Rubber Bands and Chewing Gum

After two or three sessions of trying to figure out what to do with Anita after she dropped the bomb on me that she was stopping the therapy (forever? for a bit?… who knows?) it was painfully apparent that we were getting nowhere in the ‘ending that isn’t an ending… or is it?’ and it was increasingly painful going to see her and for her to not be able to hold the work, the space, me… but also to not have any kind of a plan on how to handle whatever ‘this’ was. I would just end up crying and she would keep saying she was “sorry”. It was all utter shit. Traumatising, really.

As much as I didn’t want to see another therapist (and still don’t), I knew that whatever ‘this’ is/was with Anita there was definitely, and minimally, a protracted break coming, and I would need some support to process what is essentially a massive abandonment and rejection from my attachment figure…again. No matter how you look at it, Anita has handled ‘this’ all appallingly and I have been left reeling and just utterly bereft. It’s hard to put into words just how awful this has been, but it feels like every part of me has been body slammed and then left for dead. Ugh.

Whilst Anita and I were still seeing each other, I started hunting online for someone who might be able to catch me as I fell headfirst out the nest. I’m sure many of you have scrolled through therapist’s profiles on the internet on therapy platforms and kept scrolling and scrolling looking for a face that looks at least half-way like someone you might want to sit in a room with. It’s funny – credentials are important, but I literally scrolled pasts loads of people without clicking into their profile because I didn’t like their photo! And of course, I didn’t really want to see any of them…because the only person I want is A, or Anita before she lost the fucking plot!

When looking for someone, there were a few things I definitely avoided this time. I didn’t want anyone in the ‘mum’ age category, and I also wanted the therapy to be in a space that wasn’t in the therapist’s home. I didn’t want to go anywhere close to replicating the experience I have had with Anita (as good as loads of it has been I’m left with a bitter taste in my mouth).  I know attachment wounds are kind of unavoidable and transference happens, but I didn’t want to accelerate that stuff if I didn’t need to. I’m there to process what happened with Anita not to replicate the relationship. That’s done. It’s burnt me really badly and, frankly, my young parts will never be coming out again in a therapeutic setting as they did with Anita. I’m not interested in cuddles or stories or any of the stuff that was so helpful with A, because to have it suddenly ripped away is just horrific and worse than not having had it at all.

I feel like she took me in, symbolically adopted the child parts, encouraged the attachment, started to reparent them, and then when her life got hard, decided it wasn’t for her and has sent me away – but not even to a ‘foster’ family, just turfed me out onto the street and closed the door. Her and Em have more similarities than I realised.

Anyway, back to therapist shopping…I decided that if I am paying for a time and space (which is what it is, right?!) then I don’t want dogs barking, the postman banging on the door trying to deliver stuff, daughter walking around outside the room or bumping into her on the doorstep, navigating my way past mum on the driveway…NONE OF IT. All of these things were annoyances with A but worth it in the big scheme of how it felt with her in the room (before it went to shit)…but now that’s gone I just want a simple place to be that hasn’t got any baggage attached to it. AND this time I wanted a therapist who would just do therapy and hold the frame and boundaries and all the other stuff that has got so lax with Anita. Basically, I wanted therapy 101 – back to basics. Dare I say it, I almost wanted an Em…only Em with a little more relational capacity!

So, I found a therapist who looked nice enough. She seemed to be around my age and had a profile that seemed ok. Given that I am not looking to do long-term, deep work, I just wanted ‘good enough’ and someone who might have space to meet before I was completely cast adrift. I emailed Hannah asking about her availability and outlining what had happened with A and why I wanted to see her. She responded warmly and we fixed up a meeting a couple of weeks ahead. Phew. At least there was something in place.

Things, obviously, got no better with Anita. I was breaking my heart and she just couldn’t give me anything. It was headed to the end of May, and she offered to keep working with me until the end of June. As much as parts of me would have loved to have seen her for nine more hours – I just couldn’t do it to myself – or more specifically all the child parts that were absolutely devastated. On the 2^nd June I resolved before I went to see Anita that it would be my last session. I simply couldn’t keep hurting myself and when it came down to it, I couldn’t justify the money to keep doing it for another month. To be honest, I really don’t feel like I should have paid for any of the sessions in May either – it wasn’t therapy and it wasn’t about my need.

About five minutes from the end Anita apologised again and acknowledged that she probably seemed distant and cold which wasn’t what I needed but that she was in self-protect and survival. I knew definitely, then, that I had to leave. Through tears (of course) I said to her that I didn’t want to drag this out anymore because she wasn’t up to it, I didn’t want to make things worse for her, but that this was really hurting me. So, I asked her if I could just leave things as they were and maybe get back in touch properly in September and see how things were after the summer, not to continue, but to see if she was in any better a place to do a proper ending that fully honours the work we have done and the relationship. She agreed and said she just didn’t know how she was going to be and as much as she would like to give me something to hang onto she thinks she’s probably going to have to give up her job altogether and retire. And then I got up, gave her one last hug, and walked away.

The pain has been unbelievable.

The grief. I mean… there just aren’t words.

Almost immediately after the session I sent her a text. I know. I know. One of the books we read together a lot was ‘No Matter What’ by Debbie Gliori – it’s gorgeous… but… well, it all seems like empty words now…

This is what we’ve exchanged since we finished. I don’t even really know what to think.

I have so much to say and so much left hanging that part of me thinks, “Well fuck it, surely she can cope with a couple of texts here and there on her work phone when we’ve gone from two hours a week and between session contact to this. It’s not like she’s not ‘working’ she ‘s just not working with poor fuckers like me who really need her.” But I’ve stopped texting now, I think I needed to reach out when it was all so fresh – and I’ll maybe get back in touch in September – but more likely I’ll just ask to arrange to get my books back.

There are so many feelings of hurt and anger coming up and the more time goes on the worse it’s actually getting and I think what might come next if I gave it space would be really fucking mean – and I don’t really want to do that – even though the teen has some choice words ready to fire!

Right now, I don’t see there’s much to be gained by maybe eventually meeting again. The hurt is too big and there’s no going back. Ill or not, I deserved better than this. So I need to try and process this with Hannah and let Anita go. I don’t want to reopen a wound – and if I saw Anita and she was still in self-protect it would send me over the edge – I don’t need cold, still face…

It’s not easy writing that – but she’s let me go – and all the trust and care and love that I thought were real…well… what was it? Really? … ‘therapy’…

Anyway, I’ll leave that there for today and come back and introduce you to Hannah next time.

x