Rewind: Fantasy Becomes A Reality

Ah man! Things are a freaking mess! Anita and have been back to online therapy for the last two sessions and all I can say is that it is going even worse than I imagined it would – the fact we also had a 40 minute check in midweek (woeful Wednesday) before we’d even gone online should tell you how it’s been. Help!

The youngest parts of me feel like they are spiralling through the abyss. I can’t seem to ground or find safety and staring at my computer screen trying to connect to A is just horrendous. The child parts feel unseen, invisible, trapped (even though A is trying to reach them and reassure them) and then they feel more and more disconnected, more and more desperate, and then just really sad because the moment the call ends that’s it – I am left dealing with the fallout of that painful disconnect in the time between sessions. Again, I am not actually alone because A has been there, really been there, but to those parts anything short of physical proximity just doesn’t cut it.

It’s so noisy inside: my system is having an epic meltdown. It’s so frustrating. I feel so sad inside. So alone. But also these last few days I’ve felt grumpy and angry (raging) and generally just out of sorts. I am snapping at everyone. I can’t seem to keep my cool. I can’t tell you how many times I have muttered the words, ‘Please just shut the fuck up!’ under my breath.

I don’t want to be like this. I don’t like this version of myself but I know it is a product of being stretched and stressed beyond my limits and so am trying to exercise a bit of compassion towards myself…which is easier said than done.

Really, my rage is just a mask. Actually, I just want to run away and hide so that I don’t have to interact with anyone and can avoid an argument but can also just howl into the void and loneliness. Or, truthfully, I just want to be in Anita’s therapy room, with her, trying to get me back into some kind of window of tolerance…but that can’t happen so for now I swing between rage and avoidance.

It’s thoroughly exhausting being like this. I hate that I am so easily destabilised. I cannot believe that I have gone from feeling so safe, so held, so contained, to completely abandoned and unsafe in the course of a couple of weeks. I should be more equipped to deal with these feelings because this was what it was like for most of the therapy with Em.

The thing is, my system was just beginning to settle, beginning to be a little less on ‘high alert’, it was starting to trust and relax into the relationship with A….and now it’s fucked again! I mean, it’s not totally wrecked, I do trust her, I do believe she’ll come back. I do believe she really cares about me – loves me…but right now there’s parts that are so shook up that it’s hard to hang onto that.

I am so far behind with my posts now that I don’t know what to do, where to start, or even what to say. I’ve been sitting on the floor by my fire all day, paralysed. My laptop has been on the sofa and I just haven’t even known where to begin with it all. I could talk about the two positive ‘repair’ sessions before A went away last week, but as good as they were/felt I realise that now she’s gone we essentially stuck a band aid on a wound that needs stitches and heavy duty dressings. I could talk about the return to online therapy but ugh… it’ll just upset me more. So…what I think I am going to do it post about the stuff that I had the wobbles over.

Loads of you have asked for the password for this stuff and I really thank you for reaching out, sharing your stories with me, and letting me know that you’ve found my blog helpful in some way. Sometimes when I am sitting here in the depths of hell watching words appear on my laptop I wonder if anyone reads it. There’s a few of us die hard bloggers that have been here for ages and actively comment but other than that the only evidence we have are the blog stats- it never makes much sense that there might be seven or eight comments on a post but 150 views each day for the first few days when I post?

Anyway, this hasn’t got a password but I may retrospectively add one depending on how things feel. I am hoping that seeing as I am now drowning in attachment pain like everyone else doing online therapy they won’t begrudge what have felt like some really magical, transformational, ‘waited all my life for this’ sessions.

PLEASE DON’T BE LIKE THIS!

It all started with a horrible dream involving Em…bloody therapy dreams eh?!! I felt so awful that I just couldn’t calibrate. I felt like I was going to fall apart. It made sense to give Anita the heads up in advance so that I didn’t go in and sit there in false adult passing the time when really it was falling apart inside. So I sent this:

Hi A.

