So, last time I was here I was midway through a therapy break and everything with A – or in A’s life- had been unravelling in a big way in the lead up to her break. She really needed the holiday and I had hoped that a couple of weeks abroad would do her the world of good even if I would wobble in her absence. We were both banking on her coming back restored and well. Sadly, things got worse for her, and because of that – us. Before the break, I posted something about feeling like I was watching a slow-motion car crash…well, that crash ended up happening in a huge way, at speed, when she got back and I am essentially in intensive care trying not to die right now.
I realise that it’s been a couple of months since I have posted and that’s because such a lot has gone on. It’s my intention to try and write a few posts over the next couple of weeks or to try and break up what’s happened into manageable chunks and get some kind of clarity on all that’s gone on. I’m not going to beat around the bush and keep you all in suspense, though, whilst I sift through the wreckage. I’m guessing most of you will have worked out that this lengthy absence, here, hasn’t come about because I am busy. I am. But it’s not that. I’m really gutted to say this, but Anita and I have ended the therapy. Or should I say, Anita did.
It’s been a right fucking mess (understatement) and I will get to it bit-by-bit when I can. Suffice to say I am absolutely devastated and just haven’t been able to go anywhere near this on the blog because it’s been survival. I honestly don’t know where to start or what to say. I know that for lots of you who have followed this blog, and me, for a long while will probably feel bloody gutted too. It’s felt like my relationship with Anita has been a beacon for lots of us with C-PTSD, proof that some therapists can go deep, do the work, and are safe.
Turns out, that’s not the case.
Anita is human first, therapist second.
Her handling, or should I say, mishandling of it has utterly broken me. I’ll be ok. I’m a survivor. I just … well… I just never imagined I would ever be writing these blog posts. Part of me feels so fucking stupid for letting my guard down, trusting, believing all that Anita said, allowing my most vulnerable parts to be seen and to be in relationship with her, only to have them discarded and thrown out into the cold again when it was no longer convenient for her to do the work. It’s more complex than that and Adult me understands – sort of – but there are lots and lots of parts that don’t and cant and won’t understand.
My inner critic is having a field day right now, “You fucking stupid moron! Do you never fucking learn? Therapists and you don’t mix. You’re too much and you make them leave. No one can cope with your tick-like need that bleeds them dry. You’re a clingy, pathetic mess. Three years and look what happens, you fuck them up. You fucking loser!”
Yeah, so that’s really fun. Mind you give me the Critic over the screaming young ones… I can’t soothe them or make it any better. Every last one of them is crying out for A because it is only A that knows how to help. Only … she’s gone. So now what?
I know, now, that the critic is only ever there to try and protect me and so right now feels like it’s really needed. The level of devastation is hard to put into words but let’s just say, when Em and I ended it was terrible, but this, with Anita, is just utterly crushing. Everything I thought the relationship was, has gone up in flames…and as much as parts of me know this isn’t my fault. It’s still me that’s ended up being dumped.
So, let’s rewind to the break…
I knew Anita was on her knees headed into her holiday and I had decided very consciously to leave her well alone during her break. The last session before the break she was really sick and had a to take a call mid-session with the emergency doctor. I knew about it beforehand and whilst it wasn’t ideal, with the NHS as it is, you never know when a call-back will happen and I was glad, at least, that Anita was finally getting seen.
During that session A assured me she’d be coming back and we’d be ok- the usual reassurance before a separation. I gave A her birthday gifts for her to open when I got up to leave, gave her a hug, and walked away for what I thought was a three week break.
The next morning she sent me a text:
As you can see, I sent her a GIF on her birthday and then left her to it. Just over a week into her holiday A sent me a message with photos of her holiday:
I was having a tough time by this point. My internal minibus of full of child parts was careering at speed, downhill, without a driver but I really didn’t think sending a long message would help any of us at this point so I just said, ‘looks gorgeous. I miss you x’ and then left it at that. It’s a world away from what I might once have sent but I also knew that Anita was teetering on the edge of complete burnout so didn’t want to add to her stress.
On the Sunday night before A came back I sent her a message to have a safe flight – just as she had when I was away in February and began my countdown to Friday and seeing her again.
