Month: July 2024

The Struggle Is Real

rubberbandsandchewinggum20 Comments

*not my finest hour of writing!

I think I might be having a breakdown guys…honestly, I am just so fucking sick of living in my head right now. (Tell it like it is, eh, RB?!). I actually don’t really even know where to begin because it’s just fucking whining, really – another big heap of ‘woe is me’. And frankly, who cares? No one wants to listen to this crap AGAIN. I certainly don’t!

The place I am in right now is driving me mad so why burden anyone else with this endless bullshit? I am so bored of feeling this way – bored of myself – bored of ending up stuck in this shitty emotional place time and again – I’m just so fucking bored of the perpetual fucking struggle to be alive. Like what’s the point?! Ooffff. It’s tough. And, it seems, exceptionally sweary today!

Deep breaths… count to…eleventy billion… think of the sea… imagine your feet on the sand…distract with music…take a bath…light a candle and try not to burn the house down!

Nope. That’s not working today. Fucking useless bullshit grounding exercises. Lol! I don’t need that. What I need someone to take hold of my hand, breathe with me, BE WITH ME, and help me regulate.

Actually, really, what I really want is Anita (the old one not the new faulty Shein version). I want to be safe in her arms, to listen to her regular rhythmic heartbeat, to feel her steady breathing, breathe in her familiar safe smell, and to be able to properly rest. I want for her to read me some of our stories, and to look at the pictures together…and not feel like any of that is weird or too much. I miss it, and her, such a lot.

Being endlessly hypervigilant is exhausting. To think I used to see Anita twice and week and get that consistent co-regulation, it’s not surprising that after fourteen months without her/it I am at breaking point. I so want a safe place to put down all the shit and be…seen and held…as I am…and right now – ‘as I am’ is in a right state. The littles are not ok but to be fair, none of me is ok. Adult has been through the wringer recently and there’s just nothing left to hold me together. My rubber bands have perished and snapped, and the chewing gum is dried out, rock hard, and now crumbling.

I’m done.

It’s hard not to keep spiralling downwards when you feel completely hopeless. I feel like perhaps this is bottom – again. But as I have said many times before, there always seems to be a few extra trapdoors ready to fall down through!

I think this blog is something like seven years old now – and what’s different from back at the start, really? Some of you have been here since the very beginning and have been alongside me for what?…three failed therapies…some growth (perhaps)… but essentially it’s the same old me tapping away at the keys struggling with the same old shit. Here I am, once again, circling the emotional drain and on the limits of what I can reasonably manage. And you know what? – it’s really depressing. I’ve tried so hard to get myself into a better place over the years but look where we are…

Slow clap RB. ‘A’ for effort ‘E’ for execution.

In some ways, this, this…’bonkers rage depression crap spew’ today… is probably really needed – and yet writing has been out of reach for a while now. I just can’t even bring myself to turn on the laptop…even if writing is helpful a lot of the time. There have been no words.

This last week or so I’ve been almost paralysed with depression and that awful attachment panic and disconnect that the young parts struggle with so much. It’s been pretty rough for the last few weeks but reached its peak on Thursday and that upset of – what? – abandonment, rejection, all that horrific stuff – has been visceral. When it’s like that I’m instantly thrown into the cold, grey wasteland and my three-year-old self is terrified. It completely overtakes me. There is no adult self to help, and it feels incredibly isolating.

I stupidly looked back over some messages from Anita and the instant physical pain in my chest and stomach was immense and I just fell apart crying. Everything caught up with me. There’s such a lot of grief still to process…and probably, new grief coming if we can ever find a time to meet and end but I’ll save that stuff for another, more together post! But suffice to say, the moment I get anywhere close to that stuff I’m done for. It’s been too much to hold for too long now and I guess life throwing in a whole lot of stress has meant that my capacity to hold this stuff just isn’t there.

Alongside all this, the desire to reach out and connect with Elle has been huge but there’s another part of me that wants to run for the hills and never see her again at the moment. I get this is because actually my need for connection is sooooo BIG and so the fear of not being met where I need her to meet me, or worse being completely ignored, or in some way rejected feels too much. It’s a mess. I’m so sensitive to even the slightest hint of rejection … or no… just subtle shifts in energy…that it’s a disaster. Any normal person wouldn’t even notice this stuff…because it’s probably not even there – but… ugh…complex trauma is just the gift that keeps on giving isn’t it?

