Disruptions Are Unsettling.

It’s been a few weeks since I last posted. Life has been just as hectic as ever this end. It’s all been pretty same same…where same same is high anxiety, stress, and general survival – holding it together with rubber bands and chewing gum!

Therapy over this time has been fine, there’s nothing really ‘big’ or ‘blogworthy’ I can think of to talk about hence the fact that I haven’t posted in a while…and add to the fact it’s the school holidays and we’ve had family visiting, there hasn’t been much available free time to sit and type.

Anita and I have been getting down to work and it’s been good. It’s felt really comfortable in so much as no matter what comes up, we can get through it and process together. I’ve had lots of really strong somatic responses to the stuff we’ve been talking about – I am so over pins and needles in my feet and cramp in my legs! When I am with Anita, I feel confident that she cares and that I am safe with her and that’s a big part of the work – it feels safe to feel the feelings with her.

I wish I still kept notes from my sessions because I literally have no idea what’s gone on in the last few weeks – the specifics escape me almost immediately after a session unless there’s something very important or memorable happened. Instead, what I tend to be left with is a feeling of how things are/have been…and that feeling is that it’s ‘fine’ or ‘good’ even if the content has been ‘hard’ or ‘upsetting’.

I think I had hit a bit of a complacent patch “Ha! I’ve mastered this therapy business.” Because the time between sessions has been ok (even if life is really tough) and it’s felt like two sessions a week has been just the right amount of holding and containment to cope with what the world throws at me…which btw seems to be giant dollops of horse shit a lot of the time!

So…good…it’s been manageable…

It’s not so good, then, when that routine gets thrown out the window at short notice.

Oh no!

It’s a fucking great disaster when that happens! That’s when I realise that things are hanging by a thread and not quite as good as I think…or…I guess a different way of looking at it, is that that my maintenance plan works but is very necessary to keep things going.

Anita and I have had some largely ‘adult’ sessions recently, where I have talked about some really big things that required a lot of trust to bring to the room – one of these sessions was last Thursday. Yeah, Thursday, not Friday. Anita had to reschedule my Friday session last week which was ok (only a little internal wobble!) but I was conscious that it felt longer until Monday. I knew I would cope but would be ready for the Monday session when it arrived.

Over the weekend the young parts started to move in after the string sessions with them being largely absent. I could really feel that little part missing A and wanting to be close to her. Rather than ignore that little voice inside, on Sunday evening I text Anita and asked if we could read stories in our Monday session. I felt really small that evening and like I could just use a session where we would connect and cuddle and hear some of the little one’s concerns. I needed a bit of a break from the hard work I had been doing in previous sessions and to give those child parts space so that they didn’t creep out into the week between sessions and hijack me when the attachment stuff got really activated.

I went to bed early on Sunday night, I felt really tired and a bit hormonal and figured the sooner I went to bed the sooner I’d get to therapy and put some of the things that were bothering me down for a while.

I woke up at 10:20pm and glanced at my phone. There was a message from A. I assumed it would be a message to say that we could read stories and she’d see me in the morning.

It wasn’t.

It took a few seconds to process what was there before my heart sank and that internal wailing from the youngest parts kicked in.

I responded to her message about cancelling the session and then turned over in bed and cried… a lot. Of course, Anita can’t help getting sick. It’s just one of those things that happen. It just felt really bad timing. Adult me gets it – those young parts who were so ready for a story did not.

I hardly slept on Sunday night, my anxiety sky-rocketed and every small sound in the house set my system jangling. On Monday morning I asked my wife if she might be around on Wednesday morning so I could get to session, but she is in meetings and has some big work stuff on this week that was already causing her/us stress and so she wouldn’t be available.

I’ve mentioned before that it’s been a real nightmare these last few months with my wife’s job, anyway, and it’s all coming to a head at the moment so I really, really needed to retreat into that calm space with A this week as I am freaking out inside. Sometimes it just feels like the universe conspires against me!

