Rubber Bands and Chewing Gum

They say procrastination is a trauma response and if the lack of being able to write this blog is anything to go by then, yep…! I mean I agree with that statement anyway – I am the queen of avoidance and procrastination and it definitely stems from trauma, a fear of failure, the list goes on…

I have been meaning/wanting to write for ages but every time I think about actually typing what’s been going on I recoil and find something else to do, or do nothing – actually that’s a lot more accurate! – so much time mindlessly scrolling through social media to distract! If I do make it as far as grabbing the lap top I turn it on and just have it sat next to me open and can’t type. There’s a part of me that wants to process and share what’s happening but there’s another part that feels, I dunno, perhaps that if I write it makes it all the more real? And I don’t especially want the last couple of months to be real.

In addition to this, I feel almost like I can’t formulate my thoughts in a logical, readable way and I aware that so many weeks have gone by, and so much has happened, that it’ll come out in a non-sensical mess. I don’t really know why that bothers me – perfectionist streak maybe? Not wanting to be judged by others? I know I used to write so much ‘better’ than I do now. These days it’s about whacking it on the page when I can, whereas before I think I actually crafted stuff before and had stuff to say that was a bit more interesting. Maybe no one else notices and I am just critical of myself, but it is something I am aware of, and I feel like maybe this blog, like my therapy, is in its death throes.

Since my last post where I listed all the random ball dropping that Anita seemed to be doing i.e not holding the frame very well: dogs barking, people wandering around outside, wet hair/not seeming ready, forgetting to put the books out, and of course forgetting to call me before my holiday things got much worse. I guess you could say all the things I have been noticing have really been symptoms of a much larger problem and it was only a matter of time until the bomb went off. However, if I am the Queen of Avoidance I am beginning to see that Anita, in certain aspects of her life, is the High Priestess!

The last year or so has been up and down. We’ve navigated our way through whatever’s come but, frequently, I have felt like what’s been happening is not necessarily ‘my stuff’. Of course, ‘my stuff’ gets triggered in relation to Anita, that’s the nature of what we are working on…but the rupture we had (in err, was it November??) where she said something about me being ‘too dependent’ (which she later swore blind she hadn’t said) felt really off. I felt (and knew) already that her personal life was difficult from a previous ‘honesty session/rupture’ but it seemed now that she was funnelling her frustrations into me and my therapy. It’s easier to feel that a client is too needy than admit her kids, parent, and all the other people that place endless demands on her are causing her to sink. Clients can be moved on and let go, family …less so!

Anyway, therapy this last year has been, I dunno… not especially therapeutic maybe? I mean, on a level it is, because regularly seeing Anita does a lot for the parts of me that fears people disappearing out of nowhere. There are parts of me that feel that after three years we can ride out whatever comes up between us and there is enough of a sense of safety in the relationship to allow me to get on and do what I need to do in my life and in my healing without the need for her to be there 100% of the time. There is an invisible string at work.

So much of the progress I have made with my mental health has happened as a result of the relationship with Anita but the work doesn’t just happen in the room. However the security that is built in the room and the safety that I feel in the relationship and in myself now means that I have been able to do so much better out of it. And of course there have been plenty of really connected sessions over the course of the year. So it’s not all bad. Far from it!

I think the early days of the therapy were really intense with Anita. I had just come out of the HORRIFIC termination with Em and there was a lot of massive stuff coming up and out then. The therapy felt really huge and helpful. Tbh it was pretty life-saving. I was so broken by what happened with Em that Anita saw me warts and all from the beginning. Anita’s approach was so different to Em’s and it felt so nurturing and holding and basically a massive fucking contrast to what I was used to.

It felt like I was having an enormous corrective experience from the get-go with Anita and she didn’t even know me. The compassion and care just came out of Anita is endless waves. I couldn’t not take it in even if a lot of it bounced off – enough of it was able to trickle down through the cracks and soothe the hurt places. The best thing about seeing Anita in the early days is there was no guess work involved for the young parts. Anita said exactly what she thought- and felt- and saw and it was so unbelievably refreshing. She didn’t hide her emotions from me, nor was she afraid to tell me how she felt about me. It wasn’t ‘love’ at that point but I was someone who was lovable and worthy of her time and care.