It’s embarrassing to even have to try and explain why I feel like this because from the outside there would seem to be nothing wrong at all between Elle and I…because there really isn’t anything wrong! In fact, so much is really right – and this is where I begin to despise my wonky brain and the attachment trauma and the legacy that Em and Anita and Hannah have left for me in terms of therapy, and trust, and *all the things*.

Honestly, when I look back over the last few months with Elle it has been so good on so many levels…and then…my system has to go and complicate it all.

You know what it’s like – when you feel really close to someone for a moment, that’s how you want it to feel *always*, and any perceived slight difference in the room feels rejecting. (EVEN if there IS NO DIFFERENCE other than sitting in a fucking chair that she’s sat in ALL YEAR!)

I imagine you’re all thinking, ‘What the fuck are you talking about RB??!’

Ok, so here we are again…been here before…no change there, then! Ugh.

Some of you might remember how after about nine months when I was working with Anita, we’d reached a place where the walls came down and there were those mammoth sessions where the young parts finally made it into the room and Anita held me and told me she loved me? It was incredible and did amazing things for my nervous system.

But then one day she started a session back in her chair rather than beside me on the couch and I immediately felt far away and disconnected from her. I was thoroughly dysregulated and then dissociated because all the parts that so desperately needed proximity and physical reassurance saw the distance between us in our chairs as a signal that something was now wrong, that the young parts weren’t palatable, and I must be too much. I think she had a cold or something and didn’t want to pass it on, but I saw it as a rejection. It felt horrid.

And of course, none of it was about rejection or abandonment but my system is hard-wired to view things in this way. Fortunately, I was able to bring that to Anita and from then on, we had it that she’d sit beside me on the couch this is how it was for the next three years.

Yep… so I’m in the same fucking mire again… only this time with a couple more episodes of being abandoned and rejected under my belt and so the sensitivity levels are massively high and so it feels really difficult addressing this with Elle.

A few weeks ago, around the anniversary of my dad dying, I left my session and literally within seconds had that crushing feeling of separation anxiety and panic. I had wanted to ask Elle for a hug in the session because my system was going mental but instead False Adulted my way through the session and I left with a hug – but we all know a goodbye hug is not the same…in fact sometimes it feels really hard because that closeness is so short-lived and then you’re out in the world again.

Anyway, July is always a shitty month but that day I really couldn’t see how I was going to get through the next week in one piece and less than an hour later sent Elle a message telling her that I was in a mess and asking if she had any space to see her again that week. I have really noticed lately that one session a week is just a little bit of a bridge too far. By Friday I am on my knees and it’s a real struggle – it’s the object constancy stuff and it really fucking causes me difficulties. Elle works online and face to face, but she didn’t have an f2f that week. She offered a zoom call as stop gap or if I’d prefer, said I could write to her, and she’d reply.

I decided that a zoom call probably wouldn’t help because actually what I really wanted in that moment is to be in the same physical space as her. So often I’ve found online triggers my system when I am like that…it almost makes it worse. I guess maybe it would be good to try again at some point as it might feel different with Elle and be helpful -but it didn’t feel right then.

My brain has been so frazzled lately that writing has been almost impossible – but I did manage to send something late that night explaining how lost I felt and how the minibus is out of control. It was ok but the next morning I realised that the bit I really needed to say was missing and so sent it:

Oh and I think the bit that’s missing is that actually because it feels so bad internally right now there’s huge anxiety about being too much. Because actually when I see you, I feel really far away and feel like I just want to be next to you and hold your hand so I don’t drift away.

It’s weird. It can feel so risky sending this sort of vulnerable message in the moment because I completely forget ALL the lovely messages and things that Elle has said in the time we’ve been working together and how accepting of me and whatever I bring she is. Like how can I not remember that she replied to my message telling her that I love her with ‘I love you too’? and all the other incredibly holding attuned messages over the last year?

I know it’s my brain trying to keep me safe but it’s actually a hindrance – especially when I feel like I do now- because I really struggle to dredge any of this up to the surface and just see her as someone who doesn’t care – and barely exists. As much as this blog today has been a sweary rant so far, it’s actually done me some good because I have remembered this and some other things…and that actually has settled something a tiny bit.