So imagine my surprise when on Monday morning, I was dyeing my hair, and when I had finished I saw two missed calls from Anita at 10:07, one on my phone and one on WhatsApp. Wtf?! She’d left a voicemail asking me where I was? Apparently she was expecting me.
Fuck.
When she told me she’d booked her holiday way back in February she’d said she was going for two weeks and was flying on her birthday… I did the maths and this meant she’d be flying on a Monday and returning on a Monday so we’d end up seeing each other on the following Friday. She never gave me dates but this is what I thought a two week break meant.
Nope.
My heart absolutely sank when I received that message. To think I could have seen her and would now have to wait until Friday just sent me through a loop.
I text Anita:
I was so looking forward to seeing her on the Wednesday even though there was a part of me that was upset and hurt that she hadn’t checked her messages before the (failed) session on Monday– had she have done that she would have seen my message about the flight and realised I had thought she was away still. She could have text and told me she was back and I would have been there in a flash. But like everything lately, Anita has been so removed from her work that things have slipped. I was also sad that when I had text her in real time that morning she didn’t say to ring her or to quickly check in knowing I was having a meltdown. It just felt like there was a massive disconnect yet she then sent me the message the night before telling me she was looking forward to seeing me. Maybe it was ok after all.
Nope.
I’ll break here with this as that next session was – well – it broke me really.
Like I say, I am going to try and get up to speed with this all over the next few weeks but it might take some time because such a lot went down and I am really struggling with it.
Big hugs to you all. x
Rubber Bands and Chewing Gum 
Oh RB….I’ve been waiting for this post. I’m so sorry. This was never supposed to happen. It’s going to take more than ice cream to make this better. I’m so sorry. If you can find a way to take care of YOU, please do. I hope someone here has something helpful to say cos I’m just baffled…
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It is what it is. I guess I keep trying to make sense of it through the lens of what a functioning person would do … only A isn’t functioning. She’s having a breakdown. Doesn’t make it any easier but is at least a starting point as to why none of it makes sense. x
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Oh dear RBCG, so sorry to read this. You saw the writing on the wall but I still hoped against hope for you that it would somehow work out.
I don’t think it ever does. Not for anyone. At least, not forever.
I hope your pain lessens as quickly as it is humanly possible to heal. I wish there was something I could do that would be more helpful to you but I think I cannot replace time and you need time to process this 🤗❤️
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Thanks LS. Yes, time and self-compassion and more time… It’s just utterly heartbreaking. I honestly can’t even. I hope you’re doing ok. I’ve been locked in a bubble of survival really for months now. Take good care xx
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div dir=”ltr”>I’m so sorry RB, I can’t believe it. I hope you can tre
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Thank you xx It’s just awful really. I honestly didn’t think she’d ever do this to me….no matter what.
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I know you told us this already but just wanted to say again I’m so sorry, and here if you need another person who really understands. 💕
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Thank you darling. x
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Sending so so much love to you, RB. I don’t think there’s any pressure from us, so please go gently and slowly with your heart as you move through and process this. But we are all here and holding you.
I’m so sorry for your loss, darling. One minute at a time 💛
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Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I am taking it slowly and will get to write when I feel able. Even just writing this post which is not about the hell that happened was hard so I’ll pace myself. x
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Oh, no. I worried about you when I hadn’t heard from you in awhile. I hoped this would not be the outcome. I am so sorry, friend. If you need anything, please reach out. Losing that connection is soul crushing, I know.
