A couple of weeks ago I was in a therapy session with Anita – it was the third of three incredibly connecting sessions where the littlest most scared parts of me felt safe enough to come out and talk. We are getting right down into the toxic shame and the cringey stuff but also starting to heal it which is so great.
The trust has built so much and the level of intimacy has sky-rocketed in the last month. A has been so holding and containing – so attuned – which has meant that the little parts feel safe telling her what they need and can express pretty much anything – it’s like my adult filter has gone! Her responses are always so good that I take more risks in saying what’s happening for me. If I feel shame she quickly removes it and I’m learning to trust that it’s actually ok to be me with her.
It’s weird to think how different it feels in the room now compared to all the years with Em having the feelings but being too scared to really express them.
It’s no secret that I have massive attachment issues is it?!- and a big part of that hell zone is that I am terrified of being left and abandoned. Anyone that’s read this blog for a while will know how hard disruptions to my therapy feel – I mean I absolutely loathe therapy breaks! The recent-ish termination of my long-term therapy with Em left my youngest parts reeling, too. I have never felt so rejected and abandoned in my life. And so even when I feel relative safety with Anita there’s still the parts of me worrying about ‘when’ not ‘if’ things will go wrong. I think that dream I had last week is evidence of that deep-rooted fear. I am so conditioned to believe that I will end up being too much that it’s hard to imagine that what Anita says about not going anywhere could be true.
I’ve been feeling a bit low-grade panicked because now that Anita and I seem to be really ‘doing the work’ in our sessions I have been worrying what would happen if we had another lockdown and had to return to online therapy – which I really, really struggled with last time. It’s a concern that’s been grumbling away in the background for a while, in fact since we returned to face-to-face in September, but in recent weeks has got louder because I felt it was inevitable that we would be forced into another lockdown sooner rather than later and I know that the child parts that have finally made it into the room just will not cope with a lack of physical proximity.
I can’t remember what we had been talking about in the lead up to saying this in session, but the four-year-old part was there and about twenty minutes from the end of the I whispered, ‘I am worried’. Anita gently asked me what I was worrying about and I said, ‘you going away’ (losing the intimacy, holding, and containment). Anita immediately said that I was never going to lose her and that she had no intention of going anywhere. I barely let out any sound as I murmured, ‘you might die’ into her jumper. It was coming up to the anniversary of my good friend/mother figure dying and the young parts had been preoccupied with the loss. A again assured me that she was staying with me and then I said in a really little voice, ‘but we might get locked down again’ and she agreed, ‘we might’.
Anita was quiet for a few seconds and then said, ‘that is a possibility. To be honest I think if we did get locked down again, I know you’d look after you and I’d look after me. I wouldn’t offer this to anyone else because I know the rest of my clients would be ok online, but I’d still be willing to see you because I think you need it. I don’t work with two people in the same way. I do what feels right, for me and for them. So, we might get locked down but I am offering that to you. I wouldn’t see anyone else here I’d just see you so it would feel safer. Does that make sense?’
I honestly couldn’t believe my ears. To have that recognition that online therapy really doesn’t work for me and that actually she understands how traumatising it is for the young parts (especially now she’s really met them) was incredible. To know that she recognises my trauma and is prepared to find a way to not add to that was like the biggest balm for my soul and really made the young parts calm down inside.
The last few weeks I have been anticipating lockdown being announced. I knew it would mean some disruption to my work life and I’d likely lose K and my craniosacral sessions but otherwise things would remain largely the same. It would be hard not having my body therapy because my nervous system is a nightmare, but at least I would still have Anita twice a week and that would make all the other challenges just about bearable. I’m a real homebody and am quite risk averse and so actually haven’t been anywhere public like restaurants, cinemas, gyms, shopping or whatever since the last lockdown was lifted and so I wouldn’t miss that – or seeing people!
Anyway, fast forward to Monday. Lockdown had been announced on Saturday by BoJo. I had already moved my extra-curricular tuition online (as per guidance) but have kept my home-schooling work face-to-face (again there’s very clear wording on that). There seems to be a lot more flexibility around what can and can’t happen this time around in all areas. Last time we were all locked down weren’t we – DO NOT GO OUT! To be honest this time it just seems like hospitality, entertainment, and some shops are shutting – oh and you can’t go get a haircut or a tattoo! The government is encouraging us to keep medical appointments, we can even go to support groups of up to fifteen people etc. As I say, in many ways because schools are open my life doesn’t look any different.
