So, it’s been another while since I have posted again… This is mainly because life is so unbelievably busy that I simply haven’t had time to sit and write – but it’s also because really I haven’t found my feet back in therapy since the Christmas break (yes – I know it’s almost March!). It’s felt like there’s been a catalogue of ‘mini-disasters’ in the room with Anita since the holidays which has made it feel difficult to drop into feeling completely safe – or at least safe enough to address some of the lingering murk that always rears its head in the early part of the year – namely the catastrophic end that Em and I went through three years ago … THREE YEARS AGO!!
Because that stuff around Em (and by extension the mother wound) is so huge, and so painful, I have to feel so completely contained and safe in the relationship with Anita to be able to go anywhere near it….and I just haven’t. Parts of me have gone into hiding and it’s not helped things in the room at all. I mean it’s been ok, but just not ok enough for me to get to the parts that are requiring attention and care…and because time is rolling on and those parts are not getting what they need, it’s making it feel crappy inside. I feel abandoned and rejected – and part of that is my doing because I haven’t let Anita in, she doesn’t know what’s going on.
My system is having a bit of a malfunction and it feels really disappointing to be in this place tbh. I am trying not to judge myself and just accept that whatever is coming up is just part of what needs to happen right now – but I can’t lie, I am not enjoying the levels of upset and dissociation that has crept back in. I know that I need to find a way to get properly back to A this coming week because I can feel myself starting to fall down a hole that I haven’t been in for a long while and I know that if I don’t send out an SOS cry then I am going to be…well…I just can’t go there again. I feel really lost. And the young parts – particularly the teen is not ok.
I tend not to write mid ‘crap’ on the blog these days. I prefer to write and process things a bit after whatever was going on has run its course and things have resolved a bit…basically when things feel a bit more together. I want to reflect from my Adult self rather than post in a triggered state – but the rate things are going it could be 2024 before I am able to do that so I guess I’ll just do a quick catch up before this blog dies altogether. I know I keep saying this, but I think I need to carve out some time somewhere for me to be able to write – even if it’s not blogging- because it has been such a helpful tool over the years…I just don’t know where that time will come from!
Anyway, here goes…
It’s clear as day to me that I am swimming (drowning) in the shit infested emotional seas right now. I feel like I am lost. And where in the past I’ve used the analogy of Stevie Smith’s poem, ‘Not Waving But Drowning’ – where people on the shore mistake the drowning swimmer for someone who is waving at them so they don’t respond. However, right now I feel like I am not even trying to get noticed – I couldn’t be mistaken for waving because I’ve almost resigned myself to drowning. Well not that, exactly, but I am not sending up the signal to show that I am not ok because the fact is there is no one standing on the beach watching. There is no one to notice the distress to come and help. There is no one to save me, and so I am trying hard to muster the energy to save myself but it’s not easy when you’re exhausted.
We’ve all been here.
We know we need to do better but sometimes all you can do is just keep treading water until things ease off…but it’s hard. Fortunately, I am a strong swimmer and I have been in choppy waters and rip currents enough to know that the sea will calm and I will find my way out of it…eventually.
I seem to be triggered left, right, and centre- and just as I feel like I am getting my head above water I get hit with something else. I really don’t think perimenopause is helping with this– and that’s not me playing the crazy hormones card, but honestly I am finding that my emotions are very heightened alongside my cycle now. I feel so bonkers around ovulation, and even paranoid at times – so, I am sure that’s an exacerbating factor in all this, too. Unfortunately, there’s not a great deal I can do about that other than up the self-care, be mindful, and take the supplements, eat better, and try and get the sleep in. Ah sleep…that elusive balm. Again, I am sure this is perimenopause. ARGH!!
Anyway, I am struggling a bit and the reality is, the anniversary of mine and Em’s end really hit me hard this year. I don’t know why – you’d think the further I get away from that the easier it would be, but sadly, “like a tick” is stuck deep in my young parts’ psyche and whilst Adult me knows what she said was completely out of order, as we well know, a hurt young part holds onto these negative soundbites like a security blanket confirming why we are unworthy of love and care.
Christmas was especially hard this year, too, when my mum failed to acknowledge me, my wife, or my children. And whilst our relationship is patchy at best these days, it felt like a deliberate and calculated kick in the teeth – a punishment for I have no idea what…?
