Ugh! What a week. I feel like I am in some kind of weird emotional paralysis – but stuck in utter hell so it’s not a good place to be AT ALL- and it’s stopped me from doing anything with this blog post. Despite knowing all I have to do is go dredge up stuff from April into May – so it’s not even all that ‘live’ now – it’s not proving easy. If it were this would have been posted last week and instead it’s still swirling unwritten, and my head is spinning.
I feel like I am thinking with cotton wool where my brain should be at the moment. I do know that this kind of dissociation is one of my most effective protectors but, honestly, it’s actually really preventing me from processing now. I guess I should thank my brain – it obviously wants to save me pain…and it is painful looking at this. However, my body is sending me all the messages that things are not ok even if my brain is trying to conceal things from me. I feel soooooo anxious and shaky and generally just very not ok.
I am on a massive emotional downward spiral in the here and now and am really struggling to hold all the parts together in order to remain in some way functional. I guess in some ways this recent-ish stuff with Anita is where the unravelling started accelerating and so I am reluctant to bring it to the front and centre again given where it has all led me.
The young parts are utterly inconsolable right now and I have this overwhelming need to feel safe and contained because I simply can’t regulate myself which is really disappointing given how much work I have done on myself. I feel like I am so full of tears, but they won’t come out. I feel like a dam that is on the verge of bursting but for some reason I can’t give myself the permission to let it all out – probably because I am terrified that once I start crying, I just won’t stop. I know that isn’t how it works and I know I can’t cry forever but something is holding me back. I guess, part of it is I just don’t want to feel this alone anymore.
It’s weird, there’s a massive disconnect inside. There are parts of me that are screaming out for Anita but the sadness those young parts feel when they know she is so far gone is absolute agony and so instead, they’re left in this wasteland of terror. There are others who absolutely don’t want Anita and want Elle instead – but that isn’t helpful, either, because Elle isn’t here to hold my hand and wrap me in her arms 24/7… and let’s be really clear here, I don’t want to end up face first in attachment hell with Elle because that won’t end well- although I don’t feel like I have much choice in the matter at the moment as my system steamrolls over my coping adult self.
So here I am navigating the fallout of the last year and feeling completely unequipped for the job. I think I have spent a lot of the year in avoidance and now I can’t outrun the feelings anymore … so yay for that! Yikes.
Anyway, last post I mentioned that immediately following my email to Anita asking her to help figure out a way for me to get my stuff back if she wouldn’t end that I wrote an email to Elle too…because…I am beyond help…but actually because I was really suffering. It was not long after the session where I had braved asking for a hug in session and I’d spent the majority of the session snuggled into Elle’s body – which felt amazing but also triggered all sorts of panic. And then of course she was about to go on a break…cue nightmares. So here’s more of RB in her meltdown era:
Dear Elle,
This is a real mess. It’s taken ages to get down because my brain refuses to think in a joined up way… or, rather, there’s been a fuck tonne of internal resistance and I’ve been fighting against various parts that want to shut this down over the last month. I keep zoning out every time I think about saying something, so leave it… or it completely disappears from my head when I see you. 🤦♀️ Things get worse and I repeat the cycle over and over until today and I’ve woken up screaming from a nightmare and I think that’s probably a message that I’m not really doing very well.
The last month or so I’ve been having dreams/nightmares where in various ways you’ve left or abandoned me in some way. In the ones where you leave sometimes you tell me what’s going to happen in advance and other times I only find out after you’ve gone – but either way there’s no explanation for what’s happened – I’m just left to pick up the pieces. It’s not a break it’s an end.
Sometimes the dreams are strange, and we’ll be in a situation that feels really off. I’ll tell you how what’s happening is hurting me and you don’t care at all, and I’ll leave – only making it as far as the next room and crumbling in a heap. I’m finding it both exhausting and unsettling.
I think part of it is that my brain has a wonderful way of catastrophising around dates/anniversaries and likes a good couple of months run in to build as much panic as it can. It’s almost a year since Anita’s holiday that turned out to be the end of our therapeutic relationship. The “it’ll be fine and I’ll be back and nothing is going to change” couldn’t have been further from the truth and I feel like I’ve spent nearly a year in survival now… I mean on top of the usual life survival 😅. So I’m not really surprised that everything has become so panicked inside lately. I feel like the light on a lighthouse constantly scanning the horizon for danger and finding it everywhere.