Then the pandemic hit a couple of months in, and we moved online for all those looooonnnnggggg months which meant there was a lot of time to get to know Anita without the room dynamic. She got a lot of my back story and bit by bit parts of me started to trust her. And then of course the attachment stuff went live (!!!) about six months in, but magically I was able to tell her (!) and it was completely accepted, welcomed even. The return to the room was unreal for the relationship and  so so healing. The first session back saw our first hug. I’d spent years sitting across from Em dying inside because I felt so unlovable and untouchable and here was A opening her arms to me and pulling me into a proper, deep squeeze.

That, first, barely twenty second hug at the end of that session will stay with me forever. I felt like years of trauma was being released. The biggest thing was that she didn’t let go. It was me that pulled away and it has continued to be that way always – she never lets me go. Then of course actual massive holding happened in the sessions and this led to the me and the young parts being able to tell her I loved her in words to her face and having that reciprocated.

I mean ALL of that was massive and did such a lot to help heal the wounded young parts of me. Then there’s the heart necklace she gave me…

all the gifts over the years…the texts, check ins… there’s just been such a lot of ground work that’s been put into the relationship. The healed ruptures have been instrumental in my growth, too. It’s been far from easy at times (embarrassing as hell but never shaming) but Anita has been there rock solid throughout. I could go on and on but most of you have been here a long time and have been alongside me for the journey, so you know.

And…being realistic about things, my therapy – even now, despite all the changes – is still what a lot of people dream of. The level of intimacy there is in the relationship is … huge. And so no matter what happens I am just eternally grateful for what I’ve had, and what the relationship has allowed in terms of healing. When I think about what it would be like to not have A and start again I literally can’t imagine doing it. I don’t want to be without her. I don’t want to build another therapeutic relationship. I also know that no matter how good the next person would be I would probably negatively compare back to A because what we have/had has been more than I imagined possible and has held me through some massive emotional stuff. I can’t imagine anyone else doing the work A has with the young, traumatised parts.

I mean, perhaps now I wouldn’t need or look to another therapist to do the things Anita has done for me, because to an extent I don’t look to Anita in the same way for those things anymore, either. Our relationship is different now, or I am… we both are. I have deeper roots and am more able to withstand storms and there is a level of trust and knowledge of her care and love that means I bounce back quicker when things go wrong.

The intensity of the young part/s to need to be endlessly connected to Anita isn’t there in the same way now because we’ve moved through that stage a bit (!). Of course, that part still wants to be close and the cuddles and stories in sessions are really important – but what’s different is the need for holding ‘all the time’ (because that’s how it used to feel) or the hanging on desperately for sessions because the need to be connected and attached in a tangible physical sense was so intense and the time between felt painful. It’s not like that now.

I am not triggered out my brain when she doesn’t respond to a text whereas there have been times when I have gone belly up in the early days (you’ve seen the posts, so you know! Cringe!) and whilst I miss her sometimes I don’t feel like my life is revolving around those couple of hours a week. It’s taken a long time and a lot of work, but it is possible to move through this stuff. I don’t think I could ever go back to needing her like I did.

I want her in my life, and I want to continue on with the work (if possible) but I don’t think my world would fall apart if I go in on Monday and we have to end. I’d be gutted. Of course, I would. But I also feel like the work we have done so far has been game-changing for me. When we started the work, I needed her to keep me from drowning because I was sinking under the water. Whereas now I can swim doggy paddle. I’d like to think with more work I’ll be capable of butterfly, but I know that if she goes now that I won’t drown. And that’s huge. That’s a massive gift. Her love and care has been internalised enough so that I can actually live well.

I can really see how far I have come and how much work has been done on the various parts of me that were so wounded where previously the slightest misstep (perceived or real) on A’s part felt like vinegar being poured straight into the open ulcerated (mother) wound. That’s not so much the case now. Case in point is when she didn’t call me in February before my holiday. That would have been absolutely unsurvivable for parts of me a couple of years ago, but now, it hurt some parts but not enough for me to have a complete breakdown about it.