Let’s be clear – I am in therapy because of my mother wound and whilst events in the here and now aren’t the end of the world (and they really aren’t) what these rejections or abandonments tap into is all the pain I experienced as a child and it seems to pour petrol on the fire. And that’s when it all goes wrong!
So, my mum not really engaging with me anymore is what it is – no worries – I have a wonderful little family unit and we are happy as we are – but to the little parts that are so hurt it just twists the knife again into that wound…and of course that then plays out in my therapy with Anita as I search and scan for evidence that she, too, doesn’t really care and would rather not be around me. And of course, breaks do this. Again, breaks are just breaks to Adult me…but breaks to the young parts…well, it’s not great is it?! #therapybreakhell
I think sometimes as an adult you can really sometimes doubt your childhood experience and wonder if you are just stuck and locked in victim mode and perhaps it wasn’t really that bad. I mean, seriously, I am getting really bored of navigating this emotional territory over and over but I am not doing it on purpose! I am not choosing to be here. I am trying hard to heal this stuff so I don’t keep falling flat on my face…and it’s working…I think. But some weeks are better than others. Today just happens to be part of one of the bad weeks but there have been months of much much better weeks.
Adult is gaining power, but the young parts are obviously still very much part of the system and I think will continue to be. I don’t see the goal as ‘getting rid’ of those younger parts – they are there to give me information about my feelings and need listening to – and dare I say it, are welcome…even the critic! The more I can give them space whilst being able to keep a foot in adult the better.
The biggest difference that I feel now is that where previously the young parts could completely steam roller me and almost take Adult hostage (kind of how it feels this weekend), there is a move towards Adult being able to communicate with those small parts and hold and soothe them to a degree. I mean obviously I am not the preferred Adult/parent but this is a million miles further forward from when I was working with Em. Back then I could see and feel these distressed young parts but I could do absolutely nothing to help them. Because of the work I’ve done with Anita I know what it is to feel held, loved, cared for and can now copy that, sort of.
Anyway, back to actual therapy:
The first session back after the break was 9th of January…which felt like an eternity after Christmas. So, it had been a looooooooong break – not ideal. My mum had been shit – again, not ideal. It was knee deep into the anniversary period of the notoriously bad time when Em and I colossally collapsed – not ideal…and so, yeah, I was very fragile, sensitive, and hypervigilant heading back to A… I was desperate to see her. I mean the little ones were absolutely in need of hugs and stories and reassurance that everything was ok.
It’s been such a long time since those early sessions that I can’t even really remember the details of what happened and I can’t be arsed to go back and listen to see what happened. What I can tell you is that there have been a few hiccups that have meant I haven’t been able to quite settle into the therapy. You’ll laugh when you read this, because I think on their own these things perhaps aren’t a big deal – but cumulatively they’ve felt big enough to stop me doing the work I really need to do. It’s felt like the safe container is a bit of a leaky bucket and so I’ve been waiting, poised in false adult a lot of the time waiting for ‘safe Anita’ to be there consistently.
Tbh I can’t quite remember the chronology of the little things that happened with Anita but I know the first session back she opened the door and her hair was still wet. “Big deal” I hear you say, but what that signalled to me was that she wasn’t quite ready for me, had been rushing, and probably wasn’t in the zone. Perhaps she was not wanting to be back to work and would not on her A game. I know that’s a lot of projection but that’s what we do isn’t it? When we feel vulnerable and uncontained, we really badly need our container (person and space) to be robust and any hint that they may not be sends things off.
The next session her dogs barked loudly for almost the entire session and I just couldn’t relax at all. I was jumpy and stressed out. I’d needed to talk the first session back but it was just filler and False Adult and now it felt like she wasn’t providing a safe, calm therapeutic space. I felt angry that day. I had stuff I really needed to dig into and I was left feeling like she didn’t really care enough to make sure the space was ‘therapeutic’.
In another one I could hear her adult daughter wandering around in the corridor right out outside the room which again made me not be able to relax (I think this is the one that pissed me off the most!).
In another she’d forgotten to put our stories out, which again signalled that she wasn’t really ready – or more over, didn’t have the young parts and me kept in mind. She forgot the books once before a long while back and I went belly up about it. It was a big rupture. This time I didn’t say anything – teen me was just thinking “what’s the point?” because we were traversing this weird not quite right space and quite frankly, I didn’t have the energy for it. But of course, the little parts were upset and disappointed.