I was jabbering away in session on Monday. Just filler. There wasn’t much deep stuff going on because I guess the part of me that had been in a panic about being ‘left’ was feeling safe. Ok work is now going be a Zoom doom pain in the arse but at least my Monday and Friday sessions are there. I will survive.
Or at least that’s what I thought.
About half an hour into the session I looked at A and she said, ‘you seem quite distant today’ and I think she meant, I wasn’t being emotionally vulnerable and my adult was very there and she finished the sentence, ‘maybe it’s in anticipation of the separation?’
What?
What?!
What separation?
What the actual fuck???!!!
My system shut down instantly and I could feel the tendrils of panic creeping through my system. I didn’t say anything. My facial expression didn’t change. But I was frozen. I literally couldn’t compute what she had just said to me. I was stunned. Two weeks ago she had assured me that she would be there if we were locked down because I ‘need’ it and now we have half an hour left of a session before a four week separation and this is the first I know about it! You have to be kidding me?
I can’t tell you how many voices were running wild in my head but there was a loud teen screaming ‘I knew it! She’s a fucking liar!’ and then there was the little four-year-old crying, ‘you told me you wouldn’t leave me’. It was absolutely horrific.
I couldn’t speak. I felt trembly. I wanted to run away but I couldn’t move. So, off I went. Dissociated.
Anita moved and sat closer to me but I couldn’t look at her. I don’t think she realised fully what was going on in my head. She didn’t join the dots from the conversation we’d had the other week to my disappointment now. And I couldn’t tell her. I felt ashamed. I felt so stupid. Why did I allow myself to believe what she had said? And if she had lied about that, what else was a lie? The ‘I love yous’?
All these weeks of steady encouragement to ‘come in out of the cold’ and then this. This is exactly why we stay distant. If you don’t people in they can’t hurt you can they?
I felt like the little parts of me were disintegrating. Just like the teen had said in my dream the week before, ‘it’s just a game, that’s her job, it’s not real – none of it is real’. I was really distressed and dissociated.
A asked me if I wanted a hug. I didn’t respond. I could hear what she was saying but I just couldn’t speak or move. She asked again and I barely nodded. Child parts though, they outstrip the angry teen! She put her hand on my hand and pulled me in close for a cuddle. I didn’t speak. I think it was a kind of shock. I seem to have mastered dissociative crying where I don’t even know it’s happening until I feel the tears roll down over my lip, though.
She told me that she hadn’t decided what she was going to be doing yet but was probably going up to stay with her partner. I just held on tight and kept silently crying. I literally couldn’t believe she was going to leave me when she had so clearly promised not to. Adult me understands but adult me wasn’t there then.
Then the session was over and I realised that not only was I going to be working online for a month, but that we had no plan in place on how to help manage a month of hideous shit online. I was firmly in rupture zone (not that she knew that then). A said we can continue to text and have contact…but that is not enough. Not now. Not after the way we have been working for the last month. The young parts that are so exposed need some tangible reminder that she actually exists because when I am distressed the object constancy stuff is awful. All I can picture is a black void of where she should be -it’s right back into preverbal trauma.
I struggled to get up and leave. I said goodbye but I couldn’t meet her gaze. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I walked to my car, got inside, shut the door and let out a gut-wrenching howl. I sounded like a wounded animal. And then I sobbed. Convulsive crying. Just absolutely hideous levels of pain. It was a pain about being left, by her, by Em, by my mum all coming together at once. All those excruciating feelings about being unlovable, unimportant and forgettable came flooding in.
It’s fair to say it’s been a pretty shit week! I’m completely exhausted by this but also just completely embarrassed and ashamed to feel this. I did let A know what’s gone on but…ugh god… I just want to crawl into a hole and die. Talk about losing my grip!
* Just to say, thank you to everyone who has emailed me asking for the password for upcoming posts. I haven’t replied to anyone yet because I don’t have a password yet and I haven’t written any posts! Also, I genuinely thought about eight people were going to message me and it’s been loads of you. I will get back to you guys soon xx
Rubber Bands and Chewing Gum 
Ahhhh RB this hurts! I’m so sorry. All of this sucks massively. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to have it then have it taken away again. I’ve not had face to face therapy since the end of Feb and I think I’ve blocked out how much I need it coz there’s no end in sight. But I think it would hurt more if I had been working with Anna all this time. I’d want to be in a room with her so much… it must be so hard for you knowing what you’ll be missing out on.