Only it’s really gone wild the last few days since telling me you’ll be away. I feel stupid because most of me knows you’re just having rest and a break … which is good and necessary- like it really is. But there’s these other very scared parts that think you might not come back at all. I get it’s unlikely but actually there is a pattern of people disappearing after or during a holiday and it’s not like it’s only historical from being small- although there’s that in there, too. And I really get how fucking ridiculous this sounds – but it feels like I’ve gone up through a hole in the clouds at the top of the Magic Faraway Tree and hit the land where everything is topsy turvy and keeps flipping so there is nothing solid.
So, I feel fucking weird about that … and actually not just about the break. I think in general I’m really struggling to figure out what’s going on. I really get how bonkers it sounds when I say that I lose all sense of you or our relationship between sessions- or at least lots of parts of me do. Like every single time I see you it feels like I’m trying to work out who you are, if you are safe, what might have changed, how you feel, if we are ok. Inside it’s chaos and it’s like trying to convince a bunch of really protective gatekeepers that you’re not going to deliberately hurt the parts they are trying to protect.
It’s hard because all the while I’m trying to appease those parts and also take care of the very sad, needy ones I am having a completely different kind of conversation with you. I am really aware of boring the shit out of myself when I’m talking to you. It’s really hard because I feel like I can’t win. If I’m boring myself then I feel like you must be slowly dying inside and clock watching too. But, clearly, there’s some part of my system that believes that it is safer to be like this than actually exposing the parts of me that are distraught and broken. And I really get why this is happening – like I’d have to be an absolute masochist to put myself in a position where I could be hurt again in therapy.
The other week I was so anxious and dissociated when I arrived that I don’t think I was even able to speak to you for quite a bit of time. I don’t know what happened to allow myself to ask for a hug that day because the protector parts of me had been screaming not to and wanted to go home. This is because I’m absolutely terrified of being pushed away now.
The thing is, there is also the bit of me that is like a heat-seeking missile that actually more than anything wants to be close and connect rather than be in lockdown. I find it really hard feeling far away and disconnected because it triggers my system really badly – it’s all the stuff about being too much *list goes on*…so it felt really nice to not have twenty layers of armour on and for the first time in a really long time I felt like my entire system settled…for a few days at least.
Only it didn’t last because when I saw you again it felt like I had no idea what was going on and the same pattern of trying to figure out if things are safe, ok, unchanged happened – only with the complicating factor of having exposed that really needy part and having zero clue what the outcome of that was from your side …
So – yeah- I feel like I’m unravelling at the minute… or pretty much continuously since May tbh 😩. And whilst I’m shining the light on the crazy, I sent this to A – I doubt she’ll respond. But as much as it will be really painful to have my stuff, I think after all this time it’s only right that I should have it back. It’s been colossal shitshow and not at all what we agreed would happen at all:
[THE LETTER TO ANITA CAME HERE]
So this was a really fucking put myself on edge kind of a communication week – I’d let ALL THAT out the bag with Elle and also sent the big thing to Anita all with one session remaining before Elle went on a break. Talk about door-handle type revelations there! I do wonder whether there was a part of me that decided to burn the house down right before the break so that if it all landed badly I would have some hiding time and could come back and pretend like nothing had happened.
Anyway, first to reply was Elle:
That’s such a beautiful honest clear request to Anita. I badly hope you get the response you want, and that you get a chance to reclaim your things and maybe also a little fraction of what they symbolise for you.
I think it’s really important for you to recognise the importance of “I don’t know what happened to allow myself to ask for a hug that day”. I think you did and do know on some level that, despite all the wounds that you have been dealt, that it was safe to ask for that hug. Personally, it felt such a meaningful thing for you to ask and to hold on (and squish tighter!) in the way that you did, but at the same time I had no sense or expectation that that session was the one that would unlock our relationship and allow you to feel you could finally completely trust me. A step forward is still a step forward, don’t negate it by whatever comes next.
I so appreciate you sharing, and I don’t want you to feel that – by not bringing any of this up on Tuesday – you’re somehow backing away from all of this. You’re not, you’re just taking your time, being vulnerable in the way that feels safest to you and yet still being so courageous. I want you to know how much I appreciate that.
I’ll see you in a few days. Until then, keep breathing and allowing yourself to be loved.
——–
I feel a bit weird posting that reply here – I feel incredibly protective of the relationship I am trying to build with Elle and have been really reluctant to be specific about anything she has said/emailed here because, well, I don’t want her to feel self-conscious that stuff she might say might end up here on the blog and then as a result stop saying these lovely things which have felt soooo important for the building of trust in our relationship.