In and of themselves these things above don’t seem like that big a deal but as I have said, cumulatively I just felt so off – such a departure from the Anita I used to see. So, False Adult turned up to lots of the sessions because I just did not want a rupture…but inside there was a lot up upset and unrest. The head injury I sustained at Christmas really affected me for most of the month of January too. I felt dissociated but not. My short term memory was awful and I would forget trains of thought and words and….well basically it was a nightmare. There was one session where I just sat there. My mind was completely empty. Peaceful even (Wow!). But it meant that there wasn’t really much therapy. I wasn’t sad about it though because I was so cognitively zoned out. I literally had no fucks to give!
Then anniversary of ending with Em rolled around and I didn’t speak about it despite the fact it was swirling inside. It was mine and Anita’s three-year anniversary but I felt awkward somehow. I gave her a gift, but it just felt a bit…I dunno…strange this year. I think that’s definitely me, not her.
That’s not to say during this period A and I haven’t connected. We have had a few hugs and stories – it’s not been completely distant…but I just haven’t felt quite right. Stuff was building up and up and up and then I had a very bad dissociative day and it hit me afterwards that it was the actual day of ‘tick gate’. The body remembers even if the mind isn’t quite on it!
The next session I was determined to go and talk things through with Anita. You know when it’s just built up to a point where you have to? Avoidance is out. You just need to do the work. You need to take a risk and oftentimes when you do that that’s when things feel most held and connected. Anita is not a mind reader and so if I come in in False Adult I think she can think I am ok…enough. If I actually show her or tell her I am struggling then she’s there. Sometimes I think I don’t give her the opportunity to meet me, but then there’s another part of me that feels like by now she should know me and my patterns well enough to spot when I might be hiding away.
So, that day a few weeks back (the ‘let’s do it’ day) it felt like the internal fog had lifted, the mistrust and crap about not feeling held or contained was gone. Anita and I have been together long enough for me to know that she’s there. She cares. And she’s human. (Am still fucked off about the disruptions though!) But it wasn’t serving me to keep stuff to myself. The child parts needed to be seen and held and to talk through the break and all the feelings of being left and abandoned.
It’s a 45 minute drive to Anita’s and I had just arrived in her town when I got a phone call from my wife telling me she needed to go to hospital urgently but didn’t think she could drive. So, that was therapy out. I text Anita just 15 minutes before my session and cancelled. I was gutted, but obviously my wife’s health and well-being take precedence. When I arrived home, I saw a message from A saying she hoped everything was ok and she was sorry not see me. I spent the day in hospital with my wife and it triggered a lot of the trauma from being young and also when I had to have all the chemo and radiotherapy for cancer- I wasn’t in a very good place and also so sad about not being able to see Anita when I had REALLY needed to and was REALLY ready to let stuff out.
I text Anita in the afternoon explaining what was going on (bad) and asked if she might have time for a quick check in before Friday and…she didn’t reply until the afternoon of the next day. That triggered me. Ugh. But not only that she said she didn’t have any space for me.
I wasn’t asking for a f-2-f session, I literally just wanted a five minute phonecall to touch base and she was too busy.
I was really upset about that. I mean really upset.
The next session was quite shutdown I think until I started crying and told her I had really needed to see her on Monday and then all the stuff about hospital trauma and stuff from being little came out. I thought Anita knew about this part of my story, but I think I must have shared it with Em (this is one thing I really hate about having switched therapists – I feel like so much of my story is held with Em). A responded with lots of love and care but, despite this I wasn’t able to tell her how hurt I felt about not having a check in. She’d brought it up and said she was sorry…but I was hurting a lot and the young parts just felt like she would have made time in the past.
I was due to go on holiday in half-term and so that was creeping ever closer…another break. Another disruption. I was flying on the Friday before half-term and I had asked again in a text if we might be able to check in. Again she said she was full. When I saw her in session she said she was sorry that she had no space in the week. I moodily replied, “I don’t want to see you, I don’t have time this week either, I just wanted to talk to you.” Anita hadn’t realised the check in I was asking for was a phone call and said that she could talk to me on the Wednesday evening before I went. It’s a day she has her grandchildren overnight but once she’d got them in bed we could talk. That sounded good to me.
