So, last Monday’s session (where I found out that Anita was actually not now going to be here during lockdown so we can’t have our sessions face-to-face like she’d promised) triggered an EPIC meltdown on my part. I mean it was really something else!
I know how attached I have become to A but I really wasn’t expecting this from my system – or at least I thought I might be able to hide my response a bit if it did happen! – errr that’d be a no then!
I know it’s dramatic, but it felt as though I’d been betrayed on Monday. The rug had been pulled out from beneath my feet and I was left reeling, wondering what on earth had just happened and if what I feel to be true about mine and Anita’s relationship (that it’s real and solid and meaningful) was just lies and wishful thinking. If she could do a U-turn on something like this then what else wasn’t safe?
Needless to say, this week has been an emotional marathon (and I am really more of a 5km girl!!)
I left the session completely bereft. Crying in the car I just did not know what to do with myself. I couldn’t help but catastrophise. After everything that happened with Em it’s so easy to go into panic, fear the worst, lose trust, and this triggers complete survival mode and shut down from my system. The pain in this area – my attachment wound- is so sore that it can feel safer to run away then turn around and face it because what’s the point in trying? I have no control over the other person, I can’t change them or affect their response but I have control of whether I allow them close enough to hurt me, right?
And it’s not like track record for ruptures has been great (Ok actually, Anita has always been brilliant but…that’s not where my brain was at!!). If I try and tell someone how they’ve hurt me or let me down it doesn’t always end in a repair. I mean when Em likened my child parts to a tick, I tried so hard to tell her what was going on with me, in the hope that we could work through it, but instead it just got thrown back in my face and I got terminated. I was the problem. I was too sensitive. Too defensive. Ugh. I know that Anita is nothing like Em but there is a part of me that just doesn’t want to be open to being hurt anymore.
I drove home struggling with some many competing voices in my head and the somatic response was just agony – shaking, nausea, racing heartbeat. I called my friend and thankfully she was on hand to pick me up off the floor and try and help me get some perspective: yes this hurts but Anita is safe.
I was cycling through those really unbearable young feelings at mach speed. The angry mistrusting teen who just wanted to cut and run and the little one who just needs to be held close and told things are ok were so loud. It was like being pulled in two opposing directions. Adult me was nowhere to be seen. My system had gone into flight mode after the freeze response in session and it felt like the end of the world.
I simply cannot do this again. I cannot withstand losing my attachment figure…and whilst that sounds dramatic that is exactly how it felt.
After some discussion with my friend I decided that there was no way I could sit with this until Friday and try and work it through in an online session. I needed to let A know what was going on, I needed her to know the impact that our session had just had on me and to try and help me settle down. I mean I was cuddled into her crying for the last fifteen minutes of the session but I don’t know if she knew it was because I felt so hurt and let down by the news that she was going away for lockdown after promising she’d see me should we get locked down, or whether she thought it was just separation anxiety and I was going to miss her.
One of the many, many positives about my relationship with Anita is that she allows me to contact her between sessions so at least the panic and shame about reaching out isn’t there like it was with Em. I don’t have to jump a bunch of internal hurdles about whether I should contact her and that is such a huge relief.
By the time I was thinking about constructing a message to Anita, there was a message on my phone from her. It was lovely, but I think it shows that she had no idea that I was circling rupture zone:
I spent some time typing out a message on my phone and pressed send:
I know it’s unlikely at this short notice but do you have any free slots on Wednesday? I’m feeling really panicked but also really like I just want to run away and never see you again. The teen part that really believes that this is not real is having a field day – ‘I told you so. It’s all lies’. The other week when I was upset and feeling like things weren’t safe because I sensed a lockdown was inevitable you told me we’d be ok and that you’d still see me because it’s what I need. I wasn’t expecting today to find out that this wasn’t the case now. I understand why you are going away. It makes sense to my adult. But the youngest most vulnerable parts don’t understand at all. It just feels abandoning. It feels like it’s hard to trust what is real and what’s just empty words now. I hate that I am like this. I hate being so affected by things that normal people just don’t even notice. I feel embarrassed that I am so upset. I get that it isn’t easy for anyone and I absolutely don’t want to push you away but equally there’s a really strong pull for me to just cut and run. There’s also another part that feels terribly alone in the snow and the teen part will happily let her freeze x
She responded by offering me a time that I couldn’t make (ARRRGGGHHHH!!!), which obviously isn’t her fault, but it just sent me into a big huff. I was going to be sitting with this for a fucking eternity and there was no possibility of seeing her. I so desperately wanted to see her but I couldn’t possibly let her know! Jeez.