I know I have a long way to go and it’s a sloooooowwww process, but I think it’s important to show this email because it really highlights the difference between Elle and Anita now and how I am most certainly with the right therapist for where I am now. That message felt so holding and containing and Elle has done such a lot of that for me over this year. I might not be especially expressive or open in the sessions but she has always responded well to my vulnerability splurges in email…of course I often forget all this in the room.
Anyway, the good news is that the emails that Elle and I exchanged over that weekend did a lot to help me feel like maybe the Anita stuff that I have been so scared of taking to her was actually fully accepted and that Elle was on my side. Because Anita also replied and I was left floundering…but Elle was there to help me pick up the pieces a bit before we had our session on the Tuesday and unpicked the whole sorry fucking mess.
Anyway, here’s Anita’s reply after months of radio silence and avoidance. Seems like asking to see her supervisor or colleague was enough to make her do ‘the right thing’:
Hi RB,
Thank you for your email.
A lot has happened over the past 12 months lots of changes and emotional turmoil.
With hindsight we should have done a proper ending at the time, especially with everything being so unstable around me.
But unfortunately, none of us can predict the future and I also understood your feelings at the time and inability to keep coming knowing it was working towards a final end.
I am so pleased you are now seeing someone else to help process everything.
I am wondering if you would like to meet up so I can let you have your things back and for us to say goodbye to our therapy relationship.
Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances I have also had to change my supervisor to someone online in the Shetlands.
So it’s not possible to use my supervisor.
I am also currently moving my case load to online therapy only.
I could possibly ask a colleague but thought I’d ask if you would like us to meet first rather than use a third party.
Please let me know your thoughts.
With very best wishes, love and care,
Anita x
Ummmm so yeah…
My initial response was one of disbelief…for so many reasons.
In some ways it felt like more of the same – look how hard it had been for her this year. The bit about my ‘inability to keep coming knowing it was working to a final end’ feels like the biggest exercise in revisionist history. It’s almost like Anita has forgotten how she was, how she couldn’t breathe, how any time I brought my feelings to the room she shut them down, said she couldn’t handle the stress and would go on again about how hard her life was. We agreed we’d come back after three months to see how she was or end if no better – that wasn’t ideal but it was the best she could manage in that moment and I had to leave because it was HURTING ME… like fuck me, she seems not to care at all about how much what has happened has hurt me.
So, I was a bit angry about that part of the email…and then I had to laugh…
The supervisor bit…
I mean…The Shetlands?
Let’s put it this way, Anita had been working with her old supervisor for YEARS (although how effective her supervisor/supervision has been is up for debate!) in our locality and then for unexpected reasons that has to end and all of a sudden Anita is picking a supervisor who couldn’t be any further away from us in the UK – like it’s literally 800 miles distance. Whilst I’m not suggesting that this new supervisor is a problem, perhaps they are very good, and sure remote sessions these days are absolutely a thing …but, I dunno, it just feels a bit avoidant.
I mean there are soooo many supervisors in our area, Elle for one! (although can you even imagine that scenario?!). I dunno, it just feels like a weird choice to make. Anita can hide online and pretend she’s the ethical therapist she promotes herself as. This one need not know what she has done to her long-term clients. I also get that sometimes you might seek out a supervisor with a particular specialism but given Anita is winding her work down to the bare bones of what therapy is I can’t see that being the case.
Anyway, in some ways it just felt like Anita was going, ‘there’s no way you can see my supervisor because they are in Timbuktu’ – I think, too, the realisation that I might go and see a colleague of hers would put the fear into her and that is the only reason she’s offered to meet.
The sign off ‘love and care’ made me want to cry. Like what love and care? There’s been no fucking love or care this last year.
Anyway, I went to see Elle after all this and thrashed out a few options. I didn’t reply to Anita until after I had seen Elle. Given it’s a very busy time of year for me I replied and told her that I would like to meet but not for a while because I would need to put some serious scaffolding around me to make it ok and that work is so demanding I can’t afford to not function.
That period of busy is now at an end and honestly I feel sick about arranging this meeting. I am in such a terrible place emotionally that I really don’t know what good can come of seeing her. Perhaps it’s just me, and maybe I am now looking to see the worst in Anita, but I don’t feel confident from her email that I would get the end I need. Like it really needs to be a heart-to-heart exercise. I cannot go and have the sort of experience I had with Em. I need Anita to at least meet me in the pain.