So I left on the Monday feeling sad that it would be two weeks until I saw A, but grateful that at least we would talk and the child parts would get a bit of reassurance on the Wednesday.
Wednesday evening rolled around…and my phone didn’t ring. There was no text. Nothing. I went to bed upset but also kind of resigned to the fact that she’d not remembered me. On Thursday my phone remained blank. No contact.
By the evening part of me was panicking that something had happened to Anita…but more voices were shouting, “She’s forgotten about you. She doesn’t care. Out of sight, out of mind! You’re just not that important anymore.” – that stuff on a loop. I felt really sad. I went to bed on Thursday ready to fly on Friday and when I woke up at 3am there was a message from Anita on my phone sent at 11pm Thursday night:
I am so sorry about last night. Not only was it children, but our electric kept tripping off on the sockets, so (partner) had to come down to sort it. I hope you have a lovely time away and can fully recharge xx (heart).
I looked at the message and was just really fucking mad. Like, really? Sure things go wrong and perhaps it all got chaotic that evening. But the thing that really hurt me was that she was only acknowledging this more than 24 hours after we were meant to check in. It hurt because the reason I had asked for the check in in the first place was because there was a break coming up and the little parts get so distressed. Anita knew this. And so that message just felt shit on so many levels.
In the past I would have replied to that message and fired something back showing just how hurt and upset I was. But I didn’t. I just didn’t reply at all. I was sick for the first part of my holiday which was a real pisser and I was having nightmares with Anita in them. By Monday evening I was really struggling with the little parts. I sent Anita a message with something from Carolyn Spring about shame and the link to a song, a friend had shared with me by Sia which really encapsulated how I was feeling.
I heard nothing from Anita.
In the past when I have been away and it’s been our session time she’s sent me a text to tell me she’s thinking of me. Not this time.
On Friday she sent me a text wishing me a safe journey home and sending a hug…but by that time I just felt really cut off. Like, really? Can she really not know how upset I am.
Monday ended up a complete shitting disaster. I could barely speak to her and dissociated so badly that it felt like there was literal grey fog in the room. I couldn’t see properly. I was quiet. I was hoping Anita would say something early on about the missed check in but she didn’t and this shut me down even further. I had expected her to say something – surely that text wasn’t adequate and she couldn’t feel like that was the matter closed? The pain inside was intense and A just seemed to leave me in it. She didn’t reach out, ask to hold my hand, see if I wanted a hug, enquire which parts were there. At around the half hour mark she asked if what was going on was due to gap or her not calling on the Wednesday.
I couldn’t speak.
And then she said, “In hindsight, I won’t do that again. I should have said no in the first place.”
With that I got up and said, “I’m so done. That’s not fair.” And walked out.
I was so upset.
Maybe she shouldn’t have offered the check in, and maybe with hindsight it was a mistake but the mistake has been made and surely it’s up to her to try and find a repair and allow the hurt parts to talk about what it felt like to be let down and seemingly forgotten about. Instead, it felt like I was being punished for her cock up. My reaction was making her uncomfortable, obviously another example of being ‘too dependent’, and so rather than look at that, just withdraw yet another thing that helps. We don’t do longer sessions anymore, now check ins are off the cards. I am waiting to see what happens with bank holidays. Previously, we’ve always rescheduled to another time in the week but I am guessing now I’ll just miss the session…that I have paid for.
Oh, and don’t get me started on that. She’s upped her prices too.
So, yeah. It’s all been a bit bumpy to say the least. We have managed to repair things a bit. I went back after walking out and a glimmer of old Anita was there. She had softened a lot and told me she cares, loves me etc etc and held me in tight hug for the remainder of the session…
It feels like we are a long way off base right now.
Part of me is wondering how much of this has been triggered by all the stuff I am carrying emotionally and so I am just being over sensitive. Another part is wondering if I just need to be realistic and adjust my expectations of the therapy. Anita’s capacity has changed. She isn’t the same as she was, but I still get a lot… I dunno. And after all, she is just a therapist.
I guess we’ll see. Apologies that this is just a moaning rant of nothing. I don’t have much reflective capacity right now. I just feel sad. I’ll get through it, though, I always do.