I’m all over the shop – and it’s been topped with a really painful dream that’s left me reeling:

At Em’s. It was really calm. I was talking to her about how much she’d hurt me. It was clearly my four year old part speaking and it was like Em could finally see what she was dealing with – a very hurt child, and she changed her tone completely. She let the little girl hold her hand whilst she talked which made it easier to say what she needed. Then Em took the soft pink rabbit that I was holding was me and held it to her. She talked about it, asked its name, and said how lovely it was. Then she hugged it to her, kissed it gently, stroked its ears then handed it back to me. I told her I still loved her (the little girl part). And she held me. I cried. She told me she still kept me in her mind and hadn’t let me go. I asked her about the marble that 11 year old part had given her. She said she still had it. This brought that part out and she asked ‘Why did you reject me?- abandon all of us?’ Em said she didn’t know.

I haven’t dreamt about Em since the dream where I went in disguise to see her and she got angry. I’ve woken up feeling really sad and young again. It’s so painful that I feel like I’m dissociating. Yesterday in my craniosacral session that young four year old child part landed in my body with a thud, K noticed and said that the pain she can feel that part is holding is immense – so much so that I don’t even breathe properly as though that little girl is too scared to take up any room, be noticed etc – it’s hiding in a flight mode terrified.

We need to work with her. I need you to be close today as otherwise I’ll retreat because I feel so vulnerable and sad but am also reeling from the dream and the feelings of rejection abandonment is so live. I feel like I need to cry but I don’t know how to access the tears.

I feel like I’ll try and hide because this stuff is so wounded that I avoid it but it seems like I don’t have a choice but to tentatively look at it now. However the shame that floods in around all this makes it really difficult as it’s like a gag.

X

By the time I arrived at Anita’s there was a text in my phone:

I understand and will really try to be what you need x

I felt hopeful but also massively exposed and nervous as I knocked at the door. I walked in, sat down, and could feel myself disappearing, I was shaking and told her I felt like my entire system was juddering and I felt wobbly. Anita replied, ‘these dreams really impact you don’t they?’ and I nodded. Then she said, ‘It feels like we’re a long way apart, that there’s a lot of distance, and that’s not what you need. Usually we hug at the end of the session but I’m wondering if you’d like one now? And maybe I can sit next to you on the sofa?’ I nodded. She really understood what was happening and I was so relieved that she was so attuned to me.

Anita came and sat beside me on the couch. I have needed this for so many years. I have needed the therapist to take a step towards me when I am disappearing and when I feel unlovable and untouchable – I have needed the presence of the other to help pull me back. I could barely believe that it was as simple as someone coming from their chair to mine. All those years of longing for Em to cross that couple of metres that felt like miles and there was A calm and present beside me. I struggled to make eye contact. I felt so embarrassed by my message before session and despite having A right there, clearly receptive, exactly where I wanted her to be, close to me… I felt like I was drifting away.

Anita asked me, then, what that little four year old part needed? Could she say? I shook my head. There were no words just a cavern of need inside me. I’ve felt like this so many times and had Em just stare at me from across the other side of the room.

And then Anita said she felt like she just wants to hold that part and make her feel safe. She said it felt like there is so much grief to process. I nodded and said, ‘Can I have a cuddle?’ It was definitely the young part who would never use the word ‘hug’. A smiled warmly, opened her arms to me and I snuggled in close with my head on her chest. I could hear her heart beating slow and steady and I kind of had hand my hand resting on her chest – like a baby. None of it was conscious – I was so little in that moment.

It was so different from the goodbye hugs which have been great but also kind of sad because they signal the end of the session and being back out in the world- it’s not really the child parts getting hugs at the end. I lay there barely able to breathe – she gently told me it was ok and I was safe with her and that it’s ok to breathe. I could feel my system really struggling. She said, ‘She really hurt you didn’t she?’ (Em) And I held on tighter, I felt the grief rising and wanted to let her in but was also fighting it.

She kept saying really reassuring things but mainly just held me. Eventually after 5-6 minutes (but felt much longer) I relaxed, I could feel my defences letting go and my body was less rigid, and my breathing matched Anita’s – coregulation in action. I felt like I might fall asleep. It was so calming. I cannot think of a time in my life where I have felt so safe and contained…which is utterly tragic.

