Since last week when I opened the box with Elle and received the rather lack lustre apology from Anita my brain has been looping thinking about all the things she could have said, or should have said, or maybe more what I would have liked to have heard in the ideal world.
Over the years I have got pretty good at writing letters to my therapists when they won’t engage (honestly, it really feels like a me problem sometimes!) trying to process and get closure when they won’t help me with that. I think the one I wrote to Em ‘Kind Regards (And F*ck You)’ stands out in my mind!! lol. But actually, this time I need to give myself some words to move through the end with Anita when she very clearly won’t. I guess it’s a kind of written empty chair exercise.
So, Anita, this is what you could have said. Best wishes…or maybe…lukewarm regards RB x :
Dear RB,
I am sorry that I haven’t felt able to meet with you during the last eighteen months to give our work and the relationship we had the end it deserved and to return your things to you in person. I haven’t known how to deal with what’s happened with you and me, knowing how much I hurt you, and the more time that has passed the harder it has got to return to it and look at what went wrong. You know I am good at avoiding things that are uncomfortable!
I know that I have let you down and I should have done better. You placed your trust in me and I have shattered that trust – I am sorry. I can understand how being stuck in limbo for so long and my inability to properly engage with you will have caused you even more pain on top of what was already there from last year. No one comes to therapy to end up worse than they did when they started, and knowing what had already happened to you with Em I can only apologise for doing you more harm.
I know that May 2023 was terrible, and the couple of years leading into that if I am really honest. I fucked up. I lost control of your therapy and my feelings and things got really blurred between us. You should never have had to hold so much of what was going on for me just to be in the therapy with me – and I know that this is a total reenactment of how it was for you as a child.
I should have taken your advice and taken more supervision and gone into personal therapy when stuff started going wrong with my mum and wider family and I felt like I was burning out. Instead, I chose to walk down the path of denial ignoring all the warning signs that my life was blowing up around me and pretended for as long as I could that I was coping (in between my mini breakdowns with you).
I know you noticed that things weren’t right when I was in my ‘head in the sand’ periods and told me over and over – and rather than have to face the truth of what you were saying and feeling, I made out that it was you being too sensitive and wrong. I know I apologised for this when I last saw you, but I see now how my “you were right, you saw it before I did” wasn’t a good enough sorry when actually the last eight months of our time together was frequently an exercise in gaslighting. I am sorry that my avoidance of my own mess left you constantly second-guessing what was going on and endlessly triggering you. You were right. Things were different and I had changed.
I know that how I have behaved towards you will feel rejecting and abandoning… devastating… especially to the young parts of you whom I made so many promises. What has happened must feel very confusing for them. I am sorry that I couldn’t provide a space for you to be able to express these feelings and work through what ending meant to you. You deserved better than this – especially given the unexpected losses you have experienced in the past.
I have sent back your books today and I have included the ‘Rabbit Listened’ not because I don’t want it, but because it is a symbol of so much of the work we did together. Thank you for trusting me with you for all those years. I am sorry that you have been left holding so much as a result of my inability to handle my situation.
I know that you probably now wonder if any of our relationship was real given how it has been since we last saw one another. It was. My love and care were real. I just reached a point in my life where I couldn’t cope with anything or anyone outside of my immediate unavoidable life demands and actually, in truth, I’m not even handling those well even now.
You were the collateral damage as everything blew up around me and that should never have been the case. I should have stopped my therapeutic work months before I took the decision to end with you and other long-term clients. I was doing a disservice to you and others and not working ethically when I was hanging on by a thread. I see that now and I can only apologise.
I am also so so sorry that I left you with no support last year knowing how massively this was all going to impact you. Given the type of deep relational/attachment work we were doing together and the frequency of our sessions, as well as the sheer length of time that we had been working together, I absolutely should have ensured that you had someone to help you in the immediate aftermath given I was unable to hold an ending. I should have made sure there was a safety net to catch you.
It’s not an excuse, but I was so caught up in my own survival that I totally neglected to safeguard you. I am pleased to hear that you were able to source your own support but I am again sorry that I failed you so badly – I should have done better.
I know that you know that I am still working and I know how this feels painful to you especially as I have not met with you to end. I can really understand how it must feel abandoning and rejecting to see my advertising for clients and seemingly taking on work that is similar to ours. I can understand that this would be really upsetting and perhaps even make you feel angry.
The truth is, I am ashamed of what I did to you and I don’t feel competent or confident enough to handle the very delicate situation between us now. I think I will only make things worse and set you back and I really don’t want to cause any more harm than I already have.
You told me that it felt like I had cut my end of the invisible string. I didn’t mean to. I disconnected from myself first and then went wild with my scissors and very little of anything remains intact. I know it’s not much comfort but this was never about you. It wasn’t your fault. I know nothing can make this right but please know that I am truly sorry. I hope that one day you might be able to forgive me.
With love and care,
Anita.
Rubber Bands and Chewing Gum 
I so wish she’d have said all of this and more. You deserved a proper apology. Not a half hearted one. Big hugs, sweetie, I hope your ok, xoxo
LikeLiked by 2 people
I know. Me too. I so wish she’d have dredged up something and found it in her heart to suck up her discomfort and meet with me and say goodbye properly. It’s really crap. X
LikeLiked by 2 people
At the very least….I’m sorry
LikeLiked by 2 people
To be fair she did say she was “sorry things turned out as they did” but… 🫠 I mean it’s hardly 10/10 for effort!
LikeLike
That is EXACTLY what she should have said,i hope she reads this one day. In my experience when therapists f’k up they are terrified of being sued or complained about so run away. I think you are amazing seeing so clearly what should have happened. Take care.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ah thank you 🙏- she won’t ever read it … although maybe I should send it to her in a voice note 😜
LikeLiked by 1 person
I would seriously consider sending it to her. You don’t owe her anything, but I think it would help her to read this.