I’m still not sure if I can get to Friday’s session this week, and next week looks impossible, too. It’s a nightmare trying to rope in favours for childcare over the summer holidays in order to get to sessions, and whilst I’ve done reasonably well over this break it’s just looking really unlikely that I’ll get to see Anita face to face between now and school returning.

I can, of course, do online sessions which are better than nothing, but are far from ideal especially when my body is off its tits and just won’t calm down and the young parts are really activated.

I feel physically sick from the anxiety I am feeling this week. It’s so annoying because I had been doing well, even though things felt scary and difficult…but now, well, jeez it’s hideous. I think some of it is tied to my cycle too – I feel paranoid about bad things happening when I have PMS and this is really heightened this month…although I think I have mentally adopted the brace position until I know the lay of the land with my wife’s job.

I don’t really have anything much more to say – I guess I just needed to let off steam about this somewhere where people will understand how big a deal not getting to therapy and last minute disruptions are.

Hope you are all holding up ok. x

18 thoughts on “Disruptions Are Unsettling.

  1. Clara August 17, 2021 / 6:20 pm

    Oh gosh RB, you really are getting a field full of manure! I wish I lived closer /knew you irl, as I’d I’ve child sat in a heartbeat. That’s probably really unhelpful…but I wanted to let you know I heard that big need for sessions with Anita. Big hugs xxx

    Liked by 4 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 18, 2021 / 10:08 am

      Thanks darling. It’s kind of you to say that. I’ve just had a flat online WhatsApp call so feel even more disconnected now. I wish I hadn’t have bothered. X

      Liked by 1 person

  2. JH August 17, 2021 / 6:27 pm

    Summer is a horrible time with therapy breaks and other life events that get in the way of being able to access what we need. Roll on September (although I don’t want to go back to work) lol xx

    Liked by 3 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 18, 2021 / 10:09 am

      Totally agree. I don’t want term to start either!! I’m so over things right now. Fed up of everything feeling so fucking hard. How are you? X

      Liked by 1 person

      • JH August 18, 2021 / 12:34 pm

        It’s been horrible mental health wise TBH. I think a combo of T away for 5 weeks and not having structure to my day so my brain not having routine to focus me. X

        Liked by 3 people

  3. Q August 17, 2021 / 9:21 pm

    There needs to be some kind of system to provide childcare while parents get therapy during school breaks. Just like a safe, engaging space for them to hang out in. Toys for younger kids, games for older kids, a couple of responsible adults around. There need to be more supports, period. It shouldn’t be this hard.

    Liked by 4 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 18, 2021 / 10:11 am

      That would be a really good plan. The stress of not being able to go ancestors instead doing video call is just Bleurgh. I feel so sad today after a disconnected call. It’s just not good for me online and now I feel even worse than I did before. Didn’t help that Anita hadn’t even clocked that the cancellation might have unsettled me. Ugh.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. SunsetCherryBlossom August 17, 2021 / 9:50 pm

    Ah it’s so so hard when sessions are cancelled last minute, when you’ve built up to it, and counted the days. So sorry. Hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. droppingintome August 17, 2021 / 11:03 pm

    This exact thing happened to me two weeks back and it was destabilizing. I’ve been back in person since the beginning of the summer (praise!) and sessions have been very containing. Similarly felt like “wow I’m doing so awesome” after going back in person 2x/week, then when it gets disrupted I am promptly reminded that therapy is a huge reason I’ve been doing better.
    Anyway, I understand, and I’m sorry for your disruption. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • rubberbandsandchewinggum August 18, 2021 / 10:13 am

      It’s definitely destabilising when things get disrupted… and therapy is definitely the maintenance plan. Hope you’ve regained your footing now x

      Liked by 1 person

  6. skinnyhobbit August 22, 2021 / 12:33 pm

    I really hope you can see her soon, especially after the flat WhatsApp call 💜

    Liked by 1 person

      • skinnyhobbit August 22, 2021 / 2:04 pm

        Definitely! Their smoke alarms are blaring. I’m confident they will slowly relax with more time and consistent therapy with Anita 😊❤

        Like

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