Phew.

That day she responded with the most perfect holding message. I hope she wouldn’t mind me putting this here – but it feels important – to remind me that there is good. I actually feel like I should make a scrapbook of our emails and text for when I am having a meltdown!:

Sitting next to each other and holding hands seems like a really good place to start. Maybe we could do that when I see you next?

When I was reading your description I remembered how my mum used to always tell me that – if I ever got lost – that I should go back to the last place I saw her and wait there, and that she would find me. Maybe we can work out a safe place where we can always return to to find each other, and then breathe together for a good long while as well. It’s incredible to me how learning to breathe in using my whole lungs and then breathe out super slowly like I’m trying to move an invisible toy sailboat has an almost immediate effect on my nervous system. It’s like having a release valve on all the internal pressure.

I like your (horrible) mini-bus analogy, even though driving the bus and being responsible for the safety of all those passengers feels like a lot, especially when you’re well into overtime having already driven a full day’s shift. 

I know these are just words and that you’re reading them not hearing them, so it’s that much harder to feel them, but you are safe with me. I am a safe person, because I know very well how to keep myself safe and I work really hard at it all the time.

Not everyone is good at keeping themselves safe, because from the outside it can sometimes look like the opposite of ‘really caring deeply’ which invites judgment (both internal and external), but it’s an essential skill in order to show up again and again and to be able to tell you with authority and total honesty that I’m here and will continue to be here for you. 

Waiting in the safe place. 

With a Chupa-Chup.

Elle x

There has been such a lot of this over the last few months that…I suddenly feel a bit of a wally for wobbling like I am now. To feel so much upset and disconnect when there is so much evidence that there is no disconnect is really hard. But this is the problem with parts when they take over and adult loses the capacity to hold them and be alongside.

I get that some of this horrible feeling of panic and fear of being abandoned will be complicated by the fact that Elle and I have a break coming up soon. Adult me has no problems with this – of course – but the young parts are just not ok at all…because it opens up space for more of *this*.

I really don’t want the young parts to be in long-term distress so that the protectors feel the need to step in and go on bouncer duty. The young parts have experienced too much pain for too long now and the protectors have come online to do what they think they do best…but it isn’t best. It’s not helpful. Attacking myself and unpicking anything good with Elle isn’t protective. It’s damaging.

I hate this!

It’s insane to see notice how different I feel writing now, to when I started an hour ago…yikes…but I have had weeks of really vocal young and protector parts and seemingly have lost my grip on adult and that’s what comes out. Frustration, upset, despondency, hopelessness… and I get it. Adult feels it all too – but just not quite to the point of feeling like self-harm might be a good idea… ugh.

Anyway, back to the stuff about seats putting the heebie-jeebies into the system.  After my reaching out to Elle that week I just about made it through to Tuesday and by that point realised that I really needed to do something to help the young parts – alongside holding hands. I sent Elle a text on the morning of our session and asked if maybe we could look at doing something with a transitional object. She responded that she loved the idea and would bring in some things unless I had any particular ideas of what I wanted.

After all the hell with the pebbles with Em and the months of shit round that, it felt really nice that Elle had responded so positively and as though it wasn’t a weird thing to request. I know Anita had always been amazing with this kind of thing but it’s hard to know how people will respond and it’s easy to hold on to the worst-case scenarios and panic.

That week between sessions seemed quite massive in lots of ways. There’d been between session contact that felt like it really moved things along. I had taken more steps towards Elle and opened up more about the struggles I was having and now we were going to do a transitional object… and we all know transitional objects are really for the littles so I guess this was my way of showing Elle that there are parts in the mix now that require attention.

When I arrived, Elle sat straight down beside me on the couch and pulled me in for a cuddle. It was exactly what I needed. Only, typically, it was a warm day and I felt too hot! So, as much as I would have loved to have stayed snuggled in close I couldn’t. Instead, we sat together, I leant up against her, and she got out some items that she had brought that she thought might be good transitional objects. She told me the stories behind each of them and then put them on the table and I reached for her hand and held it. It felt really lovely, and my system settled right down.

Of course, when it came time to leave, I picked the soft toy option. A little mouse called Monty.