LikeLiked by 1 person
If she was a better reader then I absolutely would but she’d struggle to get through the first couple of paragraphs and then give up which is why whenever I wrote stuff before I’d have to record it as a voice note … 😫 I agree, it would be a useful lesson in what an apology should look like after the absolute shit show that this has been. I’m totally exhausted and on emotional empty now 😭
LikeLike
Omg this was SO good! That letter was year of healing work that YOU did fully laid out and only shows how you have rocketed past the ones that have hurt you. This healed something inside me that never got the closure I deserved and needed when I had a therapist end our work together abruptly similar to your experience. Wow!! Thank you SO much for this blog and all the writing and processing you do. I relate to SO much! And also cheers to the those of us whose early trauma has helped hone our skills and insights into levels of understanding relationships that is nearly superhuman! We sense things way beyond what many can imagine. We see it coming and we are all the more hurt when they are so clueless! xoxo
LikeLiked by 3 people
Oh wow. Thank you for this 😊. I’m so glad you liked it and it helped you. And I’m so pleased that my random ramblings resonate… I think… I mean let’s be real it’s not great that anyone feels like this but it certainly is nice to know we’re all not completely alone in this. Take care xx
LikeLike
To be fair, Dear RB, I fucked up, I’m sorry, A would have been an improvement on what she ended up writing, but yeah, this is exactly the sort of thing that really an ending should have been about, and you’re left doing the processing with Elle. (Which thank goodness but totally not fair of Anita to let her crap be passed over for another therapist to pick up the pieces of). Seeing love 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think anything that had felt vaguely honest and vulnerable would have gone a long way to helping it feel less shit rather than the stock cut and paste sentences. It’s really quite a head fuck having this from her when this is not in the least bit how she was with me. 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, you’ll be desperately looking for any glimpse of A as the woman you knew, and she just isn’t there anymore.
When my old T did an A she sent a sentence email with ‘I wish you all the best with your future endeavours’ like it was a bloody job application. I cried and cried and cried. Daft. I’m not sure we ever fully heal from the trauma caused by therapy harm, because it’s a special kind of awful, but I do think it can become so much easier to handle with a T like Elle who can try and tend to the awful wounds they’ve left xx
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ooofff the variation on “I wish you well for the future” is so crap isn’t it? It’s straight from the ‘Little Book Of Stock Phrases For Therapists’ and whilst it’s probably meant well, feels so cold and detached. I can really understand why you cried – because same… Sending you huge hugs 🤗 – ping me over that email when you get a chance and I’ll help you find someone who doesn’t have that book on their shelf…x
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can’t really add anything to what’s already been said, but I too received a 2 line email ending with the words “I wish you well”. With absolutely no warning, after 5 years of therapy. No closure, no ending, no chance to say goodbye. No respect, no regard for my feelings, and no hint of any explanation as to why.
The pain was – and still is – like nothing I have ever experienced before. There are so many feelings at knowing she is still out there somewhere, merrily carrying on with her life, having simply walked away and left me drowning, with a wound in my heart which will be there forever.
To everyone dealing with this indescribable hurt, I send you my support and stand right there with you.
Thank you RB for continuing to share, and thereby validating the absolute horror of it all xx
LikeLiked by 3 people
I am so sorry that this has happened to you (and so many others). It really is just appalling and ridiculously common – sadly. It’s a really bitter pill to swallow on so many levels and I think a complicating factor is the shame that comes up as a result of it all. It’s very hard to talk about with anyone that hasn’t been in therapy because honestly most people think it’s like going to the dentist and why on earth would you care? But for those of us who’ve been there – WE KNOW and it really is just the most fucking horrific pain. Big hugs x
LikeLiked by 1 person
❤️🤗❤️
LikeLike
Such a good letter. Scotcare summed it up actually. They run away if they fear a complaint. They actually care more about saving themselves than they do about client safety. (Not the good ones…but the ones lacking depth or confidence)
Ive written a similar letter, I wonder how many of us here have done the same?
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yeah you’re definitely right. But I also think there’s something about emotionally cutting off and once they make it in their head that they’re done with us, that’s it.
I reckon there’d be a good few of these letters- I mean I probably have a book’s worth just on this blog 🫠🥹😅
LikeLiked by 1 person
yep i was promised six sessions notice to end and didn’t get six seconds. she has closed her private practice now i am very glad to say. boundaries were all over the place. i am doing EMDR with a proper professional now. sad its a common occurrence.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s just… sooooo… fucking….CRAP. I’m so sorry. It really is just completely shocking but also not, because it happens ALL THE TIME. I’m so glad EMDR is working out for you. Em tried to do that with me and just didn’t set things up right and so actually now the very thing that should have desensitised me is a trigger on top of what I was supposed to process. Ffs. 🤦♀️
LikeLiked by 1 person
all.the.time 🙋♀️
LikeLiked by 2 people
ah sorry to hear that,i hope i didn’t trigger you mentioning it. Another ‘ all the time ‘ therapists doing things they aren’t qualified or experienced for. By the way I handled the end with less patience !
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha. She’s an accredited EMDR practitioner. She just should never have tried to use it with me when I was in the place I was. The groundwork of basic safety and having parts on board wasn’t there. I know it is meant to be really good when done right so I’m super glad it’s helping you ☺️. Oh, ‘less patience’ … did you let rip?! X
LikeLiked by 1 person
not at all Scotcare. Just interesting to read!
LikeLiked by 1 person
RB, that’s horrendous, the lack of safety. Let rip ? A tad 😂!
LikeLiked by 2 people