“It’s like you’ve spent your whole life being told and believing that something is orange and here I am trying to convince you that it’s actually purple…what happened to you was not your fault RB. You were failed time and again by your caregivers. I know after what’s happened with Em that it’s going to even harder for you to trust me when I say this but your young parts have done absolutely nothing wrong. You are not too much. I am not going anywhere.”
That was the end of one of my sessions with A this last week…of which there were three! Eek.
I have lost track a bit of what’s happened since my last post, my chronology is out but that’s what lockdown has done to me – it’s just days and days and days and more endless days of the same stuff punctuated by staring at my therapist via a screen and wishing we were in person in the room!
To be fair, it’s not that bad. My day-to-day adult life is ticking along just fine. I have finished the bulk of my teaching for the summer (just going to do two sessions a week on a Monday) and we’ve had a pretty good few weeks in the nice weather as a family just chilling in the garden.
As usual, though, it’s not the ‘here and now’ that’s the problem and often what happens when my life slows down a bit is that it creates space for the old stuff, the trauma, to take centre stage. I think part of the reason stuff is coming up it is that I feel a lot closer to Anita since the session where we spoke about how massively impacted I had been by her not acknowledging some of my messages. Since then she has replied to everything I have sent – emojis are great for my young parts and a simple ‘lovely 😊’ is really enough to start to trust in the connection which has meant I have been braver in coming forward about some of the bigger things because I feel like she is there and safe.
I am so glad at A was able to listen to what I was feeling in that session, could take it all on board, and has committed to helping me in a way that works. It was so easy in the end. It’s such a contrast to how things were with Em. I feel so sad when I think about how there was never any collaboration or trying meet each other half way on things in that therapy. Everything I asked for was met with a ‘no’. And when I look back, I should have given up when even three dots midweek in a text was too much for her.
Anyway, back to me and A. I have had lots of dreams about her lately, pushing me away in various ways and have really struggled with sleep. The other day I was dithering at the beginning of the session, because you know, a bad dream makes it all feel unsafe!! A asked me how I had been sleeping. I told her ‘really badly’. And she asked me if I’d had any more dreams. It reminded me that last time I spoke about her rejecting me in a dream she had made it clear that in real life there is no way she’d respond to me or abandon me in the way she did in the dream and it was enough for me to tell her about the next one…and again she could quickly put my mind at rest which allowed us to dig into what was coming up for me in my dreams. Usual stuff…all traceable back to the motherwound!
The sessions have been good – so far as Skype goes (which is not the same as face-to-face). The only problem, of course, is that when you are nose deep ferreting through the shit together in session, it can feel like you are drowning when you are back out on your own!…hence the midweek 30 minute check in sessions over the last couple of weeks.
I woke up feeling particularly rubbish a couple of weeks ago on Wednesday – ‘Woeful Wednesday’. Bad dreams. Feeling very unsettled the moment I woke up. Trapped in that young place where there are no words and you need holding and containment but there is none. I outdid myself and sent a super cringey message with a gif:
Woeful Wednesday again. I just wish I knew why it is such a consistently terrible day x
She responded really warmly and asked me if I wanted a half hour session later that day. I absolutely did and it made a huge difference to the parts that were wobbling. Anita suggested that whilst we aren’t working face-to-face (how much longer?????) that we could experiment with having a half hour session on a Wednesday and see how that helps. It makes sense so I agreed and that’s what we’ve been doing.
I resent the fact, though, that a lot of why I feel so destabilised is lack of face-to-face contact and so I am paying a fortune every week to try and maintain some sense of connection and that I just don’t need that when there’s face-to-face. It feels like I am haemorrhaging cash to get a 5/10 connection.
I am really grateful that she is trying to accommodate me and ease things as much as possible. The session itself on Wednesday might not allow for a lot of work to get done but it seems to make the Friday session quicker to drop into and it lets the young parts see that she is still there. The object constancy stuff is being worked on by doing this – and given the struggles I am having about feeling abandoned and rejected due to the limitations of Skype, more consistent contact has been good. It’s still not as good as face-to-face though.
I’ve felt increasingly like I am reaching the end of my rope so far as online therapy goes. I mean we have been doing some good work. Or, at least, she is really getting to see the map now.
I’ve told her a lot of stuff, the trust has really built and on Monday this week I dived into the really concealed stuff around my eating disorder and how difficult exercise can be because of the tendency to use it as a method of self-harm. I’ve been really open about how hurt I feel by not being ‘loved enough’ – it stung a lot when she referred to me having ‘an empty love bucket’! and we have explored a lot of early stuff…but I just know I need to be face-to-face. I can’t really connect with the feelings because I don’t feel safe to do it when I am on my own…through a screen.