Love to you all x
Sending you so much love, RBCG. 🫂🫂🫂🫂
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Thank you darling xxx
So painful. 😦 I find the withdrawal of things we’ve got used to in therapy perhaps the most painful thing of all. I experienced it a lot with previous ones and the sense of trust was always so shattered. With my current one, she doesn’t do certain things like check ins, but it feels so much safer as I know things won’t be withdrawn if that makes sense.. feels ironic as I remember past therapists arguing that it would be better if they did less so we didn’t get used to it and I was like NO 😂 But now I get it and appreciate current one knowing their limits. At times it can hurt but less so than feeling the withdrawal of warmth. I so hope that you can adjust to her new boundaries and that she can be/feel more consistent in the space she CAN still hold, even if it less. I think if the time she does still give felt solid (no distractions like daughters etc) you’d feel much more able to adjust and settle and grieve the losses of what she can no longer do. It feels like currently you’re trying to navigate the changes and losses in a smaller space that doesn’t feel steady either, like a double whammy. Thinking of you xx
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Yes. It’s exactly that. Less outside contact etc is manageable if the sessions themselves feel holding but when that holding space doesn’t hold up it’s triggering and unsettling. I’m glad I’m this far down the line in my therapy that I now have enough adult to weather this stuff more easily, but it still feels like I’m having to grieve an additional loss. I guess we’ll see how Monday goes. There was another hiccup on Friday afternoon but I’ll be writing about that in another post… at some point! I’m glad you feel contained with your current T. I guess after previous T and withdrawal you can see what you get now is stable.
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Thinking of you and hoping today went well. ❤
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Thank you. No. It didn’t go well unfortunately. I didn’t have a therapist having a breakdown and burnout on my bingo card this week and it appears I’m heading into a slow motion car crash where an end is on the cards. I’m so sad.
Oh dear 😓😔 sending so much warmth and love and care to you in this. It must be so terrifying on the inside … like that feeling in a dream before you fall … but ongoing … gosh … i hope this is a false alarm. We are all here for you x
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Thank you so much. I feel like I’m gonna need this army behind me in the next few weeks. X
I’m so sorry. I have been in that position twice and it is just so awful. Realising the person you need really cant hold you anymore is one of the worst feelings. Thinking of you and if you want to speak to someone whose had this situation and a stranger (although I read silently for years!) I’m here. Just let me know and I’ll pop over an email. Sending you courage and gentleness. ❤️
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Thank you so much. Yeah it’s crapper than crap. I did nothing wrong or different and yet her life has tanked… so I lose out. Gutted doesn’t come close does it? Xx
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Yeah exactly, it’s almost worse than if we DID do something because then we’d feel like we had some control.. but with this we are just so powerless, and that’s such a reenactment in and of itself from childhood. And no there really aren’t words for how painful it can be. Thinking of you. You’ll get through although you shouldn’t have to.
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💯 this. It’s the reenactment of childhood trauma. The abandonment. Even if A decides she will keep me this ‘maybe maybe not’ stuff has already caused damage. My young parts will be wary of being too much. It’s far from ideal. Thank you for reaching out xx
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I understand that so much. 😦 thinking of you and hope Friday goes as well as possible. 🙏
I’m sorry that things are difficult hun. The head injury thing is not good. 😱
I totally get how the wet hair would throw you. T’s house has smelt musty for two sessions recently and it threw me, but I assumed it was just her having the heating on less or something. The dog and daughter thing is unprofessional. The therapy environment should be as calm as possible so the dogs should be somewhere else because there’s no guarantee that they will be quiet. It should also be confidential so her daughter shouldn’t be allowed to be near the therapy room. T’s husband doesn’t work, but will either be out or stay upstairs. It has taken a lot of self talk and getting to know T to understand that certain nuances on some days are just because she is human and not because she isn’t okay or not ready for me. I try to relate them to me and that we all have days where we run late and things just don’t go as planned.
I do think that there may be a certain degree of reliance on Anita reading your mind and knowing what you need without having to ask.
I also think that discussing how you feel about the change in outside contact etc should either be discussed or accepted as you said, that her capacity has changed. It’s not because of you or a reflection of you. Realistically she will have changed those boundaries with every client because she was ridiculously overstretching herself. Assuming that she worked the same with every client.
