The River

If ever there was a song to encapsulate my feelings about the therapy – as well as the end of it- with Em, then it has to be KT Tunstall’s, ‘The River’. I am a die hard KT Tunstall fan – the soundtrack to my life is basically ALL her stuff with a little bit of Sheryl Crow, Fleetwood Mac, Tom Petty, Alanis Morissette and Pink thrown in for good measure.

I’m struggling to write (or do anything much at all) at the moment. I feel completely paralysed and lethargic. I feel so empty. Lost. Depressed. Devastated. Heartbroken…by what’s happened…and yet there is still that little part of me that desperately hopes that this relationship isn’t really over, that somehow things will turn around, that I’ll wake up from this disaster zone and it’ll just be a mistake.

I am in denial.

Clearly!

It keeps me partially protected I suppose. The period of denial is running out though, because we are approaching the cut off point for the longest time Em and I have been on a break – after tomorrow I can no longer pretend to myself that we will see each other again, that it’s just been a terribly painful separation but that soon I can go back and sort stuff out. I feel like I am about to crash and burn in a spectacular way.

HEEEELLLLLPPPPPP!!!!

Anyway, I will try and collect my thoughts properly in a post tomorrow and bring everything up to speed as I’ll be sitting in the hospital most of the day waiting to find out if I am still in remission from my cancer and will have plenty of time to kill. I mean this is just exactly what I need to be doing right now feeling like this. I can’t even explain the anxiety levels that I am feeling right now. I feel like I am wedged in my seventeen year old self…it’s not ideal!

So, anyway here’s a gift of a beautiful song – lyrics below and link to YouTube beneath that and I will be back… x

The River:

I’m holding on
To something I don’t want
To hold on to
I’m reaching out
For something I can’t touch
Although I know I want to

Taking in the scenery
You’re the ghost in my machinery
When I was good as gold
I was good as gold
Closing off the avenues
To places that I never knew
And know I’ll never know
Now I’ll never go

I listen
And I hear you speak
Am I missing something?

I want to jump into the river
Feel it on my skin
But the river is rocks
And I’m already lost
And I know where I’ve been
Oh I know where I’ve been

I feel I’m caught
In a beautiful
Dream
And I’m cold
And my heart has told me
It’s a dark seam
Running through the middle of
A life that’s full of real love
And everything is mine
Everything is mine

I listen
And I hear you speak
Am I missing something?

I want to jump into the river
Feel it on my skin
But the river is rocks
And I’m already lost
And I know where I’ve been

Yes I know where I have been.

18 thoughts on “The River

  1. LovingSummer February 25, 2020 / 6:34 pm

    Hey RBCG,
    It’s a cool song! I can see why you like it.
    Just wanted to let you know I want to wish you all the best for tomorrow’s hospital consultation. Really really really hope it’s such good news for you.
    Will also be looking forward to your next post (as I’m sure we all will be!) 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum February 25, 2020 / 7:44 pm

      Ah thank you. I’m really anxious about tomorrow so will be very glad when it’s over. I could just use a bit of a break from feeling bombarded with stressful stuff!

      Liked by 1 person

      • LovingSummer February 25, 2020 / 10:45 pm

        I can well imagine. I think everyone has everything crossed for you, I know I have! 🤞🏼😊

        Liked by 2 people

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum February 27, 2020 / 4:17 pm

        Thank you. The was a delay on bloods so I still don’t know what’s going on! Fun!

        Like

      • LovingSummer February 27, 2020 / 6:18 pm

        Oh bollocks! Gotta Love the good ole NHS sometimes…🙈

        Liked by 1 person

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum February 27, 2020 / 6:22 pm

        Yeah – they used to get bloods turned round in half an hour … everything is a saturation point!

        Like

      • LovingSummer February 27, 2020 / 7:20 pm

        My old work colleagues tell me horror stories and I used to think they were just trying to soften the blow of not being able to work, but actually have realised it’s all true and it’s as dire as it sounds!

        Liked by 1 person

      • rubberbandsandchewinggum February 27, 2020 / 9:30 pm

        Yeah- it was terrible going through treatment in 2015 but I dread to imagine what it would be like now 😔

        Like

  2. JH February 25, 2020 / 7:02 pm

    The denial part and trying to pretend you still have contact is so relatable to me. Have you seen your new therapist lately? I hope your hospital appt goes ok xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum February 25, 2020 / 8:27 pm

      Yeah – it’s crap isn’t it? I’ve seen Anita once a week since this all hit the fan but am going to try two sessions as of mid March. My craniosacral therapist has been away for a month but is back Thursday so hoping that eases things a bit. Ugh. I’ll be so glad to get to thursday – bloody hate the hospital! X

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Lucy King February 26, 2020 / 1:54 pm

    We have the same taste in music. I saw KT live last year. Great gig 🎸 and fleetwood mac a couple of years ago. That was the best concert I’ve ever been to.

    I hope things went well btw. Been thinking a lot about you and wishing you well through the cosmos… hoping things are feeling a little lighter.

    Liked by 1 person

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum February 27, 2020 / 4:20 pm

      I’ve seen so many times. So brilliant live! I’ve seen Fleetwood Mac too. Stevie Nicks blew my mind. Awesome! Things are still really hard but I had an amazing craniosacral session today … unfortunately tutoring tonight when I just want to curl up in a ball! Hope you’re ok xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lucy King February 27, 2020 / 5:00 pm

        Ahhh I relate! Hope tutoring passes quickly and the curled up ball can happen later. I’m alright thanks 💕💕

        Like

  4. droppingintome February 26, 2020 / 3:47 pm

    I hope things at the hospital went okay today (yesterday? Not sure given the time difference)

    Liked by 1 person

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum February 27, 2020 / 5:02 pm

      Thanks Hun. Hospital was ugh and bloods were delayed so don’t actually have any results yet but suppose they’d have called if there was anything off!

      Liked by 1 person

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