It didn’t completely derail me and the therapy altogether. I wasn’t caught circling the drain of being unlovable and unimportant. I didn’t spend months and months silently brooding in pain about it. That’s not to say there was no reaction – there absolutely was but it was just part of the story. I (and the parts) reacted to Anita’s poor handling of it at the time but then, I think most importantly is that I was able to bring it to Anita and tell her exactly how I felt the next session with adult telling the story and thank goodness I was able to be adult because that was fucking fateful session…

Yikes…

Soooo….here we go!!! … y’all ready?! Deep breaths.

What I hadn’t banked on that next session after my walking out, coming back to repair, and having a cuddle, was Anita hitting burnout and breakdown. Like I’d sensed she wasn’t ok – well more than sensed it, I felt it – but at the end of February it came out properly in that session. It was a session that was not therapy but was at least honest and allowed me to know what was happening. In some ways it was good to finally hear the truth. It made me feel less mental, actually. But crikey it was once of those situations we all dread. I spent a lot of time fearing being ‘too much’ in therapy but I hadn’t really ever banked on my therapist falling apart. FFS!

Sometimes I think it’s possible to join dots in the wrong ways and get in a muddle in therapy. It’s a tendency of mine to feel like something is off and then look for reasons that it could be my fault. What is it that I am doing wrong? Why does Anita feel distant/far away? It must be because her feelings towards me have changed or are negative and it sets the young parts off in a panic. I mean it’s more complex than that but that’s a simplified version of what can happen. Only it wasn’t me. It isn’t me…not this time (mind you was it me with Em, either?!). Unfortunately, it doesn’t change the situation though – because even though what’s happening is nothing to do with me, it’s my therapy, and my relationship that is teetering on the edge of the abyss.

I can’t tell you how many times over the last few months I have said to Anita that she’s changed or that I have felt that she’s not there. My antennas are so honed and are perpetually scanning for threat of abandonment that I pick up on the tiniest thing. Anita has acknowledged that this both a superpower and a burden for me at times but knows that she can’t hide from me because I see stuff before she even does. Thanks trauma!

She’s sworn blind this last year that nothing has changed and that everything is ok, even so far as saying “I am not in the place I was last year” at one point (EYE ROLL!). And I suppose on a level that’s correct in so far as her feelings towards me haven’t changed but she has changed. Her capacity has changed, and she is on her edge and no she is not where she was last year…in fact it’s much much worse than she was last year – she’s so overwhelmed she said that sometimes she can’t see a way out of her situation.

To be fair, I think when we’re in an impossible situation our minds hide the extent of how bad it is from us…or at least I think this is what’s happened with A. But as I said, none of this fucking helps me, or my therapy which has hit the skids as a result.

Anyway, I’ll try and condense this as it’s just a long drawn-out pile of shit to be honest with you. I had thought of typing the transcript of the bomb drop session but I am not sure there is anything to be gained by it. I might post it separately another time.

Basically, what happened was that I arrived and quickly felt a bit sick and unsettled but I couldn’t locate any reason for it in me. I told Anita I felt off and she said, “I wonder if you are picking up on my being overwhelmed?” This set alarm bells ringing but also another part was like, “Phew I am not going mad, after all!”

Anita told me she was really struggling to the extent that she was wondering whether she might have to take a break from work altogether. She said she was having extra supervision but didn’t know how things were going to pan out. She told me she’d cut her client load down significantly and hadn’t taken on any trauma clients in over a year…  she was on the verge of tears and I took her hand and held it for the duration of the session. Inside part of me was panicking at what this might mean for me and another part was ok. Thankfully, there is that part now that feels strong enough to withstand the thing I have always feared most – being left.

The session was hard. A was not in a good place at all but we spoke a lot. At one point I asked her whether she wanted me to leave (as in end the therapy). She emphatically said no, that wasn’t what she wanted. And I believe her when she says that’s not what she wants at all…but that she also said doesn’t want the therapy to be detrimental to me and she has to be in a good enough place to hold the work and she wasn’t sure that she was.

