Liked by 2 people

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 15, 2020 / 3:42 pm

        Yeah, it’s like there’s nowhere to store it. It slips like grains of sand through our fingers. One day it’ll be more solid and easier to hold onto!

        Like

      • LovingSummer August 15, 2020 / 2:05 pm

        I think I’ve just made myself sound like a parasite! 🙊

        Liked by 1 person

  3. CB August 15, 2020 / 2:08 pm

    I’m so glad you’re going for a walk! But ffs funny not funny how she asks if you want a walk and gets NO as the response 😂 glad she persevered. I yelled at K to put Little Miffy in the bin if she didn’t want her and that if she posted her I’d put her in the bin because I don’t want her. So far from the truth but it just came out in a giant strop 🤷‍♀️ Really glad also that A is looking at going back to face-to-face in her office space, I do get their reticence when it’s their home they work in especially. Hope Tuesday meets some needs 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 15, 2020 / 3:45 pm

      Oh man! Honestly I really couldn’t bloody believe myself. Like wtf?! After all that drama and fuss and then to say no!! Thankfully A is patient and is prepared to work with me as I need her to. When I told her I missed her in the text and she responded with ‘can you get childcare for a walk this week?’ … I was like ‘phew, she understands my crazy!’ I hope that we can work something out for face to face but I am not holding my breath but even walks some weeks would be better than nothing I think. I’m hoping and guessing that Miffy didn’t end up in your letterbox after that??! Sending hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

      • CB August 15, 2020 / 8:43 pm

        Haha, no thank god! When her package came for us to open in our last session on Monday my heart skipped a beat till I could tell Miffy wasn’t in there. That would have been bonkers! I’m so glad Anita has good awareness of the push/pull from different parts and could tell straightaway that you weren’t actually meaning no to a walk! It’s just such a change from Em and so deserved. Hugs 🤗

        Liked by 1 person

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 15, 2020 / 9:34 pm

        Oh thank goodness. Such a lovely thing to have a package to open in your last session. And very glad Miffy still there with K. I’m giving A something in Tuesday as the reverse transitional object. Let’s hope it goes better than when I gave Em things 😩

        Liked by 1 person

      • CB August 15, 2020 / 9:51 pm

        I kind of feel like it probably couldn’t go worse than that!! I’m sure Anita will do and say all the right things. Just make sure give it to her and don’t bring it home again! 🙂 xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 15, 2020 / 10:01 pm

        Ha. My god I can’t even say how many trips into the room and home it took for me to give Em something. And yes, this would be hard pushed to go worse than Christmas gift!! A knows I want to send her something so now we’re meeting I’ll do it in person… unless I chicken out! 😱

        Liked by 1 person

      • CB August 15, 2020 / 10:03 pm

        Hopefully she knows you well enough to ask you to take it out your bag lol. I really hope the meeting goes well. I have been imagining how nervous I would be to see K and our relationship wasn’t new when this shits how house of horrors started… xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 16, 2020 / 8:49 am

        I know. We’d only been working together for two months before lockdown and so whilst I want to see her it’s also kind of awkward. Like we’ve never hugged (not that we will just yet because of distancing) but I feel now like so much has changed, we have built a relationship, but wonder if going in person will feel like ‘we don’t know each other’… not that I’m overthinking this at all 😱

        Like

      • CB August 16, 2020 / 9:30 am

        K and I met at the woods about 18 months ago, so about 3 and a half years into our work, and it was lovely but it did come with feelings of awkwardness and that awareness that even though we have such an intimate relationship we are not friends or family and there is always a slight holding back. If it was me I’d prefer to be sitting down somewhere outside than walking too much, so I could slow things down and check what’s happening inside and whether parixrukar parts need to share anything. I feel as though a whole hour of walking would be too much of a whirlwind internally and wouldn’t offer containment and holding. The other T I asked about working in-person is doing outside sessions now where she meets the client and they walk a bit to a secluded spot where they sit. I hope you find something that works for you and that the thunder has effed of by then xx

        Like

      • CB August 16, 2020 / 9:31 am

        🤣 it sums it up perfectly doesn’t it!

        Like

  4. droppingintome August 15, 2020 / 3:49 pm

    omg! so much here! first off i have to say it made me smile when you said “What do you think I said?
    Go on…I’ll give you a prize for the right answer!”
    because that is so something i would do. hahaha. god.
    i’m so glad you were able to tell her how upsetting that was when she told you about the walk with the other client, and her response was so …. honest.
    and what you said about it being insane that A wouldn’t KNOW that you really need that face-to-face also resonates with me. i have a weird feeling that my therapist thinks that because we’ve been doing 2x/week online sessions for five months, i must be ok with doing it this way, and then i’d be like last priority to see in person. i’m too scared to ask about whether face-to-face is on her radar because i feel like it probably isn’t. the US is just in such bad shape still.
    ANYWAY i admire your honesty and it’s really great modeling to see you do that and then see that it’s *possible* to have your needs met. good for you.
    xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 15, 2020 / 4:00 pm