Anita said this too, she is really clear that what’s happening for me is coming from a pre-verbal place and that the feelings that are needing to be felt and processed need to be held and expressed in safety so they can’t come out like this because my protective parts don’t want to be left – they need proximity and to coregulate with a safe person. She sees it. She hears me when I say how disconnected I feel. How I miss eye contact and just ‘feeling’ the energy in the room and yet still we have not had a conversation about when we might be able to resume working together in person.
I looked at the COVID stats online yesterday for the South West – and there have been no deaths recorded in nearly 4 weeks here. There have been 32 new cases for the whole of Devon and Cornwall over the last seven days. The population of this area is roughly 1.7 million people. To me 32:1,700000 or 1:53,125 doesn’t seem like the biggest terror factor. I get that there is a risk. I get why we need to wear masks in shops etc. I have no desire to go to the high street or the local Wetherspoons…but what I don’t understand is how it is ‘safe’ enough to go to places with huge groups of strangers mixing together under the influence of alcohol and yet I can’t go sit in a therapy room 1:1 with my therapist, with the window open, and sitting 2 metres apart – (guidance is 1m+).
I wish that people understood that for some of us with these particular injuries – CPTSD – that a protracted period of feeling isolated and distanced from our ‘attachment figure’ is really fucking hard and detrimental to our metal and physical wellbeing. Like the first month of it was ugh but some therapy was better than nothing…and yet as time has gone on, it’s got harder and harder to hold what’s inside. It’s exhausting trying to keep it all together and to be honest my rubber bands and chewing gum are feeling the strain.
I think, too, as society has opened up it’s got more difficult for my young parts to understand why I still can’t see Anita. Like why can I go and get my hair cut which requires close physical proximity…or like I say, how can I go rub shoulders with strangers in a bar (if I wanted to) and yet not get support with my mental health for trauma? Like my roots can wait but my child parts that are falling apart and need contact…they really can’t hang on indefinitely.
I feel frustrated.
Like why she hasn’t even mentioned what her plans for the future might be?….like are we talking the Autumn, Winter, 2021?? The unknown is really hard. And whilst the idea of months and months more of this feels impossible I would sooner know what I am actually dealing with.
Anyway… that’s that! I didn’t expect to descend into this rant!! Whoops! Maybe I could get myself a HAZMAT suit?
Rubber Bands and Chewing Gum 
I’m really feeling the ache of no face to face therapy, too. We have met in a park twice but it isn’t the same and I feel like that monkey!! Throwing double the money at it for half the comfort…
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It’s tough isn’t it? I feel like I have run out of capacity to hold things as they are. Like my rope is now being held by a single thread. Honestly, 2020 can go do one! Take care x
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Ugh. I fucking hear you on the SW stats. I get that being in a room for an hour is more risky in terms of viral load than being in a supermarket or bar where we’re not in contact with the same people for very long, but still – wtf? I keep wanting to point out to people (K!) that it’s not ‘close contact with people’ that transmits the virus but ‘close contact with people WITH THE VIRUS’ i.e. you can’t catch it from one of the 799,800 people in our county that don’t have it, only from the 200 who do. Also, maybe it would increase the risk to be seeing lots of clients (I know if it’s airbourne it can linger in the air and transmit to later clients for example) so why can’t they just see those who HATE online therapy? The risk of seeing the clients who can’t work like this would be so miniscule. Apparently I’m K’s only client who hates it this much, I’m betting Anita doesn’t have loads of clients who hate it like we do as not even all people with attachment or complex trauma hate it this much (my sister’s clients are fine with it and they are all complex trauma clients), so why can’t they just see us!! Sorry, huge rant. I’ve been feeling kind of calm (resigned, defeated…) about it lately but actually it is totally shit. The stupid virus will make people sicker in the winter so why can’t they see clients now, while it’s summer and it is less likely to cause serious illness/death, even if we then have to switch back to online over the winter? I contacted another T and she is thinking October at the earliest she’ll be ready to work in-person as her room is pretty small and she needs to sort out a downstairs toilet arrangement. I do understand Ts not wanting lots of people trooping through their houses touching stuff and breathing everywhere, but again – why not just prioritise in-person work with certain clients?
