Hi guys,
It’s been a while since I made it here to post anything. I will catch up with the last couple of months soon. Suffice to say it’s been hard and I have been stuck in a hole and haven’t really been able to do very much other than get through the day-to-day dodging panic and anxiety attacks – and that hasn’t been a wholly successful enterprise I can tell you. My brain has had no capacity to write BUT that changed yesterday and so here I am with something a little different to usual.
For a bit of context, I am an avid listener of the ‘We Can Do Hard Things’ podcast with Glennon Doyle (love), Abby Wambach (swoon) and Amanda Doyle (is she my twin?!) – honestly these women get me through the week most weeks. The topics they address, the raw vulnerability and honesty they bring, the humour, the love, and the brilliant guests they have (Brene Brown, Liz Gilbert, Lindsay C. Gibson…endless list of brilliance) lifts me out of my life and makes me feel like there are kindred spirits out there – the pod squad! I really recommend finding this podcast if you haven’t already and giving it a whirl. It never disappoints.
Anyway, recently the wonderful Elizabeth Gilbert was on talking about something she’d begun as a daily practice called ‘Letters From Love’ – you can find her on her Substack page:
Basically, the premise is you ask Love what it would have you know…and you listen and then you write it down. And frankly, it’s mind-blowing what comes out. Some people would say that this is their God Self, or from an Internal Family Systems (IFS) lens it would be the Self, others might say it’s Source, Spirit, The Universe…Love… whatever… but what it is the wise, knowing, benevolent voice that we so often miss and can be so drowned out by the negative, critical voices that are SOOOOO Fucking loud! It’s the one we could all do with finding. It reminds me a bit of the posts I wrote to my seventeen year old self in 2018 and 2023 but better?! I don’t know.
I’ll post link to the first podcast here and from there you’ll be able to find the others as they are so worth a listen if you have time – the episodes you want are 268, 269, 281:
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/we-can-do-hard-things/id1564530722?i=1000640284400
And here’s what came up for me – in twenty minutes- uncurated, unedited, just how it was… and honestly, I am going to do this more often. Give it a go. You may get a short message, or you may get loads…the lovely thing is, that voice is there, residing inside all of us, if only we dare to look.
Big love to you all xxx
Dear Love, what would you have me know today?
It’s funny, RB, you’ve been yo-yoing for weeks now – flipping between asking me to come to you so you can hopefully hear the words that you so badly need to hear (but wonder if I will even tell you), or instead whether to spend your time writing a piece called, ‘Inadequate’ for your blog. I can tell you I am so glad you chose to come to me today although I know that other piece is bubbling up inside you, too and that’s fine – there is space for all of you with me.
You may feel inadequate. You may see nothing but evidence in the world around you to prove this narrative to yourself, but I can assure you are not inadequate. Far from it. You are not even simply ‘adequate’… I see you roll your eyes at that, but I hope one day you will see how truly brilliant you are. Your light shines in so many ways and yet you feel like you are trapped in darkness and coated in shame as thick as tar. That darkness isn’t yours though, honey. And I promise you that the brightest, whitest, most spectacular blinding light is there waiting, like me, ready to banish that darkness for good if you’ll let it.
The shame you feel is not yours to carry, either little one. You can set it down and know that all of you is worthy, all of you is lovable, and all your feelings are valid. You are, after all, a perfectly imperfect human being. You are meant to be a mess. You are meant to figure it out as you go along. You are meant to make mistakes. You are you, and you need be nothing more or less than who you are. The vulnerable, needy, scared, loving, loyal, cynical, raging, despondent, lazy, perfectionist …the list goes on and on… parts are all welcome and I love ALL of them – I love all of YOU – no matter what that critical voice inside your head tells you. You are enough. More than enough. Just as you are.
I know no one ever explained all this to you – in fact you’ve been drilled with the total opposite, “ace the test”, “be perfect”, “be strong”, “have a plan”… and so you’ve spent your life trying to meet totally unrealistic expectations placed on you by others in the hope that if you played exactly by the rules then you’d finally win the love and approval of those that you should NEVER have had to prove yourself to in the first place. You’ve valiantly risen to the challenge, but I think you’ve also realised that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you strive, or how much of yourself you sacrifice it will never be enough for some people.
The lesson, here, love, is to look inside and listen to me. Know this: there is nothing you could ever do that would make you ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’ for me. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved. It is ok to rest. It is ok to play. You do not need to be endlessly productive to prove your worth. If you completely unravelled and failed to function (which I know you fear) it would still be ok. Honestly it would. And you know what? Sometimes we need to break a bit to be able to rebuild better. We’d fill your cracks with gold and your scars would be the very thing that shine.
I know you’ve been put off reaching out – or in – to me because you wondered whether I would even be there, wondered whether I would have anything to say to you, or in searching for me you might find only a silent black void proving once and for all that you are as completely and totally alone as you feel. You couldn’t face another one of your calls for care and reassurance going unanswered. Rejection and abandonment have been so much a part of your journey and I understand your need to self-protect sometimes even if hiding yourself and favouring isolation keeps you trapped in the darkness. I want you to know that even in the darkest times I have been with you. Darling, I am always with you. I always have been, and I always will be. Whenever you speak to me, I will answer. I may not tell you what you want to hear but what I say will always be exactly what you need to know. I promise you that.
I want you to know that I see and know all the hurting places inside you. I know how you struggle to keep going when you seem to hit wall after wall. You feel like the unluckiest crash test dummy in the world – the one that never wholly breaks and so keeps being tested time and again. I know you are tired. I know you are weary. I know that you feel like you are on empty. But you’re still here. It’s miraculous, really. You hate the word resilient but that’s what you are. So many people would have given up (and I know you nearly have sometimes) and yet your dogged determination – and let’s be honest here, your belief in love and your massive heart, has meant you keep showing up over and over– for you, for your family, for your friends and that is commendable…no… it’s remarkable.
In a world that can feel so devoid of love and care your complete refusal to give up hope and your commitment to opening up your heart even if that means continuing to risk heartbreak is EVERYTHING. It is your softness that is your strength. Despite the hurt you have experienced in life you still believe in the power of connection. You still feel the biggest gift in life is the connection you make with others. I see too, the hard work you are putting in with yourself. You know yourself so well now, and this relationship to yourself will serve as an anchor in the stormiest of seas…and let’s be real here, you hate boats and the sea is always rough so good going, girl – you’re well prepared!
So, my love, what do I want you to take from this?
I want you to know that I am always with you in those dark places. Those lonely places. The times when you feel like you cannot go on. I have been waiting for you to come to me, or rather, take a chance on believing that I might be here for you and to tell you that you, too, are worthy of love. I am here for you. I love you. So much. But, my darling, you are here for you too – and you are all you need in this world. I promise I am alongside for the journey and you are not, and will never be, alone.
Rubber Bands and Chewing Gum 
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