Everything Is Fine.

Hi all,

Hope you’re all hanging in there in this bloody bleak misery that is ‘post clocks going back knackeredness and lethargy’! I don’t know about you but, honestly, I am completely done in. I haven’t acclimatised at all to the time change and my poor brain and body just can’t get to grips with the dark evenings and working to what feels like the middle of the night when it is, in fact, only 8:30pm when I stop work. I hope something gives soon because I really don’t think I’ll make it to Christmas in one piece if it doesn’t!

Zoom isn’t doing me any favours, either. Having myself reflected back on screen – crikey – talk about tired-looking! I really need a sunshine break and about a month off from the day-to-day grind or, failing that, some makeup that I can put on with a trowel! LOL. I really need a permanent filter on my face. My brain hasn’t caught up with the fact that I’m not twenty five anymore and am, actually, creeping towards forty!

Help!

I realise that I am blogging really infrequently these days and I wonder, actually, if anyone’s still reading this blog very much anymore. I rarely look at the data but today I did, and the stats seem high but the engagement not so much. Social media success (not that’s what I want or am looking for) seems to be built around putting out lots of content and hitting some secret crap tick on algorithms to keep ‘current’ and ‘visible’. I just don’t do that, nor do I have the time to, but I know what I am like online, I think we’ve all be programmed to be drip fed regular content and when that content doesn’t come we go and look for it somewhere else.

Anyway, that’s just some random thoughts because this blog really hasn’t been for anyone but me, it’s been my personal account of the ups and downs of my healing journey in therapy over the last several years. I am delighted, of course, to have come across some fabulous people along the way and your support has been so welcome and valuable. I guess there’s a part of me just wondering where I go from here. I think it’s perhaps because WordPress updated my site today and took another year of subscription payment and I thought, ‘Wow, do I even want to blog for another year?’

I’ve been so aware that I don’t have time to really write ‘properly’ anymore. I bang stuff out rather than craft it like I used to in the early days, and I notice it. Lots of the people I follow have fallen away over the years, too, they just stop blogging and I wonder if that’s kind of just what happens? People get to a point where they’re healed enough or bored enough and go do something else with their time?! Therapy is not central to their existence anymore and so they don’t need to write about it. I don’t know.

I know that when I first started this blog, and I was right stuck in the thick of that agonising attachment pain ALL THE TIME, I mean literally ALL THE TIME and being triggered week in week out by my therapy that I found it really comforting to be alongside other people who seemed to be in the same boat and at similar points along their therapy and mental health journey as me. It made me feel less alone, for sure. I often wondered, though, where the people who had come out the other side of the process were? Where were those people who had put the time in and gone the distance with therapy and were ‘better’ or at least ‘better than they were at the start’? And maybe I just haven’t come across many of those people but it’s a shame as I think it gives us all hope to know that it won’t always be terrible and triggering and …all the stuff.

I guess I feel, a bit, like I am transitioning into that space a bit now. I know that a lot of what I write here comes when I have had something blow up in therapy or there’s a rupture of some kind, but, actually, a lot of the time things are smooth and fine. Like today, I am here because I know the blog is sort of shrivelling up and dying, and I want to check in, but there’s nothing much to report right now. I mean, I’ve just eaten half a packet of bourbon biscuits Anita and I are doing the work, but I’m not sure if there’s anything especially interesting happening that you guys would want to read about. (Actually, there’s a blog that I need to write about what I think is/has signalled the end of my eating disorder – and I think that is massive!…)

That’s the thing, you know?- drama is interesting, ruptures get us engaged, BUT smooth, easy, doing the work with a solid therapist where things are connected and contained isn’t all that exciting is it? Does anyone want to hear about that, really? I know, in the past, when I would read stuff about therapists physically holding their clients or giving them transitional objects or washing something for the client so it smelled like them, and there seeming to be a really solid, loving connection, I would find it really painful to read because I so badly wanted that from Em and she would not budge on her boundary.

In some ways it felt like I was self-harming reading that stuff. I used to get that stabbing pain in my solar plexus and it would feel like that massive mother wound was just bleeding out. The thing is, reading those posts from those bloggers also helped me to see that my needs weren’t wrong, and that actually they could be met I just wasn’t with the right therapist for my needs and in the wrong environment to start healing my wounding.