Part of me feels like I might just be leading these little ones like lambs to the slaughter. I know how bloody flaky I must sound – to have been practically begging for Anita to engage with me and meet all year, and no she has finally conceded I am running scared. I think in my head I had thought she would opt for the supervisor/colleague handover of stuff and had got my head in a place for that…but now to be faced with seeing her… gosh, I dunno.
What do I do? The longer I put it off the more I feel like I am prolonging the agony for all these young parts. But, equally, knowing I am barely holding it together as it is makes me worry what the fallout of that meeting would be.
So, yeah, it’s a mess.
I feel so desperately sad and alone. I guess, I am now coming face to face with the reality that part of me, deep down, had hoped would never come. How can the woman that held me so tightly, told me she loved me every single session, washed my elephant so that it would smell like her, and read me stories now be a total stranger. It is completely crazy making and I am not at all surprised that my child parts are fucking destroyed.
I’ll come back again and add to this because I am sooooo far behind with the blog, but for now I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on this (although not if it’s to say that I am a delusional weirdo obviously!).
Rubber Bands and Chewing Gum 
HI RB..not a delusional weirdo! Waves from the chocolate ice cream today…
Wow, the difference in tone between the two therapists emails is striking isn’t it? I know that one is natural with words and one isn’t but still. And strikes me more because its very similar to the formal tone of my ex-therapist and the lovely warmth open tone of my new therapist. Cling to that lovely warmth.
I really do feel that to move on and heal now, you need to gather up your big girl underwear and just go and do it. Get your stuff back, either with or without a meeting, and have someone else there, or on standby to meet you afterwards. You’re stuck in a limbo and I think you need this final event like a closure ceremony. If your work is easing a little this might be the time. Just not before your New Therapist goes on holiday….
Think of it as having your appendix out. It’s going to be really sore at first, but no more appendicitis in your future…
just my thoughts…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah this is what I’m leaning towards. Run and jump and try and put a safety net in place to catch me. It’s not going to be good whatever happens as she’s just not in that place or bothered anymore. If she was we wouldn’t be here now. Ugh. Very much could share in ice cream right now. Alas… an evening of lessons awaits. And really hoping no more appendicitis… because honestly I must have a freakish number of appendix in me given my experience so far!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hugs, RB! This must be so difficult! I’m so sorry your so dissociated. xoxo
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you darling. It’s exhausting!! Xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi I don’t usually comment but I think you need to go for closure but don’t hold out for anything more than it’s closure. A probably will not be able to give you the ending you need and that’s on her not you. I’d also plan to see Ellie afterwards so you can get hat support in place.
Such horrendous practice from her!!
LikeLiked by 2 people
This is what I’m leaning towards, too. I don’t think Elle works on a Friday which is the day that Anita has suggested to meet but I suspect we might be able to put a check-in to hold it until the next week if I needed. I know A won’t give me what I need but I need to move past it and get my stuff back. I feel sick. It’s been so upsetting. I just never in a million years thought she’d do this to me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
A lovely reader has emailed me this and allowed me to post anonymously here- I think it will resonate so much with so many of us who’ve walked this path:
I’ve been there, done that with a T (Anita/closure). I’m so, so sorry this is happening for you.
Can I start with how far you’ve come? And how much you’re now holding onto? I share your challenges with knowing and unknowing and remembering and unremembering, and it’s like staring at an object in a murky body of water. It comes in and out of focus with every wave. But then you realise that if you plant your feet really firmly and fix your eyes on a point, you can start to see defining features that make up a whole. It feels like that’s where you are with Anita, the clarity is clearer, the moments of seeing longer.
Reading your post reminded me of a book I dip in and out of when my own brain is able to focus or not, by Frank Andersoin. He talks a lot about therapists having parts, too, because all of us have parts and blah blah. But also, he really seems to get beyond the blah blah, and a lot of his work seems to be around therapists being mindful of their own parts.
My 2 c worth (for me and you) is the Anita you had and the closeness you shared was real. All of it was real. But it was a reality between parts of you and parts of her that could only survive in a hermetically sealed space under very specific conditions. It was so precious, it couldn’t be exposed to weather or light or people poking at it. It was out of place and time for you – but also, maybe for her.
Anita can’t turn up for you the way you need her to because she’s unable to do her job professionally right now. Period. You are not the cause of this you, a symptom.
It was her job to work with your precious young parts and turn up as a consistent, present, adult Anita. It was yours to bring all of you to her.