So much of this is transference and you trying to work out all of the past on Anita which is okay! But it doesn’t seem like she actually knows that much of your story so is trying to respond to ruptures.
Your mum doesn’t deserve you or your family. But accepting that your mum can’t be what you need her to be is just an indescribable level of grief. I don’t think you’re in a place where you are ready to grieve. Anita having to change the boundaries is a reenactment as you said of your mum being unavailable. A is available to you, but not on an unlimited basis. Even you can’t constantly be available for your children even if you end up being so.
Is having an anniversary of ‘tick gate’ helpful for you? Does it achieve anything apart from punishing you and setting you back three years? Be angry about it and acknowledge that Em is wrong and a charlatan, but I just don’t think that you will ever move forward if you acknowledge it as an anniversary. 😬 I get that it may crop up subconsciously, but consciously remembering it is just self destructive. Em doesn’t deserve your energy. You need to remind the adult part of you of this.
This is all said with love. 💜😬
I don’t consciously keep Em’s anniversary in mind. It’s just unfortunately positioned as everything started to go to shit just before Christmas and then went downhill thereafter. It wouldn’t be so in my mind had I not started seeing Anita mid-way through January just before the whole thing went down with tick gate. What I keep in mind is the new beginning I had with Anita but then of course there’s why I am with her now and all that. Em certainly isn’t front of mind or even side of mind most of the year but January is just a bit of a vulnerable time. And yes, loads of stuff gets brought up in the transference. Most of the time I am able to look in on myself and catch what’s happening. Like this weekend was a bit rotten in places but this evening I am ok – just ready to go and do the work. For the most part I can handle what’s going on, it’s just a bit sad at times when I think of what I have now with A and what there was before. The feelings haven’t changed – she assures me of that, and we still do really connect most of the time. It’s just been a bit weird this last month or so. But like you say, she’s human, like your T and for the most part she gets it right. I learn more about myself and my reactions when things happen and can piece more of the puzzle together. Sometimes you just want it to go right though. Fingers crossed for quiet dogs and an absent daughter tomorrow! lol. Hope you’re hanging in there. x
I totally understand why those things would feel totally crap – they would for me too. I don’t think it’s you, though…it is very much sounding like a withdrawal of things that used to be there with Anita, and it feels unfair. Perhaps you are reacting more strongly to it than you may at other times, given all the other horribleness, but you’re not making it up – things are different. And this is not the time for them to be, when you actually could use more steadiness and care. I’m sorry for all of it, RBCG.
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Yeah, it does feel hard when the young parts are in play. It is probably only a little bit different most of the time but because I am scanning so much harder for evidence she’s going to abandon me EVERYTHING feels big…even the small stuff. Well, to the young parts at least. Adult me is really like “Ah well, it is what it is and I know she cares about me a lot” but we’re not always dealing with adult are we?! I need to really go and unpick what happened on Monday tomorrow. We had a very holding session on Friday. Lots of stories for the littles and cuddles – so they feel okish. So now it’s time for adult me to go and advocate for the small ones who were so hurt by being forgotten about. I just need those feelings to be heard and validated. Wish me luck and thank you for the care and support xx
Hi RB *waves the ice cream spoon….*
I was wondering how to put what I want to say in words but empowering wolf has said it exactly right. What I have sometimes feels less, but also what I have is consistent. And that’s the key. You’ve been given more and then had it withdrawn which is so much harder than having boundaries strictly kept a along. Everyone knows where they are. I’m so sorry that you are feeling this. But I’m glad you are posting again – please keep writing
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Ha, lovely ice cream spoon waves back! Yep. Consistency is key. I’ll be ok. I’m made of the hard bits of chocolate in Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food. Lol. I’m sure Anita and I will figure it out. Nothing is profoundly broken but I feel like the next stage of our work is about to begin and I suspect it’s not going to be massively comfortable. Eek!
I feel like you sort of need to start again, if that’s possible! But try to rewind a bit, establish a new way of working with her that works for you both. She has, I think, let you down by giving too much and realising that she can’t sustain it long term. Between you, if you can figure out something that works you will be fine!
I can imagine a comment like “I shouldnt have promised I would check in with you” just feels awkward all round. It’s just embarrassing.