Then eventually I pulled away. I told her I felt embarrassed that I need that so much. ‘There’s no need to be embarrassed. We all need hugs. I don’t know anyone that doesn’t like cuddles… especially young parts. It helps them to feel safe. I think you needed a lot more than you got.’

I reached out and I held her hand for the next twenty minutes on the couch. It’s hard to describe the level of emotional intimacy that was happening or the vulnerability but it felt so safe that I just said exactly what I was feeling …which is huge! The anxiety and stress and shame of being judged that was so present in the room with Em just isn’t there with A.

I said, ‘I really like you’ and then corrected myself, ‘No. I love you.’ And she replied, ‘I really love you too’ as if it was the most natural thing in the world to say. She told me she wasn’t going anywhere and couldn’t imagine leaving me ever and that even when she’s old she’s going to have a practice because it isn’t about money to her.

Again A was just full of reassurance and care and more stuff about how hard it is to have an adult life when the child is so present and so in need. Whilst cuddled into her I asked her if she thought I was weird. It’s amazing how the young parts can talk when being held in a way that has never been possible before. She said ‘not at all’ and said she thought I was unbelievably brave and courageous and have been so badly let down by so  many people that it’s not surprising I am how I am -so scared of being hurt-but that it’s never been me or my fault. And again that she loves me.

I said ‘you don’t know me. I spend so much time hiding’ and she replied ‘I love who I see. Do you think if I see more of you I won’t like you any more?’ I nodded into her chest. She said ‘I can guarantee that won’t be the case and I think I know you better than you think’. I didn’t realise it but I was crying – little silent tears.

I whispered, ‘Why are you so nice to me?’ and A replied, ‘because you’re lovely. You’re wounded. You’re hurt but that doesn’t make you horrible. People have let you down, you haven’t let them down. That’s the difference. It feels like that to you but it doesn’t to me. It’s not your fault. People have let you down badly.’ She said that she wished she could hold me forever – as long as I needed. And then said she wanted to tuck that little girl into bed, make her feel safe, and take her to the beach and get her an ice cream and just play- be free to be a child.

‘Wouldn’t it be lovely to be a child?’ questioned A. ‘It wasn’t safe being a child’ I murmured in reply. A agreed, and said that she meant that she would like to give those parts the space to feel relaxed and safe now and maybe we can go out one day and spend some time playing at the beach. She rubbed my back gently and I breathed her in. I let out a big lumpy exhale. ‘You need more of this (cuddles) don’t you? Calmness. Feeling safe. Or as safe as you can?’ A soothed.

A tiny voice said, ‘I love you’ again and A said ‘I really love you too’.

Honestly, this woman. Thank fucking god for her!

Then a tiny voice said ‘will you look after my elephant?’ And without any hesitation she said ‘yes’… despite having no idea what I was talking about! I had brought two toy elephants with me – mum and baby – and basically the young part wanted her to keep hold of the baby so she doesn’t forget us. It’s another reverse transitional object.

Anita took the little elephant and held it to her, ‘and you keep looking after the big one’ (clear metaphor there eh?!). I said, ‘you can put him in a drawer – he won’t know’ and she replied, I feel like I want to give him a cuddle and tuck him into bed.’

I didn’t realise I was crying at this point but then I felt the tears run over my lip and gave a big snotty sniff! It was such an emotional release. To be really seen, really held, to be safe.

It was the end of the session. I got up. I smiled. And then asked for yet another hug. I said, ‘Noone has ever cuddled me like you have cuddled me today’ – my god it was vulnerability overload. ‘And that’s what you’ve missed out on isn’t it?’ said A, as she squeezed me tightly.

It felt so healing. I mean if I could have written up a fantasy therapy session this basically would have been it.

And the next session was great too!!

This is why I am trying to hang on tight to these memories as I fail to connect online. But it’s hardly surprising is it? The young parts have become used to this level of attunement, holding and safety and then suddenly have a 2D image on screen and it sucks. There is no heartbeat, there is no touch, there is none of the sensory stuff – like smell that help ground the young parts. It’s so hard!…so hard in fact that I disconnected our first online session after 5 minutes! Tantrum!