So, what I hope, more than anything, for those of you that have read along with my significant struggles over the years in the therapeutic relationship with Em, is that you can see that it can get better but sometimes things have to get worse first. Sometimes therapeutic relationships don’t work out how you want- it’s not your fault- and there is the chance of something better elsewhere you just have to be brave enough to search for it.

If therapy tanks with one therapist that isn’t necessarily a reflection on you. It might seem to be repeating a pattern from the past, (we’re the common denominator), and we sooooo don’t want that to be the case, so we keep bailing out the leaky boat and trying to be what the therapist wants us to be…but that’s the problem. It’s not about fitting yourself into someone else’s idea of how you should be or behave ESPECIALLY IN THERAPY THAT YOU PAY FOR!! Sometimes, then it’s better to jump ship, swim in the cold water for a bit, and get to shore because the swim is easier than you imagine.

It’s really the thought of the cold water and the currents that keep us desperately clinging on and bailing out water with our hands as bucket loads flood in…and I swear to you, you’ll get through that bit where you feel untethered and alone. Not being triggered all the time and held ‘stuck’ in that desperate state of the sinking boat is so much of a relief especially when you make it onto dry land and find someone who is fully in your corner and actually can do ‘unconditional positive regard’.

Right, I’ll leave that absolute crap of a metaphor up there, now!

But without sounding gushy, I really can see how far I have come in the last couple of years. The shift inside has been so massive and it has meant that my life feels so much more manageable (even if I am always tired!).

I feel like Anita and I have reached that really lovely place where we ‘know’ each other, it’s safe (SAFE?? OMG I know what safe feels like now!), and no matter what comes up we can work through it. I am not scared of conflict or ruptures anymore – because when they happen there is such a lot of learning and growth, and most importantly, healing that comes from them. All of me, all the parts, KNOW that Anita can handle my rage and my love and all the feelings in between and that she actually welcomes all of me and all of my feelings. I am safe to feel my feelings and express them with her. She isn’t in the least bit bothered by my messy, unfiltered, reactive feelings and that’s so bloody freeing. To know I can have a hissy fit and run out the door one week and still be welcomed with open arms in the very same moment is massive. It’s something that was never afforded me as a child, and certainly not in my last therapy.

I know that maybe what I have written mightn’t make sense because, clearly, I still get triggered and there are ruptures – but relationships aren’t smooth all the time. What I am trying to say is that even when my ‘stuff’ is triggered in relation to Anita and the youngest parts are freaking out – deep down I know that the relationship I have with A is built on solid ground and there’s nothing we can’t find our way through, and because of that I can let out what needs to come, all the pain and anger and jealousy and god knows what that’s there and that’s so helpful. Anita sees me, all of me, all of my wounding, and she cares for all of the parts – even the ones that are complete pains in the arse!

Anyway, I am rattling on about not much here and I’m not convinced any of it makes sense! – so I’ll go make a cup of tea and have a few more biscuits and ponder on the post about the end of a twenty year eating disorder.

Take care all x

34 thoughts on “Everything Is Fine.

  1. behindapaintedsmile30 November 6, 2021 / 5:15 pm

    I have seen a lot of bloggers come and go, and yeah we don’t get to see the end result so to speak. I think that’s the downside of it being all about ruptures and drama. I think there’s a lot of value in the in between rupture sessions because that’s where things are being worked through. Ruptures trigger the codependent in me so I am more mindful about the posts I reply to because I want to rescue the person and I can’t! I also try to help rather than reinforce the helplessness. 😬 My blog doesn’t really serve much in the way of drama content!
    I’m glad that things are more settled and the end of your ED is huge progress. x

    Liked by 4 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 6, 2021 / 5:23 pm

      Yeah. That’s what I was thinking- is people being more interested in the drama. But actually the quiet, gentle, relational experiences that build on top of each other are important. Without them I would not have felt safe to lose my shit! 😅💩😂 Hope you’re doing ok. Take care 💜

      Liked by 2 people

  2. sablejay November 6, 2021 / 5:50 pm

    It’s lovely to read how you’ve found a safe place. Please don’t stop blogging! You’ve kept me feeling more sane (that I would have felt without your posts) for months and months, reading about your experiences and knowing that it’s not just me, reading your blog and being able to identify with some things has helped me feel less alone I guess, it helps to know that other people struggle with therapy too. Reading on the Internet about how wonderful therapy relationships are for most people and how it feels, made me feel like there was something wrong with me because i felt none of those things! Your blogs have helped me feel more normal. And this blog in particular gives me hope. I ended a therapy relationship a few months ago, that left me feeling worse and confused and more broken by the experience. With trepidation I’ve started over with a new therapist, who I think I’m starting to trust and find my confidence with. Reading this really positive and hopeful post gives me hope too. Thank you. I’m so pleased that you’re making such amazing progress. Keep going !!