You did your bit, and did it so, so well. But she couldn’t hold her own centre in this and fragmented into her own ‘bits’ who weren’t capable of adult reasoning and processing and, well – life, really.
And FFS. The Shetlands?!
You’re seeing really clearly, RB. You’re making good decisions for yourself/ves, delaying the meeting until you’re in a more grounded and thoughtful place, rightly viewing her latest missive with the jaundiced view it deserves.
I don’t think the Anita who shared Elephant and the stories will be there for you again, at least, not in real-life. The floaty, mystical sort of sense you have suggests that fragment of the person who purports to be your Anita (but clearly, so isn’t) lives elsewhere.
I’m 17 years on from my own Anita and just woke up this morning to a nightmare about her. She haunts my present therapy relationship, even though it is almost 10 years old – more than three times the length of mine with her. These relationships have a resonance and power that goes on and on, and their hold is so tenacious because they awaken and solidify something that has been long dormant and deeply neglected. They are as seductive as they are terrifying, and the battle we are in to shake them off is no small one.
Personally, I don’t think I’d take the meeting on that basis and try to find a way to keep mourning the loss of having found something that looked like safety, but was just an illusion in the end.
Probably too many words – but I hope something in there makes sense for you. It’s definitely helped me to see some things. (Again?)
LikeLiked by 2 people
I agree, we have heard of several plural professionals who are/were therapists themselves. Some were unaware they were multiple/plural/system and then crashed hard. Became unable to provide good therapy or function.
Some knew and were good therapists until Something Happened.
It’s not you and any of your parts. It’s Anita.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I definitely think we all have parts and Anita certainly got her child parts triggered when her mum got sick. Our relationship was collateral damage. I wish she’d gone back into her own personal therapy to get the containment and holding she needed rather than burning out and doing so much damage.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Definitely horrible how she mismanaged so much towards the end, and done so much harm. Her not being able to even meet with you (until now when her colleagues might find out?!) is appalling.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, you’ll love my latest news when I get to it. Do you think that meeting in a public space for a walk is the appropriate setting for our termination session? No? … well that’s her suggestion. Walk and talk. I can’t even.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Noooo, sounds very inappropriate. I feel like by doing this, she’s trying to control how much you’re allowed to express feelings.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I totally agree x
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know LovingSummer’s T does/did walk and talk but to me, any a major change to the frame of therapy should be discussed.
I once turned off video abruptly in session and my T said that was something to discuss.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think walk and talk would be fine if it wasn’t an end! But it’s not appropriate for this kind of meeting.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes definitely agree. It’s really inappropriate for this 🫂🫂🫂🫂.
It really feels like she can’t own what she did, and like PS said, is only doing this out of guilt.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s not even guilt – it’s fear of exposure. If her friends/colleagues knew what had happened she couldn’t present as the ‘ethical’ therapist she says she is.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You deserve so much better. For all her talk, she can’t own that fear of exposure.
When my therapist was contacted by someone who was abusing me (details not important), my therapist told me that “they can destroy my reputation, but not what I know in my heart.” My therapist protected me, she did not care if her reputation would be dragged through the mud by my abuser’s therapist.
It is deeply sad and really angering that A is only caring about her reputation and definitely not caring about the ongoing harm she’s doing to you. She may treat you like this dirty secret but it’s 1000% not okay. Her choosing to preserve her reputation…
I’ve so many swears about karma and stuff, all we’d say is non stop “fuck A, fuck A, fuck A”.
I can’t find any helpful words. Other than you gave her so much trust and benefit of the doubt, and good lord… she should lose her license, I feel…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh my goodness what a horrible situation you found yourself in but how wonderful that your T was so solid.
You don’t need a license to work in the uk. Most therapists are part of a governing body but they don’t have to be so realistically there’s not much consequence for shit practice.
I love the swears! 😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s similar in our homeland, there’s the governing body, but little consequences indeed.
We’re thinking about how Anita didn’t get her butt into personal therapy, and how you’ve been really reasonable, accommodating and caring while enduring severe distress for so very long. Instead of being accountable, or at least admitting she’s struggling with it, she left you hanging, with “fobb off” messages and silence. While she’s still seeing clients!
It really contradicts so much of the deep work you’ve done with her, and while we hope you & all your parts might forge something healing out of this entire mess, what she has done is utterly horrific. Therapists doing deep work really need to keep their ego in check and face their issues in both supervision, peer consults, personal therapy etc.
Omg seriously, fuck A omg. What the fucking hell, seriously. It’s like she’s a completely different person.