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Yeah. We’re kind of getting our way through it slowly. Or I am learning to adjust to what it’s like now. It’s been a hard year though. The thing about her saying she wouldn’t do that again with the check in just felt like a reaction to her not handling my shut down well. She knew why I was shut down but didn’t want to go there. I think we’ll get to process it these next few weeks. Although we are forecast snow and so that’s sure to throw a spanner in the works…and she must be due a break soon. ARRRGHGHGHGHGHHHH!!!!
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Hi friend, I understand your system being out of wack because the way things used to be has changed. It reminds me very much of my experience with L, where so many things that were offered were either pulled back or eliminated entirely. That’s painful and it’s confusing to the attachment. I wish that therapists would be mighty careful of their boundaries and think long-term as to whether or not they can sustain the things they are offering. Because when something changes in their lives then you reap the fallout. I recognize now that L should never have offered things like the texting if she wasn’t going to be able to keep it up and that she should have really thought carefully about how her own needs could be balanced with that. In my opinion, it was a mistake and created such a dependency with me that I struggled to overcome because I’d never had a relationship with such boundaries and care, and I ate it up. Now with M, I don’t have that option and it is both a relief, because I won’t develop the same needs, but also a challenge because it goes against everything I’m used to. I don’t know how to move past the changes and adjust fully, but I hope you can manage that. I know Anita has done so much for you in ways of your growth (well, YOU’VE done that, but what I mean is her presence has been beneficial), so I hope that you can find a way to be able to move forward with her that’s productive to your healing. Thinking of you x
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Sending you heaps of love. I’ve missed hearing your news so I hope you are ok. Yes, I agree with such a lot of this. I guess what I would say is that what was on offer has done me such a lot of good for such a long time and it’s enabled me to get to a place where I do have some self-compassion and can hold myself more. Most of the time I am ok with the changes. I am mega busy these days so I don’t have the time to spend thinking about the therapy or the relationship. Weeks fly past (well they drag but you know what I mean!). I am going to have unpick some stuff with Anita tomorrow as I don’t think the thing about check ins is fair. We have rarely checked in – I mean I can’t even count on one hand when we’ve done that. So I think this knee jerk response because she feels guilty for letting me down is bullshit. I really really hope you are doing ok. Sending such a lot of love your way xxx
I’m so sorry to read this post and your recent comments about therapy possibly ending. I’m going through a similiar situation with my long term therapist changing boundaries because of things in her own life, and it’s incredibly painful and scary. Solidarity. Please post updates on how you’re doing if you’re willing? I hope you and A can find a way to move forward without ending.
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Thanks. I hope you’re doing ok. I’m in a hole and can’t bring myself to sit and trip… but will try this weekend. X
Thinking of you 💛💛💛
How are you doing since this post? You are in my thoughts. ❤
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Hanging out my arse … I have such a lot to catch up on but also just can’t face unpicking it. Hope you’re ok x
Sorry to hear. 😦 Kind of guessed as its been so long since you posted! Going through some therapy stuff here too. Hoping you’re at least starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel, know its been tough for a while. ❤️
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Thank you. Not sure about light but am not spinning in circles in the dark!
You always write with such honesty RBCG, your inner workings and how they relate to those around you. It’s entirely reasonable to look to A for the service she’s offered you for 3 years (wow, has it been that long?!), and while it could be argued that, if her life has changed dramatically, she should be free to reduce her workload accordingly to cope, I’ve always felt you’re more than just her ‘workload’ and so assumed you’d be the last to see the signs of her cutting down. Maybe you are, who knows. But either you’re the first or the last, it’s still painfully bewildering and worrying. It comes across from what you’ve written that Anita is overwhelmed in her life and it’s spilling out into her work. Not conducive to your healing though. I hope you both find a new and meaningful way through, if returning to the old way is not possible for now. Sometimes I naively wish for myself and for others that we could all just turn back the clocks and out it all back to ‘normal’. Change is only good if it’s welcome, type of thing.
I see this was written a few weeks back and so I hope there’s improvement for you, whichever way it is.
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Thanks LS. Hope you’re doing ok. I can’t seem to get onto your blog via my phone so will try on laptop. It’s all been crap here. I’ve never gone so long without writing. It’s been a colossal mess. Thinking of you. X
Thinking of you with so much love and care … really hope things are okay ♥️♥️
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