    Liked by 4 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 6, 2021 / 6:08 pm

      Ah thanks. I’m so pleased you found this blog and it’s helped you a bit. That’s really awesome. I really hope that you’re new therapist continues to be a better fit for you and the trust builds. Trust is such a huge thing for those of us that have been so hurt by those who we should have been able to trust. I’m almost two years into working with Anita but I absolutely do trust her now… it’s been slow going! Take care x

      Liked by 3 people

  3. SunsetCherryBlossom November 6, 2021 / 5:51 pm

    Definitely still reading! I’ve learned such a lot from your blog – after being in therapy for over a year I had no idea if I was “doing it right”, but then I found your blog and others linked to it and realised that I wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t “wrong” at all! Perhaps you think that reading about it all going well isn’t particularly exciting but for those of us who have followed you for a while, it’s amazing to read about you being in a good place!

    Liked by 4 people

  4. LovingSummer November 6, 2021 / 8:32 pm

    Another voice to say your blog is a point of sanity for me and I would really miss hearing how you are, but I do agree, the more healed people get the less they seem to be posting here! You might have felt that you write differently but I still find what you write is very well put together, in such a way as to make the reader feel included, like a guided tour, and it it resembles their own experiences so it’s more of a map.

    Liked by 3 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 6, 2021 / 9:26 pm

      Thanks LS. I guess I just reached that point today where I thought – how many more times can I write about connecting with A, her holding and containing presence and how good it all is for my nervous system and young parts. I guess, though, I banged on for years about how painful it was with Em so maybe can view this as a balancing act! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  5. LovingSummer November 6, 2021 / 8:38 pm

    Ps: it’s not too difficult to read about the success of your therapy. Rather, it is a beacon of light that shines on the way is CAN be, and gives hope that it might be possible. It might not, but it just might too!

    Liked by 4 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 6, 2021 / 9:28 pm

      Thank you. Yeah. I think even though I felt so sad sometimes (even cried once when someone got given a teddy by their T because the longing from my inner child was so massive), overall it made me see that what I needed was possible … just not with Em.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Lizzy November 7, 2021 / 1:58 am

    Hi! I actually sent you a message through your contact form yesterday(?) because I’m a recent new follower who may be responsible for the uptick in stats 😅 zero pressure to reply – although I do hope it gets to you! I’ve seen that same ‘people dropping off/moving on’ in my sleep disorder community when people finally get their diagnosis and treatment regimen in some semblance of order. But just because the sleep disorder isn’t quite so central (or, as I learned, beyond the ‘crisis’ phase) to their identity doesn’t mean it’s not still influencing or coloring the ‘new’ central identity parts – but it probably does look different (and now that’s swirling a bunch of other thoughts in my head). Maybe different in one person’s case means not blogging, and another it means writing or creating in a different direction. Anyways, this is getting way too long for an internet stranger, I’ll just repeat that I’ve found a lot of value in the pieces of yourself that you’ve shared here already, and that will be the case however much you can/do or don’t choose to share going forward :]

    Liked by 3 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 7, 2021 / 8:48 am

      Thanks Lizzie. I’ve just seen your email (that gmail account is just for blog so I don’t check it as often as my personal account), I’ll reply later today. Glad you find this waffle valuable 😂X

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Sara November 7, 2021 / 3:47 pm

    Your blog was one of the first ones I connected to when I started blogging over a year ago. What you share has been so incredibly helpful for me. You really gave me hope when I decided to switch therapists (a switch that has been profoundly healing for me). I really hope you decide to continue, but whatever you choose please know that you’re having a positive powerful impact on others. 💗💗💗

    Liked by 2 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 9, 2021 / 11:02 am

      Thanks Sara. I’m so glad that your switch to a new therapist has been so good for you. I didn’t think I would survive losing Em (at the time) but so much good has come from the work with Anita – and I really am glad that my journey has helped people make some tough decisions too. I will keep writing if people find it useful…but might now not spew thousands of words at a time! x

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sara November 9, 2021 / 1:10 pm

        I look forward to continue reading as many words as you choose to share. 💗💗

        Liked by 1 person

      • Sara November 9, 2021 / 3:51 pm

        🤣

        Like

  8. skinnyhobbit November 7, 2021 / 5:05 pm

    Yeah, I definitely wonder about folks who’ve come and gone over the 8 (9?) years I’ve lurked on WP etc, and always hope that’s because they’re doing well. ❤

    Personally, I don’t mind reading about “mundane”. A WP friend writes daily about life in general and I don’t find it boring!