I can really understand you just want to know how long it could be. I did feel better (eventually, after the attachment crisis) after I had asked K and she said it would be a long time. But I can understand not wanting to ask/know and waiting for A to raise it… xx
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AMEN to everything you have said. I really can’t believe that so many people are completely fine with online … which is even more reason to check in properly with those of us that aren’t and see what can be done. If there’s like two clients on a therapist’s caseload that are nutters like us then surely there must be a work around. I can’t even begin to explain the impact of covid separation more or less straight off the back of termination with Em…it’s just fucking awful. I feel like we are stuck in this impossible limbo because no matter how we see the risk or what level of risk we are prepared to take, we are ultimately beholden to them….and this again feeds into all the shit around our childhoods…lack of control, no autonomy etc and feeling like we have to behave until ‘mum’ agrees to what we want. FFS! I would be happy to meet outside in Anita’s garden even…I just want to phyically see her!! Sending you hugs and holding xxx
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Yeah, I completely agree – it really reinforces the utter powerlessness and lack of autonomy we experienced growing up. We just have to wait for them to say they’re happy to see us again. And, as you say, behave ourselves about it because if we don’t, or it looks like we are struggling too much with remote therapy, then ethically they have to stop ‘seeing’ us. I honestly don’t know how you are coping at all, you’re doing so well. At least I was in a relatively stable place before all this shit kicked off and K and I had a strong relationship at that point where I’d internalised a lot. I am losing patience now though. She said the UKCP risk assessment documents for those thinking of working in-person again are huge and complex, but surely if it was just for one or two clients then all the stuff about cross-contamination wouldn’t apply. I do think working outside could be stressful, with the weather, as it would put me on edge. But at the same time this is stressful so… The UKCP are still saying Ts should work remotely where possible – could you talk to Anita and say you’ve seen the guidelines and when would she consider working in-person with you because you are not feeling safe with continued remote work? Does she know you want face-to-face therapy and would be prepared (if she’s one of the 200!!) to take the risk? I know this sounds obvious, but might she think you hate remote work but at the same time know/think it’s a necessary evil at the moment? Does she think you’re vulnerable and therefore hate this but know there’s no choice? (I’m also thinking about some of those sessions where you’ve spent a long time moaning about people not wearing masks!! She may not realise you’re waiting on her/UKCP on this…?) Hang in there and sending hugs your way too xxx
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Yeah, maybe you’re right as I have been banging the drum a lot about people in public places and masks etc! Although I did tell her that I resumed face to face teaching three weeks ago and that I saw K (mpre on that next post) face to face this week…and how important and beneficial those experiences have been. I dunno. I guess they’ll each make decisions based on their comfort level but ugh. I will try and talk about it tomorrow. I think I will have to at some point because I can foresee me having a small meltdown over her break! haha. Some things never change. I agree working outside could have its own stresses but to have an agreement which was ‘if it’s shit weather we skype if it’s dry we’ll go face to face’ would be ok for me. I can accept that. I really feel like I am overreacting to this stuff but it’s just soooooooooooooo long to be stuck in limbo and I really needed that safe space to process Em….and that’s gone on the back burner because I just can’t do it online. FFS! Thanks for understanding x
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You are not over-reacting AT ALL. If anything I’d say you were under-reacting, in your sessions at least. I screamed at K on the phone back in June when she talked about the risk to us both that needs to be assessed when considering in-person work that my life is at risk from this!! And we’d worked together for over 4 1/2 years at the start of this remote working shit and had worked through so much attachment stuff and I still ended up a suicidal, self-harming mess when we couldn’t go there anymore/each time it became apparent we wouldn’t be meeting for a long time. Please don’t think you’re over-reacting. It’s such a long time to be holding all the Em stuff and not be able to get what you NEED from therapy. K said they’ve been told (not sure by who, maybe UKCP) not to do ‘depth work’ during the pandemic (obviously not always possible if it’s in the field already, but not to go looking for it), and if that’s the case then it is really a very long time that clients are expected to hold this stuff! I am surprised by the way UKCP are being to be honest. If cafes and theme parks can manage to do a risk assessment… On the other hand I really get it, especially after speaking to my sister who is honestly terrified at the thought of being in the same room as clients again with the viral load of being in the same room for an hour with someone who has it. And she said she can’t do therapy if she doesn’t feel safe herself… But she works in an office with other Ts so it’s a very different set up. It’s bloody complex and I hope you can ask Anita about it before her break (ugh) xx
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Also, I don’t think our Ts are being weird – very few Ts are working face-to-face and their regulatory bodies are still saying not to. My sister (in the NHS) says it’ll be a lot longer that she sees clients remotely and that the new research about Covid being spread via aerosol droplets means working in an enclosed space for an hour or more is not without risk. Being a metre away from people is not ‘safe’ if it’s for an extended period of time. It helps me to keep this in mind and remember it’s not that they are deliberately avoiding seeing us. I do think they’re very privileged to not have to return to work for financial reasons though!!