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I know you get it…so many of us have experienced this shit. I just thought that all that Anita had said, done, and felt over the years meant something. Turns out when you’re drowning you let the other person drown and save yourself. She’s in survival and I have been left to find my way to shore. It’s absolutely devastating. To trust someone after what happened with Em and then this… I hope you are hanging on in there.. I haven’t kept up to speed with here at all xx
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Gosh … I just keep coming back to your words: A is human first. Therapist second …
And the absolute paradox of this … how desperately we need the human of the therapist … the realness (otherwise we end up with therapy robots like Em, ugh.) … but how that humanness makes them fallible … sometimes selfish … capable of falling down and taking us with them …
It is just so terrifying how the very thing we need so often becomes the very thing that breaks us 😞
I don’t know if there’s any way around it … perhaps this is an inevitable part of the process … of being human … of becoming … fuck. It’s such a scary and lonely thing to think about 😞
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Absolutely. The thing that made Anita a fab therapist was her humanity, her care, her willingness to go deep…these are also the qualities that have led her to burn out in her personal life. It’s gutting. Lonely is definitely the word… ugh. I don’t want to live in this empty space but I don’t see how I will ever trust anyone with my littles ever again. I simply cannot and will not open myself up to the potential to be hurt again. If Anita can’t do the work then noone can.
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That’s so hard. And it’s a lot. I wish I could give you a hug. 😞😢
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Thank you xxx I think we could all use a massive group hug!
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Sending you so much care and love RBCG. Please, there’s no pressure from any of us here for you to update. Your well-being is paramount and I’m so sorry A and you has come to this. I agree with PS and everyone here, and you and all your parts are NOT too much.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
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Thank you lovely. I know my parts aren’t too much. Deep down I know this is all about Anita and her life and nothing to do with me. However, I am the collateral damage in this and it hurts. I will update as and when I can. Right now I am turning my house upside down looking for two collections of poetry that I have to teach…nowhere to be found. Hope you are doing ok x
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I’m doing okay. Things were extremely bad in 2022 and I found some stability finally the first half of 2023, despite soaring rent .
I’ve finally moved to join my fiancé, in his country which is a huge relief economically and it terms of safety 💙💙💙
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Oh my god this is incredible!! So happy for you 🥰
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Us too for ourselves!
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I’m so sorry Anita ended therapy with you like this. I agree on what made her such a great therapist also means she’s more likely to burnout due to stuff in her personal life
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It’s such a rollercoaster of emotions. Part of me is so angry and feels betrayed, another part feels desperately sad for A. It’ll take a lot of getting over and I just need to give myself time… and try not to have a breakdown myself in the meantime!
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🫂🫂🫂 hang in there. You make complete sense 💌💌💌💌💌💌💌
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You know I know this pain. Big hugs and love 💜
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I know hun. It’s crap isn’t it xx
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I don’t know what to say. I have been there, twice, and the pain is immeasurable. The words sound trite, but I hope you find some relief soon.
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Yep. Second time for me too. Different this time because it was so close and intimate in the therapy so stings worse. Thank you 🙏
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RBCG I’m so sorry to read this.
Although I know it might, at times, help to know it’s not about you…the fact is, you are still left alone, without A’s support. Like you said, you’re the collateral damage. It is awful and especially for littles, nothing else matters except the empty space A left behind.
I find it so hard when the people we trust with hurt and pain do not take care of their own stuff. We are all human, yes…but I am so so tired and sad and angry to hear of the wreckage left behind by the very people we trust to help us with our own. It isn’t right or okay.
Sending care your way.
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💯 this. I’m left picking up the pieces. Twice a week with outside contact and depth inner child work to nothing – it’s appalling really. I’ve been left high and dry and it’s just lucky I’m resourceful and have kids as this would have finished me off otherwise. It’s bad enough what Em did. But she was essentially always withholding and my attachment was my pain. Anita invited me into her world, her heart, and I took off all my armour… for what? A slash at my mother wound. It’s beyond devastating. Thank you for your understanding and care x
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It makes so much sense that you feel to wrap up and protect all the little parts. Of course it would just be too hard to imagine putting yourself through something like this again 😞
I’m curious how you feel now about A’s openness and willingness to reshape the “traditional” framework? … like … I suppose I’ve seen a few bloggers around here writing about how they sometimes wish their past therapists had offered less, so they could have been more consistent … like, it’s less painful to not have the thing at all than to have the thing only to lose it later (which, by the looks of things in so many people’s stories, seems friggin inevitable). How does that idea sit with you? 💛 … (is no pressure to answer if this is too confusing … I imagine there’s a big conflict between parts with this one …)
Sending big gentle care x
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I plan to write about this eventually. Having experienced the tight frame, the unwillingness to bend, and what felt like a total abandonment and rejection of young parts in the therapy with Em I have to say that despite what’s happened with Anita I would do it all again a million times over because what she gave me was instrumental in my growth and healing – even if I am hurt now. The three years of steady, deep, loving work allowed parts of myself to experience a care and love that I have never had before and it was so unbelievably healing. I spent years dissociated and distressed with Em because where I was at and where she was prepared to meet me were basically poles apart. Anita took me under her wing and nurtured all those wounded parts. So, even now, when I am beyond gutted that she’s had to go (for now) I still have all those memories and feelings of what it was to be held and loved to draw on. Whilst parts of me want to rip it all to shreds – it was real. What has happened has not been easy for either me or Anita and it was the last thing she wanted to do. I guess, what I would say is even in the depths of missing her, the grief, the pain and the horrible feelings of abandonment deep in my core I know she loves me. I’ve felt it and experienced it…and so I can move on from this with that knowledge. It’s going to take a while. And I have sought out another therapist to help process this with. She’s my age and is more traditional… I have chosen this because I don’t want to go anywhere near the attachment stuff again and I don’t want to do this work in the way A and I did because A is the one for the young parts. That was longer than I had expected!