What comes next is the wheels falling off:
Oh sweet mother of God…help me! Or at least stop my hands! – text bomb:
Oh man. Reading it back now I am in proper ‘crawl into a hole and die’ mode. But as you can see I was proper activated. I continued on with my texts…ping ping ping… poor Anita!:
I just feel like nothing is real and it’s terrifying. I just really need a big hug and to make a plan on how to get through this next month…or longer. It’s worse than a break. And whilst I have sensed it coming it’s just too sudden for my system. And I feel like you’re gone. But also like I don’t know who you are ☹
She responded by telling me that she would love to give me a hug and that she was sorry and had herself had a wobble because she didn’t see it coming or that the plans would change, to let’s meet up on Friday and find a way forward followed by a hug GIF for the child parts.
Which helped no end! I could feel myself starting to settle a bit. The panic was subsiding. Things would be ok. She wasn’t abandoning me. I would be able to see her on Friday before she leaves and a face-to-face repair felt possible. Her willingness to engage with me, to try to make things better showed that she is the Anita I think she is. She is not Em. I was still massively hurting but could see now that whatever has happened hasn’t been deliberate.
But still the texts continued. FUCK ME…the shame…:
I know it’s really really hard for everyone – all of us – and I’m not trying to be a difficult pain in the arse psycho because I get that you are human too and it’s been an impossible fucking year – and we’re not unhinged (well I am!) is anyone’s guess. I did see it coming. I’ve just been surprised it’s taken so long. I’m always frightened of change because I don’t cope very well with it which is why everything is so controlled in my life and I need tonnes of notice and preparation to get my youngest parts safe before things happen. Adult me can, and will, power through this because that’s what I have trained into myself: keep going no matter what…. It’s just underneath it’s a fucking shambles. And there is so much stuff trying to work its way out at the moment internally that I feel like I have third degree burns all over my body – this last 48 hours (since lockdown announced) feels like I have been thrown into a vat of vinegar. I literally don’t know what to do because it’s so painful. I don’t want to feel like I can’t trust you – but that’s how sensitive my system is. Flight mode is pretty much default. I love you x
Anita replied with another kind message apologising and acknowledging that she had let me down, saying she really knows that she needs to be grounded and solid for me and that she hadn’t been in that session because of her own panic around the lockdown. It really helped to see her human side. I told her that I actually needed authenticity and the truth above anything else. I would rather her be her than attempt being solid when she isn’t feeling it. If she had told me she wasn’t feeling brilliant herself in the session it would have made sense – the mutual disconnect and the fact that she wasn’t really on the ball with letting me know what was going on or making any kind of plan.
I then told her that my meltdown simply stemmed from my being scared of distance, ‘I don’t like feeling far away from you and the littlest parts don’t feel safe unless I can hear your heart beating…which is just fucking cringey’. And that’s the reality, those youngest parts only seem to regulate when they are being held and I can actually hear her steady heartbeat. My breathing slows down, the tension in my system slowly ebbs away, and eventually my breathing matches hers – long and slow rather than rapid and shallow. It’s at this point that the young parts can really come out and tell her what’s going on for them.
The little four-year-old self can’t speak unless she feels contained and right now the only way that she feels safe is being physically close. This is why therapy with Em was so traumatic. The young part would be there, terrified, dysregulated, alone, and Em would just leave her…not just physically, but emotionally too. Being stranded in that pain is hideous. Anita recognises that and responds to it and it is so healing.
Anyway, there was more back and forth – honestly the poor woman got totally spammed on Monday! She reiterated that she really does care and loves me and that she would never purposefully hurt me and we continued working things through and we sort it all out on Friday.
I still felt out of sorts through the week but it would come in waves. Adult me was more available at times, but at other times I’d descend into panic again.