    Your post, like LS said, also gives hope that good therapy exists, and that people can “settle in”.

    ❤❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 9, 2021 / 11:03 am

      🙂 Thanks lovely. If mundane is ok then I’ll keep at it. I am not daft, though, I know there’ll be ruptures galore to spice things up here and there! xx

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Lucy King November 7, 2021 / 8:30 pm

    So lovely to hear you’re doing well and things feel stable and good RB 👏🏼 that’s what it’s all about. That’s what the hard work and good therapy is for! I feel less of an inclination to write when I’m feeling stable… when things are hard we need more support and connection, so we write more… that makes sense to me. If I feel alone and struggling, it’s one of my first thoughts to write on here. But most of the time these days there isn’t a pull to write and share. In fact there hasn’t been a pull to journal either which is very unlike me. I feel solid in things with Mark and despite some of the work being incredibly painful and deep, I know it’s the work I need to do… I guess it sounds quite selfish but there just isn’t the desperate need for me to write when I feel like things are going well and also, like you said in better wording than this, I don’t want to rub salt in the wound by writing about how well things are going for me, when I know how hard it is to read that when you’re not in that place. Though saying that, when I lost Anna, the hardest thing for me to read about was other people talking about their abandonment anxiety when they still had their therapist. But anyway… triggers just show us where our wounding is eh! Ramble ramble… nice to see you posting RB and great to see despite the exhaustion you’re doing good 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 9, 2021 / 11:06 am

      Hi L. I think you and I have reached fairly similar places with therapy and blogging. I used to HAVE to write after a session (journal) and was keen to blog quickly but now I just let therapy happen. Same about recording sessions. I used to listen back to them after each session – now I rarely do, usually only if there’s been a rupture and I have been triggered so I can hear it again with ‘fresh ears’! Take care hun and I guess if I apply my attitude to other people’s blogs – i.e you and Q who write less frequently now, I am still pleased to see what you do write when it comes. Take care x

      Liked by 2 people

  10. Clara November 8, 2021 / 9:36 am

    I have spent a couple of days trying to put words together but whatever illness I have got seems to have come with a helping of brain fog so I’ve struggled! So I’ll just say I’ve read your words and I hear you. I guess it’s natural to go through changes in writing and what you share as you yourself change. You’ll find a way that works best for you and that’s what matters most. Huge hugs xx

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Carol anne November 8, 2021 / 1:11 pm

    I’m still reading. I feel the same about my theraputic relationship with eileen. She’s loving, caring, kind, compassionate, and even when there are ruptures, we get through them, and I know its safe, she’s safe. Xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 9, 2021 / 11:08 am

      Ah excellent. So glad you’re along for the ride. Finding safety with a therapist is no mean feat and I am so glad that you have that. x

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Mac November 8, 2021 / 7:06 pm

    it’s so nice to hear that things have finally calmed down and are heading in the right direction. Part of me is totally jealous but at the same time am completely happy for you. You give me hope that eventually life settles down and that things can get better….xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 9, 2021 / 11:10 am

      Ha – calmed down for now!! She’s away from Thursday to Tuesday so there’s definitely opportunity for things to go to shit this coming week! lol. There is hope. It can and does get better. It was so much about finding the right fit – Anita has made me feel safe enough to be me with her and so then I’ve been able to do the work. x

      Liked by 1 person

  13. individualmedley17 November 9, 2021 / 10:09 am

    I agree with everyone else; I think we are all glad you have made such progress with A, mainly because we care about you, but also because it shows us what is possible. It would be good to hear about the calm sessions too, maybe that is what I am missing in my therapy! Seriously though, I have found it really helpful and inspiring to read Q’s blog, so I hope you also continue to write as you come out the other side of the healing process. X

    >

    Liked by 2 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum November 9, 2021 / 11:11 am

      Ah thanks IM. That’s really kind of you to say that. I’ll get on with some calm session posts when my day-to-day life settles….in 2025!! Take care x

      Liked by 1 person

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