Anyway, I will get up to speed over time with this. Man I need to be back in the room!

54 thoughts on “Rewind: Fantasy Becomes A Reality

  1. skinnyhobbit November 17, 2020 / 12:44 pm

    ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ amazing. Wordless. Just incredible and you deserve it ❤❤❤❤❤❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 17, 2020 / 1:44 pm

      It’s been amazing. Really transformational … which is why I’m struggling so hard to be back online. It just feels so abandoning – even though I know it’s not. ☹️

      Liked by 2 people

      • skinnyhobbit November 17, 2020 / 2:45 pm

        Hugs. I really hope you, your child selves and Anita can find powerful new ways to connect again ❤❤

        Liked by 2 people

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 17, 2020 / 4:18 pm

        Oh me too! I think the one thing that is helpful is to hang on to the fact that I know she wants to come back and will come back to me….and to keep in mind how much worse this would have been if I was still with Em. I am sad because I am ‘missing’ the amazing connection rather than desperately ‘longing’ for it like I did with Em. Man it’s exhausting! xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. droppingintome November 17, 2020 / 12:45 pm

    beautiful. of course being online is so shitty, particularly after such connecting sessions.

    Liked by 3 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 17, 2020 / 1:46 pm

      Thank Hun. I’m just trying to hang onto the feeling of this session – and those that followed. It’s hard because I lose connection so easily and then start to doubt everything. Its tough. 😕

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sara November 17, 2020 / 2:09 pm

    Oh my heart was with you while I read this. 💕 What an amazing relief to be held and cared for that way! Online therapy is so hard…especially after moments like this.

    Liked by 3 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 17, 2020 / 2:14 pm

      Ah thanks Sara. It’s been phenomenal but it’s just such a contrast being on screen now. It is painful actually. Like having security blanket taken away.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Sara November 17, 2020 / 2:33 pm

        Yes, I know this current feeling – so disconnecting.
        Hugs to you. 💕

        Liked by 2 people

      • Sara November 17, 2020 / 2:36 pm

        💗

        Liked by 1 person

  4. pocketcanadian November 17, 2020 / 2:54 pm

    How lovely to finally be held, and seen and heard. And how horrible to feel like it’s been taken away, so so hard.

    Liked by 3 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 17, 2020 / 4:19 pm

      It’s been absolutely incredible which is why I was so hurt when she told me she was going away and that we’d have to do online. It’s so painful to the young parts that always had to say goodbye to mum and just hang on til she came home. Ugh. I feel like my life is in a weird kind of limbo. Hope you’re ok xx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. alicewithptsd November 17, 2020 / 2:58 pm

    It’s awful to feel like this. We work so hard to get to a place of safety, of feeling stable and calm within and supported, and to have it all knocked off kilter is extremely destabilizing. Reading about this session with Anita, I’m so glad you had that, got to experience someone coming towards you and helping you out of the blackness. This is really a beautiful example of a therapist being perfectly attuned to you and your parts and creating that safety we all need so desperately. I love that A took the baby elephant and you kept the big elephant. I hope that online therapy ends soon, and that you can be back in the room. I know this is so hard. 💗

    Liked by 3 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 17, 2020 / 4:21 pm

      Totally agree with you. It’s the change that is so hard and the stark contrast between face to face and online. It feels so abandoning to the young parts even though adult me knows it’s not. I wish I could hold these sessions in mind better. When she’s gone it’s like she doesn’t even exist. Ugh! Take care xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • alicewithptsd November 17, 2020 / 4:54 pm

        Would A mail you cards? I don’t know if it would even help, but Bea has made some beautiful cards she has sent to the little girl and the teen during this time. And for a while we nailed a coloring page back and forth— we took turns coloring parts of it. That’s hanging up in my blanket tent now.