I had a really horrible dream- an old favourite- on Tuesday night where I was in a plane feeling scared, holding onto the seat and repeating ‘I am safe…I am safe…I am safe’ only everyone else was up in the aisles screaming at each other. I went and sought refuge in the toilet for some peace. It was different to a normal plane. There was window. As I looked out, I realised we were too low, skirting alongside some snowy mountains. Suddenly the plane nose dived and started corkscrewing down. I smashed my head on the ceiling and was terrified. The falling seemed to last forever and then suddenly the plane righted itself. Only, now there was another problem, the mountain range surrounded the plane on three sides. We were set to crash into the face of the mountain. The pilot pulled the plane up into an almost vertical ascent….and then I woke up!
FUCKING STRESS!!
Somehow, I made it through the week. I changed my craniosacral session to Wednesday from Thursday as it wasn’t completely clear whether K will be able to work. I needed to get some kind of nervous system regulation and talk about what had happened with A. K was incredible and if I get chance, I will write about these sessions with her soon because they too are soooooo helpful and holding in a different way. Body work has been such a brilliant addition to my talk therapy.
However, despite the lovely session with K, I didn’t sleep properly Wednesday night. The panic about Anita was ramping up. I genuinely felt like I was going to get a text to tell me she wasn’t going to be there on Friday. That she’d left on Wednesday night and we’d have to work online. I could feel the disappointment and rage flooding in. So, I text her and told her. She quickly put my mind at ease and told me she was looking forward to seeing me. Thank god.
And that is the frigging stress of the week before the repair session!! I’ll write another post about that as it’s loooooonng!!
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I appreciate that there’s a window of a couple of HUGE weeks missing in this blog and reading between the lines here you’ll have probably worked out that the stuff that’s really changed has been about expressing love and the level physical holding in the relationship with A. It’s been transformational for me which is also why I have reacted so terribly to needing to return to online. The thought of losing all this is just totally overwhelming.
I have been reluctant to talk about it publicly due to the fact that so many people are struggling with remote therapy and having all kinds of new boundaries in place in the therapy room, losing hugs and touch, and I feel like it could be triggering for some and I really don’t want to make things worse for any of us in a pretty fucking unbearable situation.
I know, in the past this sort of thing (reading about the holding and expressions of love on blogs) has triggered me because I have so badly wanted this from Em and never got anywhere close. I am delighted for the people that receive it but I have felt literal pain in my stomach when I realise how strong the need has been in me and how painful it has been not to receive it. Throw in the pandemic and I don’t want to be seen as insensitive to other people. So, I will get to it, but as I said, it’ll probably be passworded.
There’s also a fear on my part. I just don’t want any backlash for what is happening in my therapy because frankly I have had years and years of shit, traumatising experiences in the room, and want to be able to celebrate what’s going on with you and feel good about it. And I know the vast majority of you will be cheering for me, but I also know that when we are struggling ourselves it’s hard not to project our own feelings of anger and dissatisfaction onto others – ‘this is wrong, she shouldn’t do that, social distancing…’ blah blah blah.
So, thanks for being patient but also sorry for the break in chronology and weird cryptic stuff! I just don’t know what to do for the best.
Enjoy your Sundays x x
Rubber Bands and Chewing Gum 
Your: “…errr that’d be a no then!” Made me laugh! I like your humour.
Please don’t feel you have to hide your therapy successes to shield people who are struggling at the moment. What your posts do, is show how it SHOULD be done, and that’s really good to read. It’s like a measure to… not compare in a bad way… but she’s light on really good therapy. It’s like hunting on Pinterest for shelving ideas to find out what you think you need (haven’t don’t that, by the way, not sure why I said that!). And after reading all you’ve been through, it’s great to celebrates others you when you finally get what you deserve. Please don’t hide all of that, not from me anyway! It’s heartening to read ♥️
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HA! Yep … In a triggered state I really am no further forward! lol. Blessing is A can help me regulate and repair where Em just left me hanging. I have been thinking a lot about the blog and just really don’t know what to do for the best. I guess I just feel really conscious of the fact that I have been getting cuddles and touch …although I am fucking in a state and regressed when it happens! I mean we don’t just start off in cuddle mode! It’s been so amazing getting what I have known in my soul that I have needed my whole life – and to not be left in an emotional wasteland when in my four year old part – and I just can’t bear the idea of someone being angry about it or accusing me of breaking the rules with social distancing. And I can only think of one person who may feel this way but … ugh crikey. It’s a minefield. Still we’re back to online on Friday (seeing her to tomorrow too) so noone can be cheesed off then as I sink back into attachment hell and separation doom! x
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Oh yeah, I didn’t even think of the social distancing thing. Bloody coronavirus!