This bit… ‘let out a gut-wrenching howl. I sounded like a wounded animal. And then I sobbed. Convulsive crying. Just absolutely hideous levels of pain. It was a pain about being left, by her, by Em, by my mum all coming together at once. All those excruciating feelings about being unlovable, unimportant and forgettable came flooding in.’ – that is fucking agonising grief ripping right through you. I experienced that when Anna left over and over and over. It still takes over me some days now. Pure hell. All the love and hugs to you RB. You will get through this. You’re in a much better place now with Anita than ever before. xxx
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m wiped out from it L. Honestly, so much emotional pressure and upset this week. It’s sorted now. I mean I am still going to have to accept she’s not going to be here but at least the rupture is repaired. Anita is so human and she completely gave me what I needed today. I would never have got anywhere close with Em. Big hugs to you x
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m really glad that it was repaired. I would be struggling with that too!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks. The repair was good and so healing but I’m still absolutely dreading online! ugh! x
LikeLike
God I can feel your pain. I’m with your teen, what the fuck!!! Why on earth can’t they see what they do to us with U-turns like that? I’m guessing she has forgotten the previous conversation but I know from experience that does not make it any better. Sending hope for resolution and time passing quickly for the next 4 weeks. Xxx
>
LikeLiked by 3 people
My teen has had a bloody field day at times. It’s not been my finest hour to be sure. Fortunately we have worked through it today and done a big repair. Anita is still the Anita I love and trust. She’s not morphed into Em. She’s taken responsibility for everything and was able to acknowledge and hold my pain and distress. I’m going to see her again Monday before she leaves…so at least it’s two sessions I have seen her where I was expecting to be online! x
LikeLike
Oh, hugs. Do you think this could be as simple as her using poor wording? Anita has been so great at everything else, and it’s such a stupid and stressful week for everyone that maybe she just goofed? I hope you can get to where your child parts can let you text her about ‘So, what is our plan? Are we still going to be able to meet in person, or is that no longer allowed.”
LikeLiked by 2 people
Child parts went wild on Monday on WhatsApp! We’ve been sticking plasters all week via text and arranged a face to face today as she hasn’t gone yet. It was a massive cock up on her part – she acknowledged it. Basically she thought she would be here bubbling with a family member like last time and they’ve bubbled with someone else. So now she either stays here- alone, or goes to bubble with her partner away. It makes sense. If she was here she would see me, and if she comes back she will see me. It’s not about changing the rules it’s literally about locality. She didn’t do any of it to hurt me but ouch. We’ve done a big repair today but I am exhausted!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Omg. I am so sorry that happened it. Reading it turned my stomach. My parts can totally relate to that! I would have an EPIC meltdown. Have you pointed out the mixed message to her??? I am sure she didn’t mean to cause pain but damn, I hurt on your behalf. Big hugs!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh yes! I had a spectacular meltdown – I mean wow – spam city! hahaha. We have repaired it today but crikey it’s been a hell of a week. Just got to get head round online again now. Fortunately have one more session face to face lined up so the agony is postponed a little!
LikeLike
Also, I can’t figure out how to email you but I would very much like the password. Your posts are so helpful, thank you!
LikeLiked by 2 people
hi ya – my email is rubberbandsandchewinggum@gmail.com
LikeLike
Ugh this sucks. She shouldn’t have said anything unless she was certain even though her intentions were good. In person therapy is also allowed in this lockdown so there’s no need for her to change her way of working. She probably has her reasons for changing her mind, but it’s kinda unprofessional. I hope she acknowledges her huge mistake.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I agree. And she fully acknowledged that today too. She genuinely thought she would form a bubble with a family member here (like last time) and they’ve bubbled with someone else and so now she either stays here alone or goes to be with her partner. I understand and she seems genuinely really really sorry to have hurt me. We managed to get to see each other because she hasn’t gone yet. It was a big repair job!
LikeLike
So sorry 😢
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you 🙂
LikeLike
Oh gosh, my heart is breaking a little bit for you. Gentle hugs if OK.
My T withdrew hugs a few weeks ago due to the tier system we were in and it was awful, I’d just started to ask for and receive something I needed (which was a huge thing for me) and then it was taken away… My child parts are still hurting and crying alone in the wardrobe.