        Liked by 2 people

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 18, 2020 / 9:21 am

        I really like this idea and I am sure A would do this if I asked. I think we need to really have a long talk about how to manage these disturbances better. She gave me her necklace to look after but it’s not enough for the young parts. Ugh! Blanket tents are definitely a good shout! x

        Like

      • alicewithptsd November 18, 2020 / 1:44 pm

        I think a conversation would be a good idea. I’m sure Anita will have some ideas on how to help you. She is so attuned to you and it’s obvious she cares a lot. You guys will figure this out together. 💗

        Liked by 1 person

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 19, 2020 / 10:35 am

        I am literally just taking it a day at a time and trying to not unravel. My session was so triggering yesterday that I am absolutely wiped out today. Big hug x

        Like

  6. mialeanne November 17, 2020 / 3:06 pm

    This is just beautiful. I rarely comment ( I always want to comment but don’t because, quite honestly, I have zero confidence), but I was so touched reading this. I have followed you from the beginning and I am so happy that you have found such a wonderful therapist and that you are finally getting some of what you deserve. Sending love x

    Liked by 4 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 17, 2020 / 4:23 pm

      Ah thank you for commenting 🙂 and thank you for coming along for the ride…from the beginning. I understand about not feeling confident but you are so welcome here. People are lovely here – on my blog- it’s only occasionally I get some negative stuff and that doesn’t get approved! ha. Thank you for being happy for me. It’s been one hell of a road getting here! x

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Eliza November 17, 2020 / 3:14 pm

    I’m glad you shared this. It brought me to tears in a good way. There is no way online can measure up. I hope you can hold on to it.
    Sending hugs

    Liked by 2 people

      • Eliza November 18, 2020 / 9:04 pm

        Gah…………… I wish there was something to say and there just isn’t. I’m not even doing therapy and yes I can understand how impossible it is. Sending hugs and sunshine. I hope she can get back to face to face soon…. I wish I could make it easier to hold it all together…

        Liked by 1 person

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 19, 2020 / 10:36 am

        Thanks Eliza….thank god for WordPress and all the support here. I couldn’t get through this without it! Take care x

        Liked by 1 person

  8. behindapaintedsmile30 November 17, 2020 / 3:33 pm

    I’m sorry that you have had to go back online especially as it wasn’t A’s intention either. It isn’t the same. I tried to make the best of it but so much is lost on a screen.
    I love the elephants. The baby looks so happy and will be regularly snuggled by A. You have made so much progress in a short space of time. This year has been so inconsistent. I hope that this is a temporary change and you are back in the therapy room soon. x

    Liked by 3 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 17, 2020 / 4:25 pm

      Thanks hun. I agree. Online is just so hard for people with our injuries. I am trying so hard but I just can’t feel her and so then it scares me and I retreat even further. Vicious cycle really. How are you holding up? xx

      Liked by 2 people

      • behindapaintedsmile30 November 17, 2020 / 5:13 pm

        She’s still there and unfortunately I think these are times where we have to keep reminding ourselves that they will come back. Keeping those good sessions in mind and reminding the younger parts that A loves them and doesn’t want to be away with A backing that up in sessions. Sometimes it does involve white knuckling it through though which is shit.
        I’m okay I guess. T decided we could go back to face to face sessions when we were both put into Tier 3 and I went back as we went into lockdown. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Having to wear a mask is the downside but a compromise and minimises the risk of having to isolate or getting covid. After 3 months back online, I’m just relieved to be in the same room! The child part has been in charge of the sessions which has changed things a lot! xx

        Liked by 3 people

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 18, 2020 / 9:23 am

        I agree….hang on….white knuckle it….and pray she comes back soon! Sounds like you are having some interesting times with the child part. That’s good though – letting T see her. I understand about masks being a downside and it’s hard because facial expression is so important but I still think it’s better than online. Take good care and keep hanging in there! xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  9. slantgirl November 17, 2020 / 3:53 pm

    I am so happy you had the experience of that deep connection and co-regulation! Which makes the loss of in-person all the more poignant 😦 I hope you’re able to come to a different solution. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 17, 2020 / 4:26 pm

      I’m jus toughing it out…but terribly. I’ll get to the online sessions eventually when I catch myself up…but they’ve been….ummm….HARD!!! Take good care of yourself and hope you’re doing ok xx

      Liked by 3 people

  10. Claire Louise November 17, 2020 / 6:31 pm

    ♥ ♥ ♥
    I hear you in the pain of losing something that was precious. I hope you are soon able to connect again in that way x