Anyway, it was a weird session because on a level it wasn’t about me at all, but on the other hand it allowed me to see exactly how things were and see that my anxiety was 1) founded and 2) I was not nuts. It was heartfelt and gut-wrenching session. There was talk about the love and the care and how none of that stuff has changed at all between us. What’s happening for A is nothing about our relationship (but our relationship may end up being collateral damage). It’s everything to do with her own life. And that fucking sucks balls, but at the same time there’s a part of me that can accept that life is a bloody rollercoaster sometimes and we can’t predict the future.

By all accounts A has tried really hard to protect me and my therapy through her life collapsing around her ears. I haven’t been let go and she has tried really hard to be there as much as she can be. She told me she is committed to me and to being there, but she is also aware that that may not be enough for me. Over the last few weeks, we keep coming back round to the same thing, and it’s her saying that she doesn’t think what she offers is enough because it’s so much less than she used to give. It’s interesting. Of course, I miss what we’ve had but at the same time we are not in the same place that we used to be.

I told her that I feel like a lot of this is her stuff and not coming from me – i.e it’s her guilt perhaps about knowing she isn’t how she was rather than me having a meltdown about it in the here and now. I think she wants to be able to give more, perhaps feels I deserve more, and feels like she’s failing me or causing me harm because she can’t give it. As I say I might at some point write up part of that session because it was HEAVY and REAL but we’ll see. Time keeps marching on and as I said at the beginning I’m not finding it very easy to write.

Don’t get me wrong – I (and the parts) did fully have a meltdown starting in Feb 2022 for a fucking really long time about ‘everything’ being taken away and the feeling of her stepping back – but I am not there in the same way now but I can imagine that A is very aware of how much I have struggled. Sometimes stuff gets triggered – of course it does. When I am wobbling I long for the old Anita who I could reach out to and who would reply almost immediately, offer an extra session, or a longer session – but at the same time, I know that I can be ok without all that I had before because what I have got is still valuable and I have moved a long way since the time when that need was really there.

As I have said what I still have is what a lot of people wish for: the outside contact (never had a shaming boundary talk about that with Anita – unlike with Em), Anita and I still have regular contact, she sends me Gifs and replies to my messages, the physical touch and holding, the stories for the young parts, transitional objects, washing my elephant, the safe enough space to express my feelings – I can’t tell you how big a deal it is to be able to say “I love you” most sessions and to have it responded to with the same, and the gifts (despite being mired in shit she still remembered my birthday the other week and bought me some really lovely presents)…

I mean there’s loads of stuff that is so much more than your average therapy and so it’s about taking a reality check – it’s still more than I could ever have hoped for when I was with Em.

So, although I haven’t spoken in detail about that session what I can say is it wasn’t easy and left me feeling a bit unsure of the best course of action. Anita and I agreed that neither of us wanted to the therapy to end but that we had to keep checking in with where things were at. It turns out that is easier said than done! I took False Adult to quite a few sessions and talked about stuff like work rather than us or where things were going… which was a mistake. I think I was trying to be the ‘easy’ client and not give Anita any reason to feel stressed by me so she wouldn’t pull the plug on us. I recognise that this is a well-worn pattern – autopilot if you like. I have spent so many years of my life in hiding that I don’t think I always recognise when it’s happening…until there’s a kick back from other parts. Which is what happened.

A few weeks after the session where it felt like things might end, I had worked myself up to a state of high anxiety. Basically, I’d kept the young parts out the room altogether, hadn’t hugged Anita at all (although she had offered hugs), and felt really far away. The first ten minutes of the session were small talk and then I told A that I was having nightmares and struggling with sleep. The conversation meandered a bit and then A asked, “Are you feeling anxious?” I nodded. Part of me felt relieved that she’d ‘seen’ me and what was going on because I had been masking so well. I felt like I needed to be able to let out my fears and just be held and give space to those little parts who were feeling scared. Of course, this is what Anita would have done previously when she was fully functional…but that isn’t who I have right now.