I am still able to go to her office, but haven’t managed it the past couple of weeks, partly due to this. I’ve talked on the phone but it’s been tough and it makes me doubt her promises not to leave.
Take care, we are all here for you x
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for the hugs 🙂 definitely appreciated. I can very much understand the pain of having the hugs taken away. Adult gets it but it’s horrific for the child parts. Maybe I can come and sit next to your littles in the wardrobe to tell them they’re not alone. I’m sorry this has happened to you, to all of us. 2020 is hard isn’t it? Do you think you might be able to tell your T about how hard it is? Sending love x
LikeLike
You would be most welcome to come and sit in the wardrobe. We have blankets. 2020 is awful in so many way.
I want to tell T but I have so much shame around the need. I feel toxic and it took six months of sessions to even be able to acknowledge the need and then another month to ask for one. I’ve had four in total and they all felt warm and safe and the little ones inside got what they had been waiting for for so long. They just want to crawl in her lap where they know they’ll be protected. It’s so awful as it just reinforces I am toxic 😦
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sounds like a good den if you’re not alone in there 😊. Oh love. I hear you on the shame. I drowned in that for years with Em. But it’s a different story with A. It sounds like your T is open to physical contact. I guess you’ll just have to talk round it in bits… or maybe write something to take into session? Physical touch has completely changed my therapy and ability to work with young parts. That’s why going back online feels so painful. You are not toxic. Not even a bit xx
LikeLike
Oh no. It can’t be true. This is awful.
Do you think you’ll be able to reminder her of what she promised? Oh RBCG, I am so sorry, I can scarcely believe what I’m reading.
LikeLiked by 2 people
LS it was fucking horrific. Honestly. This week has really highlighted to me how fragile my system still is and how easily triggered. We have spent most of this week texting and arranged a session for today as she hadn’t got away yet. Fortunately it’s been repaired. She’s still Anita not some kind of fake monster. I just could have done with the emotional upheaval….and still got to manage online sooooo….ugh!!
LikeLike
I am so glad you repaired the rupture and is still the Anita you know and trust. But I’m so sorry you’re back to facing online again soon. My kids have stopped calling it coronavirus and call it the stinky virus now, and they’re right. It stinks.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re kids have it correct. I am so fucking over it. I just want some basic sense of safety and security! Sending you hugs and hope things are doing ok. I keep dipping into your blog but the week has been insane on both and emotional and work front and haven’t had time to comment. I am here though … lurking! xx
LikeLike
Your… god don’t tell anyone I’m an English teacher 🤣
LikeLike
Yeah I get that, and don’t worry, I totally get the lurking and not commenting thing. Sometimes it’s just not retrievable even though in the deepest recesses of our minds we are ‘with’ that person as we read. So I get what you’re saying there 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh no! As I was reading your post my heart started beating faster and faster… why did she do that? What is it with therapists that don’t do what they say? I’ve had that so often…. and boundaries being set that became more and more restrictive… I’m angry for you and for me! Hugs…
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ah lydia, I hear you! It’s so tough going through this kind of thing. Fortunately, deep down I know A has not meant to hurt me and we’ve spent 75 minutes today talking it through. Rupture is repaired. Thank god!
LikeLike
That is very very VERY not cool. I am so sorry this happened. I can only imagine how devastating this is, how much trust is lost, how utterly confused everyone inside must feel. Why say what she did if she couldn’t hold to it, knowing what she does? Major grrrrrr. I’m really sorry, RBCG.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks hun. Yes, that’s exactly what my brain has been doing all week. I felt so hurt. I’m still a bit shaken but we have managed to repair today.
LikeLike
Oh my goodness, RB. All the hugs to you and all your parts
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. It’s been week that’s for sure. Fortunately we made the repair properly today as we were able to schedule a session as she hasn’t gone yet. Man, though, my system can’t cope with this stuff!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hugs. I hope some time down the road, it can be something all of you can look back on with “Oh do you remember our first few ruptures?”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah – I think once lockdown is over it’ll be easier. Just right now I am in the brace position awaiting plane crash! I hate online therapy!!