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Yeah, I think this is part of it. Some therapists will be online for a very long time and yet others won’t so it’s hard because there’s no consistency. My friend started therapy a couple of months ago and all her sessions have been in the therapist’s room face to face! I am so jealous!
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Yeah, it’s really hard knowing this is happening and not knowing what exactly our Ts are waiting for (BJ to say it’s ok, UKCP/BACP to change their guidance, eradication, a vaccine…). I get they all have different vulnerabilities, perceptions of the threat, premises, needs, etc. but it is still infuriating. I almost wish remote therapy wasn’t a thing, then they would have to return to work like everyone else is having to!!
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It’s so good to hear that Anita is really pulling out all the stops for you like this therapy wise. I am so pleased for you that you’re finally getting what you need and deserve.
I’m surprised she hasn’t mentioned face to face yet and I bet she’d be fine for you to raise it, though I understand the reasons you might have for being reluctant to.
Anita strikes me as a therapist who would really bend over backward to accommodate you though, all the parts of you, and I wonder what her thoughts are on the subject.
I can’t agree with you more about the insanity over the numbers and yet the way nothing is shifting the way it should be. It makes no sense at all whatsoever.
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Ugh! Yeah. A has been really good….but it’s just not enough you know? I’d rather have one session a week in person than 2.5 hours on a screen! I feel like I keep skirting round the edges telling her how hard it feels, she acknowledges it….but the conversation doesn’t go any further….and then it makes me wonder if she just doesn’t want to see me (inner critic!!)… x
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Sometimes we need to spell out the obvious, even to a very knowing therapist! Reminds me of how I went on and on about an extra session with Guy and it’s only just recently that we began doing in, and it’s worked magic. Totally get why you need to be face to face. I asked Guy if they (therapists) feel like that, and he reckoned they do. I’m really sorry as I feel sure we’ve talked about this before, but is meeting out for a walk in the open space an option?
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Yes. I agree. I’m going to have you bite the bullet and ask. I haven’t asked her about meeting up outside. The one limitation I can see is that she has quite a busy caseload and we wouldn’t get much time if we met up somewhere due to clients afterwards. Deep breaths!!
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I so much hope something comes of it for you.
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I’m sorry hun. I think you’re doing amazingly but face to face would be more containing.
I do agree that the risk is low if the distance is maintained in a well ventilated room. The professional bodies are all advising that face to face can resume particularly with clients who are at risk. Would one face to face session and one online per week be a manageable way of phasing it in? It does sound like you will only know if you ask Anita. I understand the fear about what the answer will be though. Sending love x 💕
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Thanks lovely. I’m just fed up, you know? It’s been months and months of it and I’ve just run out of steam with holding on and holding on. It’s played into so much of my early trauma where my mum left and was away…we’ve talked it through but the feelings aren’t getting processed. I just need a really good cry and a hug…! Hope you’re ok xxx
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Oh yes. I ran out of things to talk about in Skype therapy. I think even T realised it. I got the impression that my therapist was only going to do face to face sessions with clients who asked, but I could be wrong. It would be a shame if you’re not able to strike while the iron is hot and see if you can get a bit of a release. A few face to face sessions before the break (I saw you mention it in your previous post) would hopefully help you. You’re only going to know if you ask. 😬xx
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It does get a bit like that, doesn’t it? Like there’s only a certain depth you can go online….and then you keep circling the same things. I think part of it is impatience because I feel like we’ve done a lot of connecting and the ground work these last few months but I’m ready to go deeper and I know I need to be in the room for that. I know what’s inside needing to come out but I can’t do it staring at my lap top. I need to be in the presence of a safe human being!!
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Yep! It was helpful when it was the only choice but I believe it can be safe.
Anita might not think you would entertain face to face sessions because you have been so vocal about masks and people being out in public. She also probably won’t want to put pressure onto clients either as they may feel obliged to return if it is mentioned. Anita has asked what she can do to help, well seeing you in person is it! As long as you can rationalise the hand sanitising and knowing that she may wipe down where you sit afterwards. You’re probably going to have to forgo the physical contact so that’s another thing to rationalise.
I live in one of the worst hit areas so I have tried to take advantage of the decreasing infection rate because we don’t know what Winter may bring. Anita seems like a rational person, but it’s very difficult to know what to do.