      Ah thanks! It’s felt a bit surreal this week to be honest. Like what a freaking mess over a walk! But it’s shown me that it’s ok to be upset, freak out, and say how I feel and that A isn’t going anywhere. She told me she can handle whatever I throw at her so stop holding back for fear of being a ‘bad client’. She’s been so good to me. She really sees the child inside…that’s why it felt so disappointing when she clearly didn’t see the need. I guess what I would say is what do you have to lose if you ask your T about face to face? I mean she might say it’s not coming any time soon…which is kind of like now. I didn’t want to ask because I didn’t want to hear it might be months away. But what I did by saying nothing was failing to get something I could really have benefitted from much sooner. Thinking of you….and yes, I’m honest here because I have to be ‘sane’ in the real world!! haaaa! xx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. slantgirl August 15, 2020 / 5:43 pm

    you know, like last time, i was waiting for the rupture to get epic and dramatic… and just like that, it was resolved!! i love love love how well you and Anita are handling this. the multiple responses back communicating to you that she got the fuck-up, and was taking responsibility and aiming to do better… that’s so amazing! i think you’ve found a gem in her. I’m stoked she persevered and you’re going for a walk, how fun! Walks are not something Ts seem to be doing where I live at all (though they have been back in person for a while).. I would kind of LOVE to go for a walk with my T! I really hope you all enjoy it. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 15, 2020 / 8:12 pm

      Yeah, I know…it’s amazing how she responds to me, understands why I am upset, and takes responsibility for her part in things. She listens and adapts. She tries to meet my need. She is so genuine and human in how she interacts with me and it’s such a breath of fresh air after all those years with Em when I would occasionally be able tell her how upset I was and how it was like talking to teflon….nothing stuck or penetrated and my upset was my own issue. I feel really lucky but also very nervous about how things will go. I am terrified of being too much for her because I am being a lot more ‘myself’ (ie needy) with her and I feel like it’s only a matter of time until she is overwhelmed. She tells me she is fine but it’s hard to take it on board after Em! I am excited to meet A out of the room – but also it feels a bit weird as we had only really been working two months when pandemic hit! So it’s not like it’ll be going back and putting on a comfy pair of shoes….it’s still all quite new. Fingers crossed it goes ok! Hope you are doing ok x

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Lucy King August 15, 2020 / 9:14 pm

    I’m totally exhausted and trying to process today’s session but I wanted to say I read this earlier and felt for you so much. And also I want my own Anita! 💔🥰💕 beautifully handled.

    Liked by 2 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 15, 2020 / 9:36 pm

      Thanks L. Look forward to reading about your session. Be gentle with yourself. I am beginning to see that if I really let A see me she responds really well. It’s like breaking lots of hard set habits though. 😳

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lucy King August 15, 2020 / 11:37 pm

        Thank you. Just about to post. I’m so glad you’re in that space RB. xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 16, 2020 / 8:54 am

        I’ve just looked back over all the messages I’ve sent her since lock down. Honestly, Em would have gone off her rocker. I sent more texts this month than in the entire 8 years with Em! 😱

        Liked by 1 person

      • Lucy King August 16, 2020 / 9:17 am

        😍 I love that. Em just unfortunately didn’t know how to work with you, it was her lacking and sadly you had to bear the brunt of her lack. I’m so glad you have A 💕 I really think I’m going to need to find my own Anita at some point 😔

        Liked by 1 person

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 16, 2020 / 9:20 am

        I think what I would say to you is if you feel in your gut that it’s not meeting you where you need then listen to that. I spent years and years trying to make Em enough. Trying to convince myself that I could work in the way she wanted to. But fundamentally I needed more care, warmth, and importantly… holding. I know you’ve just had a tough session which I’ll comment on when I get home later so it’s easy to catastrophise when feeling unseen but I think after A you know what you need and how you need to heal xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • Lucy King August 16, 2020 / 9:26 am

        You’re very right and that’s the problem. After Anna, I know what’s out there! But my brain has made up all sorts of reasons why I should stay with Linda. One being that she is my last link to Anna. Another being that Anna recommended her to me. Another being that maybe Anna was one of a kind. Argh I feel like my heads gonna explode. I’d love your feedback if and when you have time to read the post 💕

        Like

  7. Eliza August 15, 2020 / 10:29 pm

    Honestly, I just related to it all. I’m in awe of your bravery and courage. Sharing and now taking this walk on Tuesday. I’m also glad you’ll be doing it 💕
    Sending virtual hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 16, 2020 / 8:52 am

      Thanks Eliza 💜… I think this time round I’m just like ‘I have to let her know how it is’ because I held back so much with Em and she still left so what do I have to lose? I’d sooner find out now that she can’t cope with me and refer on than 8 years down the line. In that respect Em did me a huge favour. 😞

      Like

      • Eliza August 16, 2020 / 9:44 am

        🙂
        I looked for a therapist recently (stopped looking). I was really honest about what I’d be like. I appreciate that she told me she doesn’t do hard work because then I’m saving all the pain (though what is one of the only therapists okay with sh/suicidality and writing she deals primarily with trauma daying she doesn’t do therapy when she’ll have to work hard???)
        It’s helpful for me to see your honesty…..
        Sending sunshine and sparkles

        Like

  8. easetheride August 19, 2020 / 6:24 pm

    I feel like it’s all been said at this point, so I don’t have much to add except that I’m glad you have Anita and she seems to be slowly healing these wounds with nothing beyond simple compassion. That’s really all it takes sometimes. Glad you got through this…onto the next step!

    Liked by 1 person

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