We have a friend who isn’t on WP who had 2 therapists in a row (and there were more before) abruptly dump them because they suddenly felt our friend wanted too much care… out came their resentments, all of which our friend had repeatedly been like “never give anything you’ll regret.”. No accountability etc, including on matters our friend had no idea the therapist was doing.
Wtf is up with therapists doing that? No wonder some folks say fuck therapy.
“Geez, what the fuck, Anita!”
LikeLike
Oooh gosh, RB. It’s a lot. So much so much so much …
I have been MIA on here bc drowning/just well and truly out of words, but have been keeping an eye on your posts and hoping things have been … well … some variation of okay. This is all so hard and heartbreaking to read.
The email you’ve posted here is such a painfully beautiful and articulate expression of what this work is and how deeply it can impact and shape us. I think there’s something really important in acknowledging that your and A’s relationship, all the love and holding and care in it was real, as well as the damage it/she has done. I think … yeah … the ideas around parts of you and parts of her being kind of … incompatible … feel really important. And … the incompatibility is not because of you or any part of you. But rather, some parts of her that loved you, did so from the wrong place … some place that was more about her own needs than yours. My sense is (and of course really I can’t know anything and this is purely speculation based on following your journey here) that she was perhaps trying to rescue you (and maybe by extension, herself) and, what started off as an innocent desire to help/love you, snowballed into an enmeshed, untangle-able mess because she was faced with shit she hadn’t dealt with and, for whatever reason, somehow, you were the mirror. Somewhere in the chaos of it all, your trauma was talking to her trauma. I think, perhaps, what made your connection the precious, special thing it was, ended up being the very thing that made the seams come apart. And ALL of that is on her. It was/is her JOB to KNOW herself and to have done enough work within her own inner world to be clear on her triggers/desires/needs/parts etc. and how that impacted her work with you. She wasn’t. And the damage she has done to you is the collateral damage of that. It doesn’t mean the love wasn’t real. It means she fucked up.
My sense from her emails and what you have shared here is that she has still not gone near/fully processed the truth of her relationship with you and why she was so entangled/unable to face herself/you as it all fell apart. She may never be able to. But … right now … my feeling is that a meeting with her will only throw you back into the mess and chaos and confusion of it all. I know you’re already like … dealing with that regardless … but I think it would rip you open, RB. You can tell from her emails that she simply isn’t … there. Her agreeing to meet with you appears to be from a place of obligation/guilt rather than any genuine interest/awareness around your needs/experience in this. Of course, of course, of course, a million times of course, you want to try … you’re longing for answers … for closure … for holding … for ANYTHING that will make this make sense. I just … don’t think you’re going to get any of it from a meeting with her. I don’t think that there will be any moment that makes letting her go/processing the grief/ending any easier. I completely understand if you decide to try. I think the scaffolding around it is absolutely paramount. If possible, go into it with as little expectation as you can. Maybe have a friend close by/on either side? And Elle ready to go as well …
Sending all love and holding and care and strength to you in this process ❤
Hold on tight x
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh my god- I have been wondering so much where you are and thinking of you….and worrying a bit that maybe you aren’t ok, so it’s so nice to see you here.