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Yeah exactly. That’s why I am worried. However it would be fucking unethical to leave me in the state I sometimes find myself in doing this kind of deep trauma work with young parts…but ugh. FFS! Such a headache.
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It really is!
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I enjoy reading your story! Hope you are feeling better now..
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Ah thank you Nadya. I am feeling much better now, thanks. Our session on Friday was really helpful. I am just a bit panicked about getting through to DECEMBER!! Argh! x
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Oh my goodness, you do not owe us an apology. We are all going through things but happy to see things when they go well too. It shocks me how similar our journeys are sometimes too. My inner kids are pre-verbal, 5, 10, and 14. Like your 4 yr old, my 5 yr old is all about the hugs and my 14 yr old gets pissed on her own behalf and if one of the younger gets get hurt. She protects them! The 10 yr old is less predictable and more prone to flight. I totally understand how it feels when they all melt down at once. Armageddon to the nervous system. I had a similar situation to yours recently and it all worked out and as it turns out, is part of the process. I added a therapist for EMDR recently and that makes a huge difference. One foot in front of the other…keep going.
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Ah thank you so much for this healing1973, it means a lot. I just never know what to do for the best. I want this blog to be authentic and there for people that need it but equally I am not putting myself out here to be potentially shot down in flames. Sounds like our internal systems are quite similar – I have a very young baby, a barely 2yr old, 7yr, 11 yr, young teen 13, and a 17 year old…..fun fun fun …. and noisy!! So glad you are getting your therapies working for you. I have really benefited from my dream team super combo! Makes me wonder wtf I was doing with Em for all those years! Take good care 🙂 x
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How did you discover what age your parts are? Sorry if that’s a big question, don’t feel pressured to explain if not comfortable. 🙂
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I have kids and I noticed when they were little what stages they were at and how that tied into my experience but also the older parts really are like me frozen in time at that age. The flashbacks etc….and they come from specific periods/ages. x
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That makes a lot of sense. Thanks for explaining 🙂
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I can see how bad it felt and how bad you feel about the meltdown.. but what comes across so clearly is what an ally you have in A, who gets why your system responds how it does, and meets you with as much authenticity and vulnerability as she can muster. It sounds like you already figured it out with her, but if you hadnt met yet, I’d be sure that you would. ❤
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Hey Slantgirl… I agree what A and I have is really special. I know it. And the fact that I can confidently take my pain and anger to her and have it responded to so we can metabolise it is AMAZING. She is on my side and I know she loves me. I feel it. What happened this week was a mess…but it didn’t come from a place of neglect or lack of care. It was a mistake. I’ll get to writing about it ….when I find a minute. Bloody working week is mad at the moment! x
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After what you endured with Em I am so happy you are having your needs finally met with Anita – you deserve all the love, touch and your little parts held and safe. I often feel bad that I am still seeing my T in person and have done since July, and others aren’t so I can empathise with your worry, but I still feel those who read your blogs will be as chuffed as I am that you have that relationship with Anita. I’m really upset that the touch that I’d just started to ask for and recieve has been withdrawn, but I’m going to try and talk about it in next session. I hope my comment about this on a previous post hasn’t fed your doubts about sharing your journey.
Have a good Sunday too x
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Thank you hun. No. I didn’t have you specifically in mind when I have been panicking about the blog and being public about the holding stuff. Although I am mindful that there are a lot of people out there that might be triggered reading what I have to say and I genuinely don’t want to hurt anyone or make anything any worse for people. 2020 is hard enough already. I really hope that talking to your T will help with this horrible feeling of losing hugs. I guess I should just post it all and then say….’but look, I am miserable again and stuck with online sessions and my child parts are basically suicidal – please have empathy!’ lol. x
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Ahhh I’m so glad you have such a strong bond with A. You went through utter hell with Em, there’s a lot of healing to do and it’s awesome you now have what you need and deserve to work on it all.