Instead, the other shoe dropped. It’s what I had been panicking about and why I had kept False Adult front and centre. Anita continued, “Are you anxious about us?” Again, I nodded. “Wondering if I have got the capacity?” Another nod. Then came the sucker punch. “Yeah, I’ve been wondering about that too.” I felt my stomach fall through the floor. “And I think the saddest thing is my situation is going to get worse, not better” …

Silence.

“I’m wondering if it’s – and as much as I don’t want to and you don’t want to – I’m wondering if it’s time to start looking around for someone else who has got the capacity – and I really I don’t want to say that –   I really don’t but I think you are feeling the same aren’t you?…what are you feeling?”

I was feeling sick. This couldn’t really be it could it?

I replied, “I feel like I am watching a car crash in slow motion.” Anita looked really sad and then simply said, “Yeah, I get that.”

Then she said, “Can I give you a hug?”

I was a bit blown away tbh. Teen sullenly replied, “What’s the point?” I mean wtf was going on here? Was she ending the therapy or what?

Anita was on the verge of tears at this point and with so much feeling in her voice said, “It’s not what either of us want. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It really doesn’t…this isn’t what I want. Do you believe me?”

The adult that had been available to me in the last session was not there in the same way this time. I felt like I had been upended and went into myself to protect myself, but I stayed as present as I could because despite how fucking scary it felt there was still a part of me that felt like it might be ok. Maybe I was delusional?! But it allowed me to stay and to listen and to try and make sense of what was going on.

Anita and I battled on through the session. It was heart to heart stuff. There were tears. I mean it was fucking hideous but at the same time it was absolute stripped back, honest, and real – and because of that…connecting. I explained what I thought was going on about her feeling like she’s not giving enough, and she agreed that she was really struggling with feeling like she wasn’t giving like she used to. I said that lots of that was her not me. Time was up and I left feeling exhausted.

I sent Anita a message after the session:

If it was down to me, you know I would never let you go because I can’t imagine my world without you in it. But I get it’s not my choice and I don’t want to be the thing that pushes you over the edge because I love you way too much for that. I’ve clearly not got it right lately. I’ve been hiding to try and give you space. That’s what’s unsettled me. I haven’t wanted to talk or fill space at all with general life irritations. I’ve just wanted to be close to you – to cuddle and ride it out quietly. But I have kept away because I don’t want to break you and haven’t known what’s ok, or if you even want me to be there. It’s the distance in the room that panics me. I know it’s of my own making. You have asked me if I have wanted hugs. I just want you to be ok.

We kept in touch back and forth that week with short messages and gifs and it’s felt ok. Anita has been poorly and so I’ve been keeping my distance because she has been really breathless with asthma and a chest infection. It’s not been easy for the young parts because I really want to cuddle and be close and reconnect after all that’s been going on but don’t want to put any additional pressure on A when she’s not well. Having me stuck on her when she can’t breathe wouldn’t help would it?!

Then it was the bank-holiday weekend and a break (yuck!) and so we did Tuesday instead and a bit of a bumpy re-entry. I wasn’t feeling great, and I kept her at arm’s length which is pretty usual territory round breaks. She’d asked if I wanted a cuddle early on, but the protectors were having none of it. Some things never change! GROAN!

However, I’d got over myself a bit over the course of the week and on Friday she asked me again if I wanted a hug at the beginning of the session. There was no internal resistance at all, and I shuffled across the couch and we spent the entire hour cuddling. I said only three words in the entire time, “I love you”. Anita replied, “I love you too” and held me even more tightly.

A few times over the session she asked me what was going on for me or if there was anything I wanted to say… but I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t say anything. I just cuddled her tighter, listened to her heartbeat and allowed my system to take her in and relax. At the end she said it felt like we had had a really grounding session where we had reconnected after a long time…and sometimes we don’t need words. And, she’s right. That hour was so needed after the last couple of months.

I know that is really long-winded and probably doesn’t make a lot of sense. I’ll try and keep up with this a bit better going forward! So really I don’t know what’s going on. Maybe we’ll make it through this, maybe we won’t. However, if it does end it won’t be for the lack of love.

I hope you are all ok. Take good care. xx