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I definitely need to ask about how she sees things returning to face to face…. deep breaths. And yes, I will also have to think about being unable to touch etc…although I am not sure why this can’t happen really, my wife has had chiropractor and sports massages this last week and they wore masks but there is a lot of touch!!! haha. Hope you are hanging in there ok… who would have thought we’d all be navigating the apocalypse on top of everything else?! xx
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I’m on my phone so it’s hard to write much. I just wanted you to know I hear your pain and frustration and longing. It’s great, really fantastic, Anita cares and is really trying… and yet it’s not enough. I wish it weren’t this way.
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Thanks Q. I’m just so tired of feeling far away. It’s the legacy of therapy with Em. All those years sitting with her and internally screaming for her to come closer, to be held and it being a no go…Anita in our first session told me she hugs clients and sits with them if they want… and I do want… and now it can’t happen and I’m further away than ever from her. Ugh. The baby is so unsettled! 😞
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Why is Anita dragging her heels with going back to face to face? I think you have a right to ask what the plans are. We can go into people’s homes now. People are back at work. Social distancing is still a thing but that’s possible in a therapy room so what is stopping it from happening?
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I have no idea 😞
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I vote try to ask somehow. Things being up in the air is never good for those with truama history. I wonder if she thinks you’re doing okay with online and it’s holding you enough?
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I keep telling her how disconnected I feel. How I feel like I’m on the edge of the precipice about to fall into the abyss. How young parts aren’t held. I think she’s very cautious. Ugh. It’s a headache 🤕
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I think if you knew why she’s not offering face to face it might be easier to understand and move on through. It’s the unknown that throws up questions and resultant turmoil for young parts I think. A kinda “well, others have it so why can’t I” feeling that would just be very triggering for our traumatised young parts.
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I know it’s a conversation I need to have explicitly. I just don’t want to hear…2021!! And yeah, it does feel a bit like that, like ‘is it me that she doesn’t want to see face to face’ – so much fun for the traumatised young parts!! HELPPPPPPP!!!
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wow no deaths in 4 weeks… that is great. also given this good news, it is surprising to me too that she hasn’t at least broached the topic of face to face. god, if the US waits til we have no deaths for weeks on end, i’ll probably never see my therapist (or anyone else) again. i suppose that haphazard approach is why we’re still in this predicament over here.
i can really feel how painful this is for you. after the nightmare with Em, you really needed quality face to face time with A for a sustained period of time. timing sucks for you, and i’m sorry xx
the feeling is familiar for me as well. like we’ve upped sessions to two per week but it is still not enough, and every session is an internal dread.. like i’ve barely made to the end of some fucked up obstacle course and i’m relieved to see her, but instantly i’m worried because i know i’m about to return to this exhausting ordeal alone. so repetitive, so old. i wish i had it in me to tell her i’m done because video is not cutting it, but that would probably not help me.
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Oh, be assured, it’s a complete shit show in the UK too so far as COVID goes but I am lucky enough to live in an area that hasn’t been massively affected. We are now in summer holidays though and it’s a tourist hotspot so it remains to be seen if numbers will stay low or not. I really can’t stand feeling cut off. It plays so massively into the core wound of being unlovable, untouchable, and abandoned. I’m sorry you are feeling similarly. I understand how upping sessions doesn’t really change things – it’s certainly better than nothing but two online sessions is nothing like as holding as one face to face. Do you think you might be able to tell her that online is feeling not enough. Rather than being done with it all, try and have a conversation about what you need? Anita asked me the other day what she could do to help me – but she can’t give me a hug can she? So I said ‘I don’t know’. I have had some ideas since which I might discuss with her. Ah hell! What a year! Hugs to you x
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My T and I say “air hugs”. I know I’m really lucky to still be able to see her in person with masks and all…
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The energy that happens between people in a room is so huge. I’m glad you’re getting to see your T even if it is masked. Hard to believe we’re all in this predicament really isn’t it?
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Hugs. Yup. If I hadn’t worked so long with her, I would feel awful about the masks and physical distancing. But we’ve hugged for many sessions before covid, even when I was snotty from tears or sweaty from work. She and other clinicians fought hard to petition our government to allow in-person therapy for high risk clients. People could get haircuts as “essential services” but not therapy. I could NOT do telehealth in my abusive family home, and now that I’m safe, I don’t miss the lying I needed to do to attend in-person sessions. I’m a ton more safe now and could do telehealth but then the government got their shit together and listened and made psychotherapy an essential service. So those who like telehealth can continue but it’s OK to do in-person again. 🙂
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Hugs if wanted!
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Thank you 😊
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