LikeLike
Hugs. I’m really lucky that I never had to do online therapy because the clinic got an exemption for high risk cases and then therapists fought to get classified as essential workers in my country. My T was among those who pushed really hard because there were clients like me in abusive households without enough privacy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Anita could still open and see me – and she will if she comes home. The issue is that she is bubbling with her partner who lives three hours away and so she just won’t be at home now….ugh! ffs. So glad your therapy hasn’t been disrupted. xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hugs ❤️
LikeLike
Oh I’m so sorry. This is awful. I’m guessing she meant she’d keep seeing you even if measures were tightened where you are and hadn’t been prepared for a full lockdown which would stop her seeing her partner unless she stayed with them? It’s really sad she didn’t prepare you all for such a huge change. You’ll get through this and you know where I am if you need ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey CB. Thanks for this. Yes, basically that. Her plans for a potential lockdown changed when it turned out the people she thought she would bubble with have bubbled with others….and so it makes sense to bubble with her partner now. Adult me gets it but it was a hell of a shock to the system. We repaired it well today in person which is a huge huge weight off. x
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m really pleased to hear that, that must be a big relief. I’m reluctant to be critical of A as I don’t find it helpful when people are critical of K, but it is a shame she didn’t realise that what she’d said had changed and break it to you gently and with time to process, though being able to repair today is good! Hope you get through the next 4 weeks of remote therapy okay and that it is only 4 weeks this time! xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks CB. I agree. I wish she’d have realised I had no idea that the plan had changed and been more proactive in talking about it. Thankfully she’ll still be here Monday so we have a last face to face then. Thanks for your support 🌈
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m really glad you have another session and time to settle things more before the shift to online. I guess it shows Ts are a bit all over the place as well during this time. Hugs 💗
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks CB. Yes, I am so glad to have tomorrow. One more session though…eek. Fortunately we’ve been able to make it 75 minutes like Friday so it’ll give me some time to really work through the abandonment stuff. I don’t understand why she can’t just bubble with me????!! lol! xx
LikeLike
RBCG!! I’m so sorry. This just sucks!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks hun. Yeah it felt pretty crap but it’s resolved now. I’ve seen her today. Just got to find time to blog about it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
❤
LikeLike
Oh gosh. No no no no no! I hate it when they go and do shit like that. It almost makes it worse that she didn’t even seem to REMEMBER saying anything about it. Or if she did, what, was she hoping you’d forget? Not likely! So sorry you had this moment.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ooooommmmmpppppphhhhhh I’ll write about the next part over the weekend if I get chance to. It’s not that she’d forgotten. She was wobbling on Monday too. Man. I’m so tired!
LikeLiked by 1 person
oh noooooooo omg this was so hard to read. i see in your responses that you’ve resolved it a bit and i am relieved to hear it. still that must’ve felt like torture for a time. ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
This week has been complete hell for my system. And today’s session has left me totally wiped out. But I feel safe and loved so… thank bloody god! X
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh my, I feel your pain. What an awful abrupt change without explanation. I’m so sorry.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Sara. It was a huge shock to my system. Sometimes I wish I was more able to roll with it… but in this relationship everything is heightened!
LikeLike
Oh no how devastating! I recently experienced my counsellor offering something one session and then taking it away. We have only just began to repair from this. It was one of my counselling fears come true. I always worried that anything good she would take away.
I coukd understand why this would have impacted you and hurt you so deeply.
I am glad you have been able to talk through thus with her.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s so hard isn’t it? Inconsistency and broken promises is a problem from childhood and it just gets so activated – well the fall out of it! – in the therapeutic relationship. I hope you can continue to repair with your T. Hugs x
LikeLike
Gosh RBCG, what a week, glad to hear at least there has been a repair and you get some in person before she goes. Love and light x
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ah it’s all ok now…well, apart from the fact she is going away and online is happening again! But we’ll be ok. I really think that Anita is a safe therapist. She just made a big mistake and she’s taken responsibility for it. I’m just gonna have to survive one online session at a time!! x
LikeLike
Glad to read in the comments this has been repaired. My T & I had a bit of a wobble moment a week or so ago due to her underestimating a situation massively. She was right though. Us going through that and having the experience of repair and move on was very healing. No one can be perfect but it’s how they deal with the imperfections that make a difference. Sounds like A, as well as my T, are willing to say sorry, fucked up, my bad, not personal to you. And that makes a huge difference!
LikeLiked by 1 person
ABSOLUTELY. The repair is so healing. I’m glad your T is also able to say sorry and take responsibility. It’s such a change from Em!! ha. Still gutted about online but feel safe again with A so that’s good! x
LikeLike