I think Elle had sprayed him with her perfume because he smelled really nice- it’s fading a bit now so I think I may have to be brave RB and ask her if that is what she’d done and if she might do it again before her holiday…and if I am wrong, I can just die in a pit of shame can’t I?!

I decided to make Monty his own Instagram account and take pictures of him out and about…because I am completely fucking unhinged! After the first week I shared the link with Elle. She responded really positively to it and actually it felt really connecting. Like maybe I am not a complete weirdo and she gets it? Or maybe she’s just kind! Lol.

If any of you want to see what Monty is up to then this is the link:

https://www.instagram.com/montys_awesome_adventures?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==

hmmm not sure that’s working but the handle is montys_awesome_adventures

As I said, off the back of all that it’s opened up a lot of the young stuff inside again. So, imagine the bloody horror of walking into the last two sessions and Elle sitting in her seat across from me and the table being there between us. The table isn’t a new thing, but it does always feel like a barrier between Elle and I.

So, yeah, the distance thing has triggered my system into this fucking mess…well, not just that, but it certainly hasn’t helped. It’s ironic really – I’m probably closer to Elle than I have ever been but because of that, my vulnerability is off the charts. The moment the hurt parts and needy parts have been properly exposed the whole thing has blown up… but it’s not surprising that my system would want to protect me – I don’t want to be hurt again. More than ever, I need proximity and reassurance until the littles and the rest of my system understand that they are not imminently going to be dumped. I don’t think Elle would have even the slightest clue that this is what’s going on behind the scenes.

Although, maybe she does… the other day she referred to something in session that I hadn’t told her that she could only have found out from Monty’s page. I have absolutely no problem with that at all – in fact I think that it might be a really useful tool for Elle to see what I am posting via Monty…as it gives an insight into what’s really going on. But then this made me think about this blog.

Does Elle ever read it? She has the link to it, and I’ve sent her specific posts before to read. But I wondered the other day if she’s ever gone off and read any other the other stuff here. It’s in the public domain after all.

When I first approached her with the idea of maybe working with her, I obviously mentioned the blog straightaway and what had happened with Hannah because I needed to be sure that whomever I chose as my next therapist would be ok with me writing about my experiences of therapy. I didn’t want to get two months in to work again and then be told it wasn’t ok.  Elle said she was completely fine with my writing and also asked if she might have the link just because she’s interested in MH regardless of whether we ended up working together.

Thinking about this the other day I realised that there are probably quite a few posts that I have written that I would really like Elle to read because I think it would give her a good insight into what it’s been like for me –  you know, the uncurated mess of it all!…and then there are others where I would probably want to the ground to open up and swallow me whole if she were to read them…which probably means they would also be useful for her to read! It would be nice for her to see some actual writing rather than ranting…which is really what this blog has descended into this last year or so!!

Tbh I can’t imagine she has the time or energy to read any of this, but I know I would find it really hard to know that someone might be writing about me and no want to see what was being said!! Lol.

Anyway, this is long… and… bumpy! If you made it to the end – kudos to you.

Next week will be a year since Elle and I started working together and I think it’s safe to say the work has well and truly begun!

A ‘Walk And Talk’ To End?

rubberbandsandchewinggum28 Comments

So. Yeah. The title gives you the gist of what’s to come!

A few weeks ago (before the health stuff reared up and took centre stage again -bleurgh!) I got back in touch with Anita to try and arrange our ‘ending’ having initially told her that I needed to hold off on meeting until my work commitments died down – all this came a while after the communication where Anita finally (and somewhat unexpectedly) engaged with me after several months of radio silence and ghosting. Going forward I shall refer to that email as the ‘Shetland Isles Saga’! – because…ha! FFS!

Putting a pause on things after she’d emailed to agree that she would finally see me was definitely a good move. That email alone hit me in a way I wasn’t expecting, and it took a good while to process and filter down through my system. There’s absolutely no way I could have navigated a meeting with Anita when my work was in full flow …and even now that it’s quieter I still don’t know that I am totally ready.

It needs to happen sooner rather than later, I think, because the whole thing is starting to feel like an albatross hanging round my neck and as much as I don’t want to say goodbye to Anita, I have to to be able to move on and properly grieve her. Right now, I am stuck in this god-awful limbo space, and I just can’t keep inhabiting this place for very much longer. It’s emotionally exhausting and it is affecting me physically. The amount of tension I am holding in my body is unreal and even despite having bi-weekly massages, the massage therapist can’t get over what a state I get myself into in such a short time.