I wouldn’t worry about comparing or worrying what other people might think… unfortunately some people will always blur themselves with others, there’s not alot we can do about that. I mean, do I wish I still had Anna, yep. Am I jealous of everyone who didn’t lose their amazing therapists at the start of the lockdown? No. That wouldn’t bring her back to me. Do I wish I could have had face to face sessions through all of this? Yep. Do I want to rip that from everyone else who does have face to face? Nope… if other people show anything other than support for you then they have their own shit to work on.
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Thanks L. I know that most people will be happy for me and not begrudge the healing that is coming from this level of intimacy but I am very aware that I don’t want to trigger any landmines. I guess it’s just about me feeling very vulnerable and fragile and just not being able to absorb much from others at the minute. Still, as of today I am back to online so….noone can moan about my hugs can they?! I’m trying to be brave but inside it’s crumbling…I feel so sad. Ugh, Hope you are hanging on in there x
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Ahhh, crumbling with you RB. Sending love x
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Oh love, I am sorry to hear this. I’ve gone over the edge this last week too. Two online sessions and complete carnage. I just can’t even cope with it! Take good care of yourself xxx
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Iâm so glad you have A. She sounds very caring and kind. Iâm glad your parts trust her.
Ray
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She’s really brilliant – such a good fit for me. The problem with this, of course, is that separation feels unbearable. Argh!!
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So glad you have A and I hope you and all your parts can feel loved and safe and good again ❤
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We’ve done a great job of reconnecting and repairing these last two sessions but now it in online from here on out so……eeek. I just want to cry!
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if it helps at all, please know i find a lot of comfort knowing that at least SOME ONE is doing therapy in person and getting what they need. ❤
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Thank you. Well, I’m back in the leaky boat with everyone else now. Two online sessions in and it’s been utterly horrific and totally destabilising! aRRGGHHHH!! Hope you are ok x
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I understand why you were so upset and spinning out via text about A because she said one thing and then seemed to forget about what she had promised. That hurts and is scary, and is even worse when it’s attached to any kind of separation. I read through the comments and I’m really glad that you guys were able to repair it— although I’m sorry you are back to online therapy. It’s definitely not the same. It’s better than no therapy, but it’s not the same. Oh— I also want to reiterate what others have said. You shouldn’t feel you have to hide aspects of your therapy. Even though I’ve only seen Bea online during this time, that doesn’t mean I’m can’t be glad that you have been able to see A face to face during some of this time or feel empathy that having to go back to online is very hard. And I think if cuddles work for you and A, that is between the two of you. It’s just about what works for you. Bea holds my hand sometimes, or at least she used to when we had face to face therapy, and the little girl part misses that feeling of safety and reassurance.
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Thanks Alice. I think I may end up just publishing my posts. I haven’t written any and am way behind and out of chronology – I just can’t find the time or energy to write. I’m so overwhelmed and unsettled now that I’m back to online sessions. It is a complete shit show so I think people will probably not be grumpy now if I talk about the cuddles as I am back in online zoom doom like everyone else and a million miles away from A! Take good care of yourself xx
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You should publish them if you feel safe enough to do it. This community, being able to speak my truth and have understanding for others, that has been so essential in my healing. I have times where I can’t find energy to write, or even seem to clear my head enough to be able to write something coherent, and it’s really painful for me, so I am sorry writing is hard right now. Online sessions are really hard. I’ve had bad ones and good ones. There’s been times where I feel like Bea is just too far away and I can’t connect with her. It’s like I can’t “feel” her so parts— especially the young parts— can’t decide if she is still Bea and safe. One thing we did that really has helped (I should post about this maybe) is we spent a session setting up my therapy space. We made a little blanket tent in the corner of my guest room. I put Bea on my phone and carried her around with my while I found things to make a safe space out of. Blankets, pillows, a stuffed animal that remind me of the cloud stuffie that is “mine” at Bea’s office (and she brings cloud to online therapy), a little modeling clay cloud she made me last year before a two week break, a candle that is the same scent as the candle she uses in her office. I don’t know if that’s an option for you, and I know it sounds a little silly; I rolled my eyes and thought it was dumb when Bea suggested we do this, but it has helped. Now I sit in my safe space for therapy, and Bea brings cloud and lights her candle, and it feels better to me and the parts feel more connected to Bea now. Also, sometimes I go sit there when things feel really bad, and it’s like I can feel Bea there. Maybe that’s crazy, I don’t know. Take care, and stay safe. 💗