    Liked by 3 people

  11. healing1973 November 17, 2020 / 6:39 pm

    This made me cry…perhaps like a 4 or 5 year old. So happy for you! This totally hits the mark for me. The difference is that I still see both of my therapists, K and C. I have been seeing K for almost 3 years and she has some of the “coldness” traits that remind me of your Em, though not as extreme. What Em did to you was cruel. Luckily, K has also really helped me but there are some definite challenges and we just had a huge therapeutic rupture that we are working through. I have a lot of transference of my mommy issues with her and it can be very intense and painful. She is sticking it out but I think it is hard on both of us sometimes. Thankfully, I added C earlier this year for EMDR. As it turns out though, she makes me feel safer than K and I don’t have transference issues even though she is technically old enough to be my mother. I think it is because K is more like my mother is and C is more like what I wish my mother were like. There are hugs with K, but most of the time I have to ask and that hits some abuse triggers for me so it is complicated. No hugs with C (yet, maybe?), but she and I connect more as humans since we have similar traits and she touches base in between which is different than K, with which that is a nono. I am thankful I don’t have that weird angsty shit with C and I trust her enough now that I wanted to hug her recently, but we weren’t in the same room at the time and I don’t know if that would make her uncomfortable in general or due to Covid. I don’t want to be inappropriate or make her feel uncomfortable. Who knows? I can feel myself getting more and more connected to her but it doesn’t scare me this time. When she says she would never hurt me, I believe her because she seems to understand me, genuinely care, and has high empathy like me, which is huge. Anyway, sorry for the long response but I know it may help you to see that you are soooooooo not alone in all this. You have been a huge help to me, thank you. Chin up, you have a 100% survival rate and it does get better, I promise. We will all get through this!

    Liked by 3 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 19, 2020 / 10:27 am

      Hey there! It sounds to me like you have found a really good support in C. That’s like when I started seeing my K alongside Em – it was sooooo helpful…although also what made me realise I was getting a bad deal with Em! haha. I guess what I would say is take things at a pace you feel comfortable with. Mine and A’s relationship has just evolved naturally without pressure. I understand about worrying about potentially making C uncomfortable with hugs but given what you’ve said about her it seems unlikely. I could never ask Em for a hug because I knew it was so out of reach and then she brought it up herself as a no go area and that was that. Painful! Yes, we are definitely all in this together. Thanks for the message and let’s all keep swimming! x

      Liked by 1 person

  12. LovingSummer November 17, 2020 / 9:11 pm

    What a truly amazing experience and so sorry you’re having the chance of another session like that ripped out of your hands like that. What a bloody brilliant way to have a parting session on though, RBCG, you have both rather excelled yourselves there, to put it mildly! So much to look forward to but lots of painful aching and longing first, I’m sorry for that side of the waiting. I just wanted to say I hope reuniting in person is faster than you dare hope possible, and that your online work can be meaningful for you too.

    Liked by 3 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 19, 2020 / 10:31 am

      Oh LS it was amazing – although this wasn’t our parting session, this is about a month ago when everything stepped up into vulnerability overload. Our repair sessions were pretty great too….but ugh online is absolutely killing me. It’s so painful. I am trying to get myself up to speed with the blog but life is so bloody busy that I can’t keep up with myself….or anyone else! Big hugs to you xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • LovingSummer November 19, 2020 / 2:12 pm

        Ah, big hug back. I was writing about 3 weeks behind real time most of the summer abs I do find not transcribing the whole session anymore allows me to stay shards of the game a bit. I know you didn’t transcribe the whole session so that’s not helpful to you in any way, except perhaps to know the best of us fall behind and it was a bit awkward when something big would happen right bang smack in the middle of ‘old news’ therapy sessions! 😂
        Hope it’s been a good busy and not too much of overwhelm, and really sorry the online stuff is back and painfully so. Totally with you on how that feels, it’s really shitty isn’t it.

        Liked by 2 people

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 20, 2020 / 4:23 pm

        It’s been overwhelm – just too much to do and not enough time or energy to do it! Ugh! Still, one more lesson and then it’s the weekend….and back onto mum and wife duties! Have a good weekend x

        Like

      • LovingSummer November 20, 2020 / 4:26 pm

        Ahhh… how you manage to get some R&R in all of that over the weekend!