And you know what? I think you are really right. I have been thinking about how A and I got to where we were. And I think it’s a few things. We went into lockdown shortly after meeting and she was alone – her daughter bubbled with another person and A’s partner lives away. I am only a couple of years older than her daughter and I genuinely think I filled that hole. A would send me goodnight texts messages almost every day, check in with me during the days and made herself amazingly available to me…and of course me needing a mother just lapped it up. Then of course A’s daughter moved back home after a relationship break up and things began to change a bit – I felt it – but of course her kid was back home to love now wasn’t she? And her daughter suddenly needed her. Then her mother got sick and moved in with her and suddenly the independent Anita suddenly had a shit tonne of mothering responsibilities again – her own kid and her parent… she complained a lot about everyone wanting something from her and then of course her own inner child just couldn’t cope any more. I absolutely was collateral damage. And I agree probably unconsciously A was trying to rescue but for herself just as much as me. Then my need was a mirror to her own need. Noone was there for Anita…however…this is when as a therapist she should have sought additional supervision and gone back into personal therapy. The whole thing has been a fucking disaster. I don’t know what I’ll do tbh. The idea of meeting outside to say goodbye is just not right to me. It’s not containing. It’s just a complete joke. Elle has already said that should I choose to meet Anita that she would want to see me the same day or the day after…so that at least is something. I hope you’ll catch us all up soon. I miss your wisdom and honesty xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ohh, that’s really sweet RB, thank you for the thoughts. It’s been a pretty intense few months with lots of not-okayness, but my sense is, as of very recently, it’s been the precursor to a pretty significant transformation/shift. I am up and down, but somewhere in it, there’s some kind of solidity that wasn’t there before. I’m not sure the immensity of the process can be contained to a blog post, so I don’t know even if I’ll be able to write about it, but I’ll try ❤ ❤
I think you've hit the nail on the head re: things with A / her daughter / your place-holding in that. I remember clocking something like that from a post you wrote ages ago, where you said you'd met her daughter accidentally and that there were some pretty significant similarities between you and her. I thought then there was absolutely no doubt that had impacted A's way of being with you. The goodnight messages etc. are just … god … it's really, really heartbreakingly problematic … because OF COURSE you lapped it up. You've been desperate for and in need of a mother your entire life … and she showed up saying she would/could be that for you. It wasn't your job to notice that something was off there. It was hers. She didn't do it. (ALSO! … sometimes I wonder how much her lack of boundaries may have intensified your protectors/push and pull parts etc. You know like … above everything children NEED boundaries to know they are SAFE. They are terrified without them and 'act out' accordingly. Idk. Maybe like … your alarm bells were going off so loudly for a reason. When you talk about your fears etc. around the relationship with Elle, there's a really different like … feeling/tone to it. It's like, even with all the damage and terror and activation, there's a sense of … steadiness/solidity around her that was never present w A.) …
I Absolutely agree that your need mirrored hers … and that the moment it started unravelling she should have immersed herself in her own therapy/supervision/etc. I think as well … like … it sounds so simple in some ways … but if she'd just been able to be honest with herself/you about this process … you may have been able to find a way to work through it. Not that it would have been easy at all … and it never would have been the same … both of you would have had to grieve the specialness and what that represented … but you would have done it TOGETHER … and come out the other side with some kind of solid ground to stand on. (TBH this could also just be a projectionnnnnnnn on my part bc this is kind of what's happened/happening with M; long story short, missing lots of context sorry lol, but she actually said to me 'can you love me like a mother?' and I clocked that as seriously fucking concerning despite how desperately some parts of me wanted exactly that. I challenged her on it and we have since been re-defining the whole shape of our relationship. There's been huge elements of loss and grief … like a shattering of the fantasy that someone can/will come to save me … it's been … desperately lonely … but there's also been a strengthening of the self that is difficult to deny …. ANYWAY …. not to make it about me uuuugh. but … I guess … maybe take this as some kind of hope, if possible 😦
If you do meet w her, I hope you can do it from a place of your strength and knowing and clarity in yourself. There will be soooo much activated, of course. I think … if there’s any part of you left hanging on to hope that the meeting will somehow bring her back … well … I guess just prepare for that in as many ways as you can …
This has been a fucking essay of a comment lol sorry. Probably way too much to digest. Manic fingers. ITS A REALLY LONG WAY OF SAYING I HEAR YOU AND SEE YOU.
Sending love and strength for the process, whatever shape it takes ❤
LikeLiked by 2 people
Sending you care, PS. It’s good to “see” you here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks SH ❤
Hope you are travelling somewhat gently and okay out there x
LikeLiked by 2 people
It sounds like you are right in the thick of the big stuff but also like you are making huge steps forward…it’s exhausting isn’t it? Like wow – big huge energy to do this work. and like being on a massive rollercoaster.
Yep to absolutely all that you’ve said. The further I get away from the relationship with A the more I see that so much of this mess has nothing really to do with me and so much about how avoidant and blinkered A is about her family relationships and her lack of boundaries in all areas of her life. I totally got caught in the crossfire…which is devastating and I think have become the symbol for all the problems – which is not right, but it’s easy to pretend that your burnout is a client issue and not your complete inability to say no to people taking the piss.
I can see nothing good coming from a meeting now. I know the only reason she’s agreed to meet is because my email has made her realise that what’s happened may become known to others. She’s not doing it because she cares about me, wants to do right by me, or anything in the least bit that has me at the centre. She’s completely checked out.