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Like you I have made my therapy space for online as soothing as possible: blankets, teddy, etc etc. I will get used to it again, I am sure…well I have to don’t I? I guess it’s just hard wrestling the sense of disappointment and knowing how much better it is face to face. Even A says it’s not as connecting and that I really need the touch. I guess she’s honest at least. Do you have any idea when you might be able to get back in the room again? X
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Yeah, at least she is honest, and hopefully that admission feels like being seen. 💗 I don’t think we will be back in the room forever. I haven’t seen Bea face to face since March 9. I fear it will be over a year before I can actually be with her. We did discuss meeting outdoors with masks this summer, but I felt like that would almost be worse than online. I’m not sure why, but the suggestion of staying distanced, outdoors with masks was very upsetting to parts. Also, my mom “beat” this incurable cancer this year, and her immune system is still compromised. I want to see her as much as possible because the doctors give her maybe 5 years. We’ve pretty much podded up with one other family and Kat and I don’t go anywhere. Hubby works from home when he can, and if he goes to work it’s to be in his office alone with a mask. Covid is really bad where I am, and people don’t take it seriously. I live in the land of Trump supporters who think mask wearing is a civil rights violation. 🙄🤦🏼♀️ Thankfully one town over (where hubby works) is the exact opposite. Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant. I’m just tired today.
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Wow. It sounds like you are really going through the wringer. Hopefully this vaccine will get the go ahead and by next winter we can return to a relative level of normality. I can’t believe how crazy some people are – I mean it’s a frigging mask. Big deal. You don’t go out and not wear underwear so cover your face while there’s a pandemic. Trump supporters do you think?! Take care x
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Yeah, in my state, the majority of people who won’t wear a mask because it’s “unconstitutional” and “violates civil rights” are Trump supporters. Mask wearing and shutdowns/lockdowns became extremely political really early on here, so there is a big divide. I’m so sick of it. It just makes me sad. My mom told me that when seatbelts first became a thing, people refused to wear them, too and that people said the same things about seatbelts as they do about masks now—unconstitutional, violating civil rights, unsafe….I just found that parallel so interesting. Really, I just want life to go back to normal and for people to be okay. Simple maybe, but that’s always my wish; I want the whole world to be okay. I’m hoping and praying and crossing my fingers for a vaccine soon! We are hearing august at the earliest to actually distribute and start vaccinating. 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻
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There’s no talking to ‘stupid’ is there? I mean it’s almost comical …apart from the fact this is literally about life and death. I can’t believe that some people still think it’s a conspiracy! Wow. Definitely hoping the vaccine has some life…currently it’s got a month of data and viability ….fingers crossed the time of immunity continues to hold. Oh god…and then there’ll be all the anti-vaxxers 😦
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Reading this makes me realise what someone once tried to say to me (I didn’t know what she meant and it just freaked me out).
I’m glad you repaired and am sending good vibes. I’m hoping and praying you can hold it together whilst it is online… and that you can see her, be held, really soon.
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It’s … going…slowly…and bumpily!! ARGGHHH! Thanks for your support 🙂 xx
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I can imagine. It helped me to read and understand what someone had said to me. And my reaction to it.
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🙂
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I think it’s incredibly helpful to see you find a therapist who does everything she can to meet your needs. It shows your readers that they, too, deserve to be held and contained. And, it might give them the guts to make the change you did. Remember, you met Anita before Em abandoned you. YOU advocated for yourself, because even though it hurt like hell to see others getting things you weren’t, some parts of you fought for that. Because you had seen it was possible elsewhere. And, maybe seeing how hard you fought will help someone else get their own needs met.
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Thank you for this. And you’re right. It was reading other people’s experiences that helped me see that there was an alternative way of doing things. And thank you for reminding me that I was going to leave Em before it went completely tits up! haha. I just wish I’d jumped before she managed to dig the knife in! Thank you for your support, it means a lot xx
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