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Thank you for sharing this 💛
It’s heartening and lovely to hear that even amid all the grief and pain and loss, somewhere you know that A, you, and the work you did is real. And that she loved you and loves you still (because that doesn’t go away … it just can’t) … of course that makes the pain of it even more real too. I’m glad you’ve sought some support to help you process and hold this. So, so brave and loving to your own self. Just like you were brave to let A in and hold all those parts of you that so desperately needed to exist somewhere … to be seen and nurtured and loved. You have done so much work, and I really hopes that as the acute pain of loss softens (however long it takes), you’ll find little pockets of peace and and tenderness in yourself and in the world. You deserve it so, so much 💛
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Ah thank you. It’s certainly not an easy road right now. I feel so sad about it. It’s particularly tough on Monday’s and Fridays. Like right now I feel like I should be with Anita and it’s taking everything not to reach out and text her. I needed to arrange a space to hold this as I wouldn’t have coped alone. The new T is nice. It’s just … well… a world away from where I was. Having to navigate a new relationship is exhausting and wanting A so badly is tough. x
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Oh no! I’m just seeing this today for the first time, and… I can hardly believe it. I mean, of course I believe you 100 percent. I’m shocked, however. I’m shocked and sad and so concerned for you. It’s terrible! It’s not fair!
I had three years of near daily email contact with E. This was so healing and helpful, and when she cut it off abruptly, clumsily, I was so hurt. We didn’t end the therapy, but it was never the same. I never fully trusted her again, always looked for evidence that she didn’t care or didn’t understand me. I think it’s a big reason I finally ended with her. I don’t know where I am going exactly with saying this… maybe that I know, at least to some degree, what it is to have a support you leaned on heavily pulled suddenly away. It SUCKS! It is heart-breaking. I keep coming back to: it isn’t fair.
Sending you enormous hugs and lots of compassionate love.
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Yeah. It’s not fair. I really feel that. The fact she’s letting me go and other long term clients but not easy short term feels like the biggest kick in the teeth. I feel like she’s running scared. I know her so well and she can’t hide from me. Instead she’s run. It’s gutting. She says she loves me still and cares deeply… big how can she? You don’t do this to people you love… do you?
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Maybe? It is (sadly) true that we hurt people we love. I think it can be true that this sucks and isn’t fair and hurts AND that she loves you, all at the same time. Would that be any comfort though?
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Yeah, I think so. It’s just tragic. I miss her such a lot. We’ve had a bit of contact here and there- minimal. I just don’t know what’s going to happen. I wish there was something I could hold onto but ultimately there’s no going back after this x
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It’s so hard to accept, isn’t it, when something happens that you know means things will never be the same. Our minds (hearts) just can’t figure that out! I’m so sorry, RB.
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It’s just awful. I’ll get through but I feel like the parts I was working on healing have been destroyed. I was optimistic about my future and where the healing was going… now I feel like I’ll never be ok and this is what I have to live with.
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