Sending you so much love and care and a bar of chocolate and snacks for the ongoing journey through the wilderness!
xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
We have a lot of (rather incoherent) swearing saved up for Anita but first, big hugs to you if wanted ❤️❤️❤️❤️.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you darling. Hugs very much appreciated. I’m on my knees. 🥹
LikeLiked by 1 person
🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂
LikeLiked by 1 person
💜💜💜💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
I shouldn’t be surprised by now, I really, really should expect the unexpected with A, but good grief my jaw has hit the floor at that response from her. After the months and months of waiting and you asking so gently yet clearly… She’s landed you with that?!
Thank god for Elle.
Bit of a out there thought, but could Elle be with you? Or be on the end of the phone for after to help contain, because its looking virtually impossible for Anita to meet any of this process with the emotional holding it deserves.
Oh, and another vote in the absolutely not a delusional weirdo voting box. Just a person who has been further traumatised by unethical therapy 😢
LikeLiked by 2 people
Awww thank you darling. I saw Elle today as I was at Pink yesterday 🩷 so it has given me some time to process the latest ‘walk and talk’ suggestion in real time. Elle has said she definitely want to see me the day after or ideally the same day if I do go meet Anita. Ugh.. honestly… it’s all a mess!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Walk and talk…what an earth. Who in their right mind, let alone a therapist supposedly able to work at relational depth, thinks that is an appropriate venue for this absolutely devastating process. Cue every expletive going.
Well done Elle, please remember to take it, let her help 💜 xx
LikeLiked by 2 people
It’s a fucking joke isn’t it? Like imagine how awful it’s going to be anyway and then be out in the open where people might be?? How on earth do I have the kind of conversation I need in that environment? I feel just utterly been. Like I’m fighting really hard for crumbs of care. Tbh I’m tempted just to tell her to post my stuff back at this point. I can’t see how anything remotely positive would come from an outdoor meet… and the weather isn’t a given!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Wow RBCG, everyone else has spoken so wisely it has been an honour to read it all! I’m impressed; every single person should be a therapist (seriously!).
But as for Anita. She’s way off the mark with her suggestion so it worries me she wouldn’t be capable of providing what you need from closure. I’m still the kind of person that would probably go, but I’m wondering if you had your stuff shipped back for now and approached Anita for the ending when YOU are ready, not her. She is, after all, meant to be the trained therapist.
I agree with everything that had been said before me: that Anita so much wanted to serve you but in doing so was serving herself, and you naturally drank it all up as anyone would. For what it’s worth, I suspect things would have eventually changed even if the daughter hadn’t returned and mother got sick.
I am smiling as I read the responses you’ve been given here. This is the old WP, where strangers dip in and out of each other lives in the most meaningful way, so much so that it trumps real life sometimes, and I’ve really missed that community so much. I wish I could get blogging again like I used to, both reading and writing. T keeps trying to persuade me to, but I need to hide from the ex who found a way to locate my new blog and expose that too, just like everything else. So the busyness of life and lack of knowledge with how to protect myself from the ex, keeps me away. But I’m so glad I came here to read this and see that people have come around you and brought so much heartfelt understanding and support. I’ve been sitting in your saucer! I hope you are okay and I think of you and so many of the ‘oldies’ (maybe I should say ‘originals’?!) and hoping everyone is going okay in their lives.
Whatever you do with Anita, you’ll find the RBCG way to manage it. With Elle by your side and the WP community, I think you’ll be alright whatever you choose to do. ❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hugs LS! God, I so wish blogging with detail felt safe again. The feeling of “will this unsafe person find my blog?” is awful. I hate how it hinders me from writin.
Even though me not remembering sessions is a big problem, maybe I could write about how I feel about it…! But then “what if This or That Person find my blog…?”
I honestly cherish so many people here, new and old alike.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hope you can write freely someday soon too. We are all here on your team xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
OH LS! Soooooo lovely to hear from you. And yes, this post feels so much like the old days doesn’t it? It’s weird – I often wonder what has happened to the old crew but I hope that they have moved on and through their stuff and are happy.
I am so sorry to hear that your ex has been up to his usual tricks again. All I can say is I am sorry, but also it must in some way feel validating as he is completely showing his true colours. I can’t easily see your blog these days as it doesn’t view on my phone. It would be so good if you could find a way round the crap but I also totally get that nowhere must feel safe and it’s such an utter invasion of your privacy having that … man…essentially stalk all your movement online. I wonder if you could set up an email blog that isn’t publish externally but you mailed out to known people? Like a newsletter.
Sending you lots of love and care, and always, thank you for being one of my cheerleaders- it really helps to know that people get it and stand alongside me on this ‘journey’. xx
LikeLiked by 1 person