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Lucy King November 18, 2020 / 10:31 pm

    I read this earlier and for some reason my screen froze and this didn’t send… wordpress is so annoying sometimes!

    Ahhh god RB – powerful stuff. I’m soooooo glad you have A. So glad. But also it is all the more painful when it is taken away! Agonising. I really hope this is a short period and then you can get back to the holding arms of A and the pure medicinal therapy she is offering you. I just wanna say I have so much respect and awe for you opening yourself up to her love. Considering what you have experienced, the damage Em did, it is remarkable you have been able to let yourself trust again. So much love to you! This is gonna be hard. You’re not alone, though it may feel like that at times xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 19, 2020 / 10:46 am

      Thanks L. It was massive…such a huge leap forward with trust and vulnerability. It’s just such a huge shame that we have since been through the rupture – promising to be here and then going – and now also having to navigate online which is an absolute train crash. Thank you for your support and encouragement throughout. I am hoping to try and catch up on reading blogs at the weekend. Life is manic. Are you still off work? Sending hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lucy King November 19, 2020 / 11:13 am

        Yeah I can only imagine how disregulating it has been RB. I really hope you find that you are able to have some sort of connection through the video sessions and that Anita is able to hold and contain through messages etc. It’s pure agony though, I know.

        Life is fucking crazy isn’t it. I am still off work yeah and thinking of taking the rest of the year off tbh. I have never ever done this before but it feels so needed. I feel a bit guilty but mostly just like I literally can’t have it any other way right now. Mostly I am okay but that’s only because I have stripped my life back to barely anything. Just moving from one session to another.

        Liked by 1 person

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 19, 2020 / 11:18 am

        I think sometimes you just have to listen to what you body is telling you…and your emotions. This year has been horrific in so many ways and I’m guessing this is almost a bit like a release of stress from a really traumatic time. I didn’t have a breakdown until 5 months after my dad died so I wonder if what’s happening now is everything coming to a head for you a bit. Sick pay is there to look after you – you’ve earnt it. And actually mentally committing to a block of time to repair and recharge is a good thing. I used to get signed off two weeks at a time and it was hell because I was always worried the GP would send me back to work! In the end I told her and she signed me off for two months. Do what you need to do to look after you. xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • Lucy King November 19, 2020 / 12:12 pm

        Thanks for that encouragement. I actually think you are spot on with everything you’ve said. The doc wanted to give me 6 months but that felt too long so I opted for 4 weeks at a time. It does feel like I just had a complete system crash… and work just wasn’t possible. Thanks for being supportive. x

        Liked by 1 person

  14. Chloe Ronan November 19, 2020 / 5:32 pm

    So happy for you to hear you had been having a much better experience with A and that you have been finding it so healing. It sucks that you have to go back online. Hopefully, it won’t last too long. Do you find that you are wanting more now that she has given you more or does it regulate itself? That seems to be a concern in many of the therapists’ blogs/articles that I read. My T offered me more at the start of covid and I found it actually stabilized me and I needed her and longed for her less.

    I am currently at a bit of a crossroads with my T. She is so great in many ways. So understanding, empathic, and has given me a bit in terms of sometimes I can send her short texts every once in a while. She does not really do in-between session contact, however, she will respond to a scheduling text or a brief question but does not really give support. I”ve been having intense longings for sessions that are incredibly painful. I find therapy is almost like a drug and I’m wondering if it’s time for a break (which I know I will find excruciatingly difficulty) . I just don’t know when to say I’ve had enough. Your post is making me think there could be more out there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 20, 2020 / 4:27 pm

      Thanks Chloe! Actually, like you, I have found that when I get what I need I feel way more secure and contained and need Anita less, not more. I understand the feelings and longings you are getting with your T and need for more contact/sessions. Do you think you could tell her this? It’s tricky. I suppose what I would say is be sure that you have told your T what you want and need and see what she comes back with before jumping ship. But there is definitely more out there….if it comes up short! x

      Like

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