Feeling so emotionally discombobulated is also impacting my relationship and interactions with Elle. I feel incredibly needy at the moment, and the attachment stuff is starting to feel quite overwhelming tbh. I guess my system is desperately seeking safety in/with her – and I am really aware that my contact with her out of sessions has ramped up and I really really don’t want to tip the balance into a place where she dreads checking her emails because there’s yet another random effort at connection coming from me.

Of course, it’s not just one part of me in the mix with all this. There’s a part of me that is totally freaking out because people and relationships aren’t safe. There’s a protector part screaming “STOP IT RB! Stop seeking warmth and care in someone who won’t stay! Will you never learn?!” I mean if I am honest the whole mini-bus is in total fucking chaos and it can feel like I am rapid cycling through all of them and all their conflicting emotions so… yeah… I think I need to resolve the Anita stuff so that things settle inside a bit and I am less of a fucking emotional liability with Elle!

Having spent a lot of time ruminating about whether or not a meeting Anita was right for me now (my god the mental gymnastics have been Simone Biles-esque!) I decided after much deliberation that I did want an opportunity to see Anita in person despite how awful things have been. I’m probably insane. So much angst and confusion has built up over the last year that I decided that I wanted to see her one last time, to either confirm that she’s a fucking walking disaster and remind me that I am way better off out of it… and that my anger and hurt is justified, or if not that, to perhaps (hopefully) release some of the very strong feelings around this and be able to simply see Anita as a human who lost their grip on…EVERYTHING… and be able to move on with some kind of partial repair now that (perhaps) the attachment is less active (is it?!)…

I mean it’s not binary anyway. None of this is either/or, good/bad…it’s AND/BOTH/ALL and it’s fucking messy. But the main thing I am completely sure of is that I will (try) not go with any expectations of the meeting giving me anything I need/want because as much as the fantasy would be that Anita would see me and remember that she actually does care and that I am important to her, to open up her arms, pull me into a tight hug and tell me she loves me and that she’s sorry for what’s happened…

Wouldn’t that be something?!

However, I know that that ship has sailed, and that version of Anita doesn’t exist for me anymore- even though she very much did once upon a time. Sigh.

If I do meet her, I need to be realistic and know that it will, in fact, likely be very disappointing, painful, and open up a massive amount of shit – and so afterwards I will need a great deal of support because even though Adult Me knows Anita is long gone, to actually be with her face-to-face and have her not be how I have known her to be would be devastating to the Littles.

I anticipate the meeting feeling like a version of the still face experiment. My young parts will be searching for the smile and the safety and familiarity of Anita who I know and love and instead I am likely to be faced with a distant, withdrawn, ‘professional’ Anita, and this will set all sorts of chaos off inside. She’ll look like Anita, but she will behave like a stranger. I know that. I’ve already witnessed that version of A in the last session I saw her when she admitted to being ‘cold’ and ‘distant’ because she was in ‘self-protect’.

I fully expect this version of Anita to be present when we meet because I think if she truly entered into the meeting with an open heart and the willingness to be vulnerable with me, she might actually be hit with the reality of what she’s done. She will never go there. She will avoid meeting me in that place at all costs and instead function as a spectator to whatever I am able to bring. I imagine it might end up being pretty similar to the ending with Em. I’d like to hope it wouldn’t be…but let’s be real here, Anita is only agreeing to meet so she can avoid scrutiny and other people in her professional world (whom she considers friends) learning about what she did.

Ultimately, though I have reached a point in my head where I am prepared to go in and in one way or other leave with a broken heart. I mean it’s already well-smashed but no matter what happens there will be no walking away from the meeting feeling good. I am not stupid. Even if the meeting goes well, I’m going to be facing a whole lot of grief, aren’t I? Because the woman that was alongside me for 3.5 years twice a week, plus all the outside contact, will be completely gone and that special relationship will be left in past regardless of what happens on the day.

