Rubber Bands and Chewing Gum

So, after the break in May I was feeling a bit anxious but largely just really looking forward to seeing Anita and reconnecting. I’d had a bit of a wobble during the break and the mishap with the return to sessions wasn’t ideal, but the fact Anita had rescheduled so I didn’t need to wait until Friday meant that I felt ok enough and was just really ready to process some of my stuff. I’ve been holding onto such a lot for such a long time.

When I arrived on the Wednesday I sat down and took a minute – you know what it’s like after a break. It takes a while to ground back into the space, to settle, to let the parts know things are ok and safe. I began by telling Anita I was a bit stressed, told her a little a bit about something that had happened with my kids, students etc and then think it must have been a couple of minutes in when I dropped False Adult and said, “It’s been hard.”

There was a little bit of silence and then Anita said, “Well done for coming this morning…” I didn’t reply but it felt like we were getting on the page quickly to start to work through the break…wrong! There was maybe fifteen seconds and then she started, “I also need to have a difficult conversation with you – I ended up in A and E when I was on holiday because I couldn’t breathe, they thought it might be my heart. The Doctor says I can’t take any more stress…and my mum’s in hospital, she might die… I am really sorry and I know it’s not we wanted and we hoped I would get through this, but I am going to have to bring the counselling with you to an end…”

I tried really hard to take it all in and not disappear. Whilst part of me had feared this (ending) for a while, there was another part that was utterly stunned. I felt completely pummelled. The night before she’d sent me a message to tell me she was looking forward to seeing me and now this? Wtf?

Anita went on, “I know it’s not what either of us wanted. It really isn’t what I wanted.” And then she told me more about her health concerns, what had happened to her mum, and her very real fears about the future. Her voice was strained and I could hear the wheeze in her chest had got much worse since I had last seen her. She looked utterly exhausted. Broken, if I am honest.

I went through the whole range of emotions in seconds. I was sad, angry, upset… you name it. The parts were going insane. How I didn’t dissociate I have no clue. There was another part, though, that is really good at problem solving and that wanted to fix everything for her and strategically find a way forward – although I know I can’t.

Anita said she was happy to work with me until I found someone else. This sparked Teen off and I angrily responded – with “Shut up!…Have you any idea what you’re saying? What this feels like?…”

Anita replied, “Pretty shit. Devastating. Rejecting. All of it. I don’t know how to change it. I know this isn’t what either of us wants. I’m so sorry.”

I just sat there. It might not be what we want but it was going to happen regardless. I couldn’t believe this was happening.

I don’t know who said this – maybe all of the parts, but I whispered, “What even was this?”

Like honestly? What had this relationship even been if it was so easy to walk away from it now?

Anita was defensive and felt closed down, “It’s not easy for me as well, you know – I haven’t wanted to do this. This is last thing I have wanted to do.” There was a definite sadness in her voice but also, I felt like she was removed – probably in self-protect (which is something she later admitted to).

There was a period of silence. My mind was all over the place. “I just didn’t think you’d do this to me” I sighed.

“I tried not to, but I can’t help it. I can’t carry on like this. I have to get better…”

Adult me stepped up and in. I took her hand and held it for the rest of the session. It was a complete role reversal and at one point Anita even said, “This is meant to be your session, not mine.”

After more of Anita telling me basically that she’s utterly fucked I asked, “Does this have to be for forever?” Anita said she didn’t know. She was so … I don’t know … just in a state of collapse that it was really difficult to get anywhere. All these ending sessions have been impossibly hard because I’ve been dealing with someone who is having a breakdown not with a therapist who is doing a proper ending based on client need. She has no idea what she’s doing or how to get from one minute to the next so she has no idea of the future because right now she can’t even cope with the minute in front of her.

At one point a young part came forward, “What have I done wrong?” I’ve been really struggling to get my head round what’s happening given the quality of the relationship we had. Like how do you go from everything we’ve got to nothing?

Anita replied, “Nothing – you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s my situation, my ability to cope. It’s me. Not you. It really isn’t you. I am broken. My soul is broken right now. I have nothing left to give. I was hoping it wouldn’t have to come to this. I really did hope it wouldn’t come to this. But I don’t know what else to do…It’s a shame we met like this because if we’d have met as friends we could stay friends. Ethically, we shouldn’t have anything to do with each other for two years after we end. It’s all a pile of shit basically…”

“This doesn’t feel right,” I said.

“I don’t know what to do” replied A, “I can’t carry on. I’ve got to cut the stress out of my life.”

There was another silence. “I can’t just go” I sobbed. “I can’t just disappear. It’s not nothing to me” and I broke down in big tears.

“It’s not nothing to me either,” said Anita.

“…Unless I am completely delusional? If that happens it undoes everything that I thought that this was.”

It was absolute agony. Both of us just hanging on by a thread. There is so much in this relationship but also… not enough it seems.

I haven’t gone into the detail of this session because honestly 90% of it was about Anita and her situation – which isn’t relevant…it doesn’t add anything.

It was coming to the end of the session. I had no idea what was going to happen. Was it just going to end? Earlier in the session I had said there was no point in continuing but at the end Anita said, “Let’s find a way of still connecting. I think we need to come back to this and figure something out”.

I left the session sad but hopeful – like maybe there would be a way to not completely sever the relationship altogether even if the therapy had to stop.

There has been so much up and down, push and pull, connection and disconnection…it’s been an absolute head fuck if I am honest. Part of the problem is Anita didn’t come at these endings with long-term clients with a clear vision of how it would look. I don’t think she and her supervisor have really properly thrashed out what needs to happen and … it’s felt like she’s been winging it on burnout. I feel like she got really scared on holiday, literally thought she was going to die, her mum is really sick in hospital and she’s just panicked and felt like she has to stop. She does but she needed to go off sick – not try and botch endings.

After two sessions of pain and … well… just going round in circles, I realised we were getting nowhere. She was increasingly checked out. It wasn’t intentional – she is very ill. But it means that when I tried to say things she couldn’t hear me and would react from a place of defensiveness. Also, I was trying to rescue her. I’ve been trying to rescue her for a year, really.

It reached a point, though, where I needed to get my feelings heard even though I knew it wouldn’t make a difference. The pain I was going through was/is off the chart and I was not going to leave this therapy silent and suffering like with Em. I at least needed to give me and my parts a voice even if it wouldn’t change things. I sucked up so much of my hurt with Em and although this situation is different this time, and perhaps Anita in less of a place to hear me than Em was, I was still paying for this mess… don’t let’s get started on that!

So, I wrote a letter and recorded it as a voice note. I knew I wouldn’t be able to read it in session on the Monday (3^rd session of trying to figure out what the hell to do) so I asked A to play it on her phone. It was twenty-five minutes long. We cuddled the whole time (it’s so hard when there is so much love there) and I sobbed. I was wondering if this would be the last time she’d ever hold me. If this would be the last time I would hear her heartbeat, be able to breathe in her safe smell. To say that it was utter agony is an understatement.

I still don’t know how I will survive without this… this proximity, closeness, intimacy – call it what you will. How do you replace that? I can’t and don’t want to.

I’ll leave that here. I have the voice note letter ready to go in another post which I’ll post soon (check me out with my organised blogging… lol!). And big thank you to everyone for your support. Yet again this tribe have my back. Big hugs. x