In some ways I actually fear a good meeting more than a cold and distant one because I think that will actually lead to bigger feelings of loss. Like if it feels familiar and reasonably connecting and she says something like, “It’s really good to see you” (because she won’t think and just freestyle it) how bloody awful to get a taste of that again and then know I’ll never have it after that moment. How fucking devastating to know she can turn it on but has chosen not to for me anymore.

Anyway, it’s all been a LOT! So, to the point RB! – I emailed Anita giving her some potential dates I could do to meet and she came back with:

Hi RB,

I am glad the pressure of work is easing for you. I know how busy you are around exam time.

I can make Friday the 21st in the afternoon if that still works with you.

Like you I’m not sure where to meet but wondering about [stately home] or [national trust property] somewhere quiet we can walk and talk.

Let me know your thoughts on this,

Anita x

I can’t really begin to describe the range of thoughts and feelings that came when I read that. Anita and I have never met outside ‘the room’ in all the time we worked together – well apart from that time I ran out the room upset, and she came and found me outside and sat with me in the dark, holding my hand in my car for an hour! But we didn’t begin the session in my car!

The suggestion of a walk and talk feels really weird because it seems to be completely out of step with how Anita has previously worked. I can remember another time where there was a rupture (ha- looks like there were a lot based on these paragraphs) and Anita and I scheduled an extra session to try and repair the next day.

It was on a day where she works in an office in my city rather than where she lives and where I would usually see her. I had said I would come and meet her in that office and she said she thought it was important that we met in ‘our room’ because unfamiliarity of location wouldn’t be containing enough and given I already felt unsettled she felt it was really important to have consistency so that my system didn’t get any more triggered. This seems really sensible and reminds me that there was a time when Anita had her therapist hat on and considered my needs and understood them.

So, it took me a bit by surprise that Anita would suggest us having probably the biggest meeting of the therapy – to end – out in a public place where we cannot sit and be together, where we could come across members of the public and where we/I would be totally exposed. I feel like it’s an absolutely shit idea and completely inappropriate. Is that just me or does any else thing that’s just total horse shit?

I’ve been turning it over in my mind (of course!). What could her motivations for this be? I wonder if it’s partly so that I can’t break down and make things awkard? Anita knows I’m unlikely to fall apart in public. I won’t cry. I won’t get angry. I’ll behave ‘normally’ even if I am dying inside. And that saves her all kinds of difficulty, doesn’t it? She won’t have to witness the pain and hurt that she’s caused.

I feel like meeting out in the open in a relatively busy public space doesn’t provide any kind of container whatsoever and really just feels utterly lacking in thought and care about what this meeting could/should be like. It shows me that Anita is no longer in a place to even think about providing the kind of space or meeting required and basically wants an easy hour where she can hand me my stuff, wander around making small talk and then walk away.

I’m not up for that.

I’m not saying I would go and see Anita and break down in floods of tears, beg for her take me back, and have a complete fucking meltdown and let it ALL out– but the space did ought to be provided for that possibility. There did ought to be space for me to be however it is and for that space to be private, familiar, and containing.

Tbh I am far more likely to turn up and be ‘False Adult’ and then leave and sit in my car hysterically crying for an hour afterwards because I am fairly certain my protectors will be doing everything possible to keep me safe in the moment but when I am on my own in my own bubble it’ll all come out.

So, my initial gut reaction hasn’t changed in the weeks since she emailed this. I really feel like this suggestion is just … not right for this end. It’s not like we’ve done years of intensive work, moved through the attachment stuff and reached a natural conclusion where we are ending on brilliant terms and a ‘wow, look how far we’ve come’ where perhaps a walk and talk and meeting in a different way might feel appropriate. It’s a million miles from that. Given how it’s been I don’t even think a one hour meeting is right. I actually think we should be meeting three or four times to properly put this to bed.

I discussed all this with Elle when it happened, and she was pretty much of the same mind (that it was a weird suggestion and probably would not be helpful). Elle said that whatever I choose to do she would want to see me the same day or the day after because she is really aware of what this will throw up for me… so that at least is something. As much as I don’t think I talk much about all this, when I do it must be pretty clear that it’s a fucking enormous deal.

As it happened I couldn’t meet Anita on the day she’d suggested so I didn’t have to make a plan or talk about where we would meet or explain why I didn’t want to meet publicly as health stuff got in the way so I was able to reply to her and say I couldn’t meet her because I had an urgent blood test on the day she’d suggested and then would have a hospital appointment the week after because my body was malfunctioning and so we’d have to postpone.

All year Anita has taken days/weeks to reply to me, or sometimes just completely ignored me. But suddenly being reminded of my health issues seemed to kick her into somewhere different. The reply to my email was immediate:

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear your having such a time of it. It really does come out on us physically, doesn’t it? I really wish our bodies wouldn’t add to the stress we already feel [red heart].

Now I get this was meant to be caring and connecting and kind but honestly, after the last year it just felt… confusing but also a bit… lacking in fucking awareness. Like, actually A, the intense stress and anxiety I have been under that has been impacting my health and well-being has been caused in a large part by what you have done to me. So, it feels a bit fucking rich pretending to care about me now. Leaving me with no safety plan, no care, and fucking off into the sunset for a year is … well, I have already blogged thousands of words on this so we all know the score!

Anyway, I didn’t reply to that because what was there to say, really? Instead, I sent it to Elle and we talked about it in our next session and as always Elle was solid and grounded and present and … exactly what I needed in the moment.

A week later, another email popped into my inbox from Anita:

I hope everything goes well with the blood test today and really really hope you’re ok. Anita x

Honestly, that fucking floored me.

Like what?

Why?

Why start being like this now?

I sent the email to Elle and said that I was really upset. She said she could understand why and said that it feels like Anita is sending ‘really confusing and inconsistent messages’. That’s exactly it isn’t it? Elle signed off with a lovely holding message and I at least felt like I wasn’t going insane and maybe these messages from A weren’t ideal. They’d be fine maybe for a friend to send but not someone who has disappeared out my world for a year and left me for dead. This is some of what I said to Elle:

Yeah, it just feels really unfair of her to decide now that she thinks whatever is going on is worthy of a sort of care. There was absolutely no need to send me this today – especially as I didn’t respond to her message about feeling sorry and all the stuff about body stress. There was no need for a follow-up. It feels like it’s more about her than me…and that she has zero grasp of how this would land after how this year has been.

I know I sound angry. But there was a little part of me that also felt really really sad. Because it proves that Anita can care… and that makes how she’s been this year all the worse.

Anyway, those messages sent me through a total loop. I was already in a fucking state having to deal with the health stuff and I just really didn’t need that on top. To be fair, it probably all felt much worse because I was staring down the barrel of the cancer pathway again – but … even without that… it’s just… a lot.

A week after that message I had my hospital appointment to get checked over. Fortunately, they think everything is ok but when I got home the last few weeks caught up with me in a massive way. I was face down on my bed crying and was totally dysregulated…and -ugh – ffs RB – I replied to Anita…FFS!:

Thank you. I still don’t know the results of my blood tests so fingers crossed they come back normal.

Hospital today was ok. Lots of poking and prodding and then an ultrasound but they can’t see anything obviously amiss in my breast so hopefully it’s all some crap perimenopause symptom….so long as bloods come back fine.

It’s been thoroughly exhausting and overwhelming. I thought I was ok but it’s hit me like a Mack truck. X

UGHHH I know. You don’t have to tell me. Emailing whilst upset and triggered isn’t a good idea.

Anita replied moments later with:

So pleased it’s sounding like it’s going to a positive outcome. It’s understandable that you feel exhausted. It’s going to be really hard on you emotionally and physically until you get the final results. Please keep me updated and I will keep everything crossed for you xx

I burst into tears again.

It’s such an unbelievable feeling of push/pull. That message came through a week and a half ago and I haven’t replied.

My blood results finally came back and there is something not quite right in one aspect that could be linked to the blood cancer I had. This particular level has been creeping up and up every blood test I have had for the last two years and is now sitting on the borderline of the top end of the normal range – so we’ll have to see what happens six months from now. It’s a watch and wait. I hope it’s nothing to worry about but…it’s a marker for lymphoma so…

So, yeah, I’ve ridden the immediate wave of health shit and the Anita stuff and now am back in a place where I guess I can arrange to meet.

I don’t really know how to approach it but I think I am going to have to mention that if at all possible we meet somewhere private and indoors.

I can’t believe how knackering simply getting to the point to have the ending has been. I’m going to be totally flattened when I actually